Cis White Males Need Not Apply

Toby's Right gives the Woke a taste of their own dark brewed

I’m more volatile than a Bitcoin expert working at Coinbase over the way the Woke are discriminating against white men.

Why just the other day, my daughter, Bethany, arrived home from her Woke college in Vermont and asked me to join her for a chinwag and coffee.

Well, I’m never one to turn down a double double and a box of “Timbiebs Timbits,” but instead of tucking in at Tim Hortons she dragged me to some Woke hipster coffee bar in an up-and-coming neighbourhood. I told her it’d better be good, since it cost me $22 in gas to drive to the god-forsaken place.

Anyway, as I waited for Bethany to order us a couple of oat milk latte teas (whatever they are), I noticed that the little shop had a help wanted sign. I’ve got a great job producing the Woke Up! podcast, but with inflation at an all-time high, food and fuel prices through the roof, mortgage rates projected to skyrocket, and a looming recession, I mean depression, who couldn’t use some extra scratch in their wallet.

The help wanted sign read: Cis White Males Need Not Apply. I felt sick to my stomach. I instantly thought of Rosa Parks and the Jim Crow South. I considered George Floyd for eight minutes and forty-six seconds. Then I thought, didn’t we all have a dream?

HELP WANTED, BADLY: This racist, discriminatory help wanted ad was recently posted to social media for Bows & Arrows Coffee Roasters in the city of Victoria, Canada.

THE REAL CISTUATION

I ripped the sign off the wall and showed it to Bethany. “This is transphobic, right?” To which she laughed and said: “No, Pa, you’re a cis white male.”

Well, I instantly reached down to make sure my manhood was still intact. Then I said, “Nope, I’m still World’s #1 Dad.”

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON: Don’t forget to call your father this Sunday, June 19. WokeUp! approves this message.

My daughter explained that the word cis, which comes from cisgender, is what the woke/left use to describe what matches their anatomical gender at birth. That when a person switches genders they use the words like “cis” and “dead name” to describe where they came from. I know that all sounds like a B Science Fiction movie, but this is what kids are learning these days—likely from those grooming Drag Queen storytellers.

I almost spat my oat milk latte tea all over the reclaimed wood table that we sat at. Then I said, “So you’re telling me that I can’t apply for the job.”

“Cis white males have dominated society for thousands of years,” added my liberal arts major daughter. “It’s time to take away white privilege and let others have a shot.”

“Speaking of shots,” I debated, “what if I’m the best barista in town? Why does race or gender matter? It should be about who is the best.”

“White males are known to cause toxic work environments,” she said. She didn’t have any proof to back it up, nor could she argue why the best person for the job isn’t relevant. (So much for the $40,000 we’re paying that hippie university.)

COULD YOU BE CIS

The following day, I emailed the woke coffee shop my resume, despite Bethany telling me to leave them alone. A few hours later I got a reply asking me to come in for an interview. I knew that if I showed up looking like a “cis” white male they’d never hire me, so I decided I’d go in disguise. I smeared black shoe polish on my face and hands, and found a Bob Marley tie-dye T-shirt in Bethany’s suitcase, and then spent another $22 driving to the damn place. (Thank you, Putin! I mean Biden!!)

Well, let me tell you that I aced the interview. They had no idea that I was a “cis” white male or that I had never before brewed a coffee. They were so excited by how I looked that the “cis” white male manager, who was born and raised in Tulsa, Oklahoma, offered me the job on the spot. I considered accepting it. Then I pondered running for the Liberal leadership—after all Trudeau won with the same dramatic strategy.

After the interview I went to the gender-neutral bathroom, cleaned off my shoe polish, and seriously considered what I had done. I had “appropriated” a cobbler! Well, I felt sick and so I marched out of the bathroom, walked up to the manager and told him how stupid he looked for hiring me. He asked me to leave and never return.

NO WOMAN, NO CIS

Well, I got into my car and then ran out of gas halfway home. (Let’s Go Brandon!) I ended up taking the bus where I read about other “cis” white male owned coffee shops that are openly discriminating against “cis” white males. It’s bad enough that HR departments think it’s acceptable for a candidate to reveal their background, sexual orientation, pronouns, and any other Woke quarks that they have, all which have nothing to do with ability and performance. 

I mean, honestly, it’s sad that our society has decided to alienate a certain group of people, and that “cis” white male leaders like Biden and Trudeau applaud it. No, folks, I believe everybody should have a fair shot whether you’re left, right, woke, woke up, black, brown, green, or even a drag queen reading to five year olds. 

When I arrived home, Bethany asked how it went. I said, it was fine but from now on I’ll be sticking with my “cis” double doubles. She said, “well, this Father’s Day that’s exactly what you’ll be getting. Also, why are you wearing my Bob Marley shirt?”

And that’s all the woke madness I can spill oat milk latte tea on this week.

Toby Gelman
+ posts

Producer of Woke Up! podcast, father of six, husband to Greta, and author of Johnny Jock PI Moon Rock Opera.

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