Doug Ford has Zero Intention of Removing All COVID-19 Mandates

By Casey Riley

Despite the Ontario provincial governments recently announced unwinding of a few pandemic measures the vaccine passport is nowhere near gone. It’s here to stay, folks!

Doug Ford, Premier of Ontario and former dime bag drug dealer, announced that beginning March 1 the QR Code Vaccine Passport system would no longer be mandated in businesses or other settings where it was previously required. It will, however, remain in effect in LTC facilities and, here’s the kicker, basically any establishment that wants to enforce it. 

That’s Right ! 

  • Private businesses may keep enforcing the vaccine passport despite there being no law giving it valid grounds for denial of service.
  • Anyone visiting or working at an LTC facility must show proof of vaccination.

Ford stumbled over the following text he obediently read from his prepared statement: “Like all of you I’ve waited a long time for this news, but please never doubt that the steps we took together, as difficult as they were, were absolutely necessary and saved tens of thousands of lives,” said Ford, despite having zero scientific data to back up those claims. In fact, a recent study from Johns Hopkins demonstrated that lockdowns made next to no difference in mortality rates. 

Dr. Kieran Moore, Chief Medical Officer of Health and Colonel Sanders stunt double, said proof of vaccination, which was first implemented in the province in September as a pressure tactic to increase vaccination, has “served its purpose.”

“We have the level of protection we need to remove public health restrictions.”

According to our legal expert Courtney Order the constitutionality of the vax passport being legal beyond the current ‘state of emergency’ in the province, is questionable. 

“It’s dubious at best if these laws were ever legal to begin with. But now with COVID basically gone and 90% of the population vaccinated, there’s no way to defend these tracking devices that have been used to divide the people of this province.”

“With the new changes vaccine motivated store owners will have to balance making a living and their beliefs. How much money are they losing? No one is forcing anyone to be involved or not. It’s a turnabout from the previously weaponized discrimination used against the vaccine free, only a week ago.”

One vaccine-free Ontarian we spoke with thought the whole thing was funny saying, “Choices have consequences. Guess it’s the vaccinated’s turn to stay home while the rest of us enjoy freedom. More unlimited breadsticks for me and my family.” 

Others who support the removal say it hasn’t gone far enough to restore normality in the province. “So we can sit in Tim Hortons, but can’t work there if we’re not vaxxed,” said one man sipping his double-double in the chilly parking lot of Tim Hortons.  

Not New Old Normal Enough, Maskhole!
Additional shortcomings of the changes include:

  • Social gathering limits will increase to a paltry 50 people indoors and 100 people outdoors. Organized public events will be capped at 50 people indoors, with no limit outdoors.
  • Capacity limits at sports arenas, concert venues and theatres meanwhile will be capped at 50 per cent. (Guess Douggie didn’t watch the Superbowl where 70,000 maskless fans cheered, ate and partied like it was 2019!)
  • No removal of masking mandates. 

Showing his irony deficiency Ford said the decision was not a result of the convoy protests. 

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