I’m madder than a newborn who can’t find a breast to suckle on after seeing the new whacked out Calvin Klein trans-pregnancy ad.
The ad in question depicts a typical Woke couple in bed—seems normal enough these days, unfortunately. Looking closer, however, the dude—a bearded thirty something with tattoos—has a rather large belly. When my wife, Greta, showed me the image I said: “Yeah, so, the dude drinks too much IPA and eats too many of those shitty Beyond Meat burgers with faux bacon.”
That’s when Greta informed me that the dude was actually a dudette and that was no beer belly but a baby bump. “That boy is preggers!” she screamed!
I spit my split pea soup all over the kitchen table, as I examined the ad again. My lovely wife, who gave birth to our six darling children, was right on the money. That was no buck, but a honey aping as a sonny. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, like when PM Trudeau donned blackface and later called everyone else a racist, but a transvestite mom to-be took the checkered fag… I mean flag!
Real Men Don’t Wear Calvin Klein… Anymore
Look here, I’ve given up on ‘gender this’ and ‘gender that.’ My pronouns are in my bio, but if you want to be a dude then you better start acting like a dude. And no dude I ever met gave birth! Dudes hunt and fish and play golf and drink whisky with a ‘y’. Real men get into bar room brawls and eat raw meat. We fight in real wars, not this MSNBC Ukraine-Russia video game. We don’t get vaccines, we catch a cold and soldier on. We don’t drive plug-in electric toy vehicles, we drive getter-done gas guzzling pickup trucks. And we certainly under no circumstance get Pap smears, change tampons, or get preggers! Good Golly Miss Molly!!
Now the ‘social’ science crowd is going to say that anyone can be a ‘birthing person’, but I follow THE SCIENCE. CAPITALISED. And THE SCIENCE tells me (with only a handful of exceptions like the freaky deaky Seahorse according to good ol’ National Geographic) that it’s only a female that carries the eggs and the pappa that peggs!
I’m not going to get into the science mumbo jumbo about what kind of freak show this dude is going to pop out in nine months time. With all those hormone replacements travelling through his bloodstream it’ll for sure be enough for the old stork to drop baby Batboy off at a roadside carnival.
Calvin Klein Hop on the Woke Train… Destination Cancel Town
I mean, it’s bad enough with all these Woke companies trying to appease the smallest minority on the planet by cancelling this and that. Or listening to old, but young Thunberg whine about carbon footprints, while she traipse around the world on private jets. Look, I can live with that, but a dude with a baby has me thinking twice about Roe V Wade.
Let me tell ya, I looked long and hard at that ad in disgust and then I went upstairs and took all my Calvin Klein underwear, and under shirts and even Greta’s favourite Calvin Klein jeans and did a good old garment burning in the backyard. When my neighbour came and asked what the kerfuffle was all about… and I told him what’s what, it didn’t take him more than a few seconds to dump his CKs on the fire. By the end of the day, my word of mouth anti-ad campaign had the entire neighbourhood burning Calvin’s clothes. Even the boys down at the fire hall contributed to my illegal backyard barn burner!
Look, I may be walking around town commando for the next little bit, like a real man, but like hell I’m going to support some company that encourages “men” to make babies! No, it’s time to put our foot down and end this woke nonsense. You want to be a man carrying a baby then change your pronouns to Sea/Horse!
Producer of Woke Up! podcast, father of six, husband to Greta, and author of Johnny Jock PI Moon Rock Opera.