Professor Amir Attaran Ain’t Going to be Teaching My Kids!

Toby’s Right is ready to crumble the ivory tower

I’m more fired up than a cricket roasting over a Trudeau-style bug spit over the way the University of Pyongyang, formerly known as the University of Ottawa, is allowing Amir Attaran, a Woke professor of Law and Epidemiology, to tar and feather his anti-woke students and social-media critics. 

Why just the other day, my wife Greta and I attended our son Wyatt’s graduation. What a day! Flowers, caps and gowns, diplomas, speeches and a marching band playing the 1812 Overture. Love those Russian composers. (Sorry, not sorry Ukraine.)

After the ceremony we headed off to A&W for a celebratory feast when Wyatt broke the bad news. He’d been accepted to study law at the University of Ottawa. I said: “You mean, the University of Pyongyang.” To which he replied: “Only crazy right-wing convoy trucker supporters call it that.”

I reminded my naive son that his A&W burger and fries didn’t walk here. (HiHo!)

When we got home that evening, I polished off a few homemade ciders and took a look at this so-called ‘university’. It’s only been four months since me and my freedom fighting pals hunkered down for the winter on the frigid streets of Ottawa, only to be trampled out by the Trudeau government’s illegal use of the War Measures Act. It’s a cold memory seared into my brain. And, as much as I can’t accept the tyranny that envelopes our nation’s capital, I’m also a proud dad who wants to give his children everything. If Wyatt wants to move to a city where honking is considered illegal then that’s his lifestyle decision and I love him all the same. Honk! Honk!

MY MASK PROTECTS ME AND ALSO CUTS OFF ALL CIRCULATION TO MY BRAIN: Law Professor Amir Attaran attempted to mask shame a United Airlines flight attendant during a routine flight to Chicago. Little did professor know-it-all know the shame was on him after social media defended the hard working gal.


To be honest, the school looked okay: picturesque campus, nice buildings, and a competent faculty. That was until I came across the indoctrination list, I mean “teacher list”, and saw the pic of Amir Attaran—a law professor with a smarmy smirk and beady eyes. Where did I know this face from? I booted up my Lenovo Thinkpad and investigated this man a little further. Well, I found that not only was he a law professor by day, but by night he appeared to be some crazy social media troll! Like Superman but a jerk! A real meanie who publicly attacks any person who questions COVID-19 mandates, despite them NOT WORKING. In fact, this so-called professor of higher learning had gone so far as to shame a poor flight attendant who had forgotten to put on her mask during an in-flight announcement.

Imagine, some wealthy first-class ivory tower elitist picking on a working class lady for not wearing a mask, which has never even been proven effective nor necessary. Talk about one flying over the cuckoo’s nest!


Well, I picked up the phone and called the campus and informed them that their website needed updating, as there was no way that they could still possibly employ this maniac. To which the lady on the other end said: “No, Professor Attran still works here.”

I decided to read her some of the Professor’s tweets, including one where he attacked Canadian hero Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, but she only hemmed and hawed and asked if there was anything else I needed. I got the feeling I wasn’t the only one calling the school that day. Then I looked up his reviews on Rate My Professor and pointed those out, but she still didn’t seem to care. 

WHAT A DRAG IT IS BEING BOLD: Toby had his library card shredded after he protested a group of men dressed as women reading to young children. Often called “Groomers” these woke queens are definitely the kings of their own lonely castles.

“Let me get this straight,” I told Wyatt later, after a few more ciders. “If you are so dumb that you still believe masks and vaccines work it’s okay for you to lash out at any of us who follow the actual science. On the other hand, if I call out a drag queen during story time at the library I get my library card cut up?” Guess these Librarians have never read about Scotch tape before. (Is this thing on?)

“Professor Attaran is expressing his opinion in the same manner that all your convoy pals did during the siege of Ottawa,” said my woke son. 

“You mean Pyongyang, formerly known as Ottawa,” I corrected him.

“You’re just cherry picking the data, Dad. There is just as much evidence that vaccines don’t work as there is that they do work. It’s all about reliable sources. The science is solid…” he babbled on like a CTV news reporter.

“Well son, there’s 80,000 pages of Pfizer side effects that say they don’t work.”

He didn’t have a rebuttal for that. I’m sure Professor know-it-all doesn’t either. (Don’t forget to tip your waitress.)

Well, I couldn’t stomach paying one red cent for any institution that would obviously support such tyranny. Folks, university campuses have been infiltrated by the woke mob and professor Amir Attaran is no exception. I told the admissions office that it’s either the Gelmans or that professor, but they can’t have both. 


Well, I broke the news to Wyatt that he wouldn’t be studying law in the fall and he was pretty upset, even though I explained that if everyone follows our lead and boycotts these woke institutions they’ll have no choice but to give in. That didn’t seem to make him feel better. 

After a few minutes of petting old Gus the family dog and ‘personal support animal’, Wyatt eventually ‘chilled out’. He agreed that professor Attaran and his attack eyebrows weren’t a good look for the school and not someone who would provide him with the best education. So for the next year my son is going to be flying the friendly skies as a maskless flight attendant and, boy, I couldn’t be prouder of my stewardess/steward.

And that’s all the woke pomp and circumstance I can whistle this week. (Crickets!)

Toby Gelman
+ posts

Producer of Woke Up! podcast, father of six, husband to Greta, and author of Johnny Jock PI Moon Rock Opera.

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