By Toby Gelman
The cure for COVID-19 is here and credit for this medical miracle is being attributed to two unlikely heroes, Toronto DJs Mad Dug Duchamp and Anthony Anderson esq.
“We were both terrified of the virus two years ago. My friend’s friend’s sister-in-law tested positive. She said she had a headache and felt drowsy,” said longtime record spinner Mr. Duchamp. “Anthony and I didn’t want to get it so we put our heads together.”
The two radio station coworkers at ALL HitZ AM, and best friends, soon realized that the experimental vaccines weren’t working (in fact they were often doing more harm than good). They theorized that mask mandates, social distancing and lockdowns had barely stopped the spread, and the daily diatribes by public health and the government weren’t offering concrete solutions. When it came to alternative solutions like Ivermectin, state-funded media was too quick to dismiss it.
“Anthony suggested exercise, despite gyms and fitness classes being shut down. He’d started a workout in the All HitZ AM parking lot,” Mr. Duchamp reminisces. “It began with some burpees and laps around the lot. Later, we incorporated daily vitamins and healthy eating: fruits and vegetables. And voila we never caught COVID-19,” adds the veteran DJ.
Woke Up! Mantra
Their mantra: Eat like a king at breakfast, a prince at lunch, and a pauper for dinner. Not only did these two never get COVID-19, they also look great with a BMI in the teens.
“Exercise, and healthy eating was making a big difference for everyone at the station,” says music monkey Anderson. “But there was something missing. That was when our voice over man Johnny Jock suggested reintroducing social activities, for mental health.”
Mr. Jock was ready and willing to quickly implement a robust program of non socially distanced, outside of the family unit late night speakeasies, cargo container dance parties, and even group trips to church to repent for the staff’s social vices.
“Hey man, you gots ta live life, not just be alive,” says Mr. Jock.
Only recently have so-called medical professionals been recommending “The Woke Up” diet and social habit changes to patients with coronavirus and also as a preventative measure. After a botched COVID-19 global response plan, which saw a rise in mental health problems, poverty, drug addiction, along with draconian laws, the government and doctors are scrambling to save face. They just can’t be trusted anymore, experts say.
“It’s amazing,” says Mr. Duchamp. “Neither of us have medical degrees. In fact we both failed grade 10 science, but here we are solving a deadly disease with a 99.98% survival rate.”
“It feels good,” adds Mr. Anderson. “To know we’re saving humanity with a few jumping jacks and a vitamin D chewable. I honestly don’t understand why no one had thought of this before.”
Mr. Duchamp and Mr. Anderson plan to release a Woke Up! Diet DVD later this summer, and also plan to take part in a global health panel with Bill Gates’ pandemic response team later in the year.
“IT guy Bill could really benefit from our cure,” Mr. Anderson jests. “I mean, have you seen his manboobs?”
Mad Dug and Anthony’s Cure for Covid*
Here’s How You Can Get Cured Up!
THE GOVERNMENT NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU
- Masks, lockdowns, social distancing and vaccines don’t work and never did. Stop putting your faith in bureaucratic mandates and put it in push ups instead.
FAST FOOD ISN’T SLOWING THE SPREAD OF YOUR JELLY BELLY
- Ban Uber Eats and takeout food. Restaurants that are still only doing that deserve to starve. So let them! Make your own healthy, veggie heavy home cooked food. Your gut and your tastebuds will say ‘Thank You!”
TURN ON, TUNE IN DROP THE POUNDS
- Cancel your Netflix, Amazon, DisneyPlus and overnight porn Torrents. It’s easy! Get up off the couch and go for a walk you lazy socially anxious shut in!
WEIGHT THE BENEFIT VS. RISKS
- The mask mandate is lifting but who cares? Take off your government compliance device NOW and breath like it’s 2018! Fresh oxygen to the brain powers up your endorphins and speeds up your fat burning cells as well as increases rational non-fear based critical thinking.
*not medical advice