I’m Just Trying To Keep Everyone Safe, By Keeping Them Away From Me

Left of the Left: My family just staged a COVID intervention

So, my boomer gammon parents held an intervention over Zoom because APPARENTLY I’m “obsessed” with Covid and it’s “Hurting the people around me”!! 

I don’t see what the big problem is with wanting to keep everyone safe?!?

They wanted to do this in-person, but I’m not a fucking lunatic with a death wish so naturally, I refused. They finally compromised on a Zoom call, but at first rejected my extremely reasonable pleas for them to wear masks whilst on camera. They’re both in their late fifties and even though we’re all vaxxed and boosted the thought of infecting them fills me with dread. It would be a literal death sentence for them, and I’m just not ready to move out of their basement yet. I haven’t even paid off my Medieval Gender Studies and Transgender Archery Herstory student loans (Biden should be paying them off any day now!!) and I can’t dog-walk from home (I checked) so I’m currently out of a job. I would be literally experiencing homelessness instead of just looking like I’m experiencing homelessness. 

I was supposed to join the call around two in the afternoon but I overslept. My chud Mom woke me up by thumping her foot on the floor above me and calling me (in her fake polite way) MY DEAD-NAME! Screaming into my pillow whilst thrashing about on my mattress, I eventually calmed down enough to open the Zoom app on my iphone 13ProMax and join the call. My parents were there in one window, and the phycologist they’d hired was in another, a pitiful look of insincere concern smeared on his cis white face.

“Hello, Doreen, how are you today?” the shrink practically SCREAMED at me, aggressive from the get-go, “Your parents informed me that you’re having some problems … blah blah blah blah.”

I honestly tuned him out, because to my abject horror my anti-vax chud of a brother Kyle joined the call, a smug smirk curling on his unmasked lips. I went from latte cool to vedni hot! Calmly and politely I asked my parents just what the FARK he was doing here, barely raising my voice above a whisper. Kyle was almost pissing himself laughing at this point, and I could tell that the ‘head doctor’ had immediately taken his side. I wanted nothing to do with this plague-rat. It’s entirely his fault Grandma died shortly after her booster jab because he irresponsibly dropped off groceries to her the month before. Out of an abundance of caution I didn’t want him spreading his germs around here.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KYLE,” I was hyperventilating like crazy but keeping my cool. I was pretty proud of myself actually for my mostly peaceful mediation of the meeting, “AND TAKE YOUR DISEASE CARRYING SICK BLOOD WITH YOU!”

“You’re the one with sick blood, bro,” he harshly bellowed, dabbing, the shockwave and sheer volume of his violent outburst shattering my fragile ear drums and shaking the foundation of the house as plaster from the ceiling rained down on my head, and all the dogs in the neighbourhood started barking and all the car alarms in the street went off in unison when he added “You got AIDS, right, Darren?”

I was extremely triggered by this because I do actually have AIDS, but that’s none of his unboosted business and it was a low blow to dead-name me like that too. My parents had evidently set up this intervention as a way of verbally assassinating me and destroying what little self-confidence I had left. I was SANDBAGGED by the arrival of my bigoted brother. I had expressly told they/them (even though they don’t know what that means, I insist on identifying them by those pronouns) that them/they were to have NO CONTACT with the chud until he had womynned up and gotten the heckin’ jab like the rest of humxnkind. Even though they all finally agreed to put on the matching eco friendly, fair trade, organic masks I Amazoned them, I left the call.

In a flood of tears I immediately applied three more KN95 masks to my face. I have barricaded the basement door with Amazon parcels and empty Pizza Hut boxes in case my parxnts decide to evict me. They clearly want me gone, I can think of no other reason why they would subject me to such horrors. They blame me for Kyle not being a part of their lives, but it was him that made the choice to refuse the safe and effective Fauci ouchie.

Doreen Trudeau
+ posts

THEY/THEM, perennial basement dweller, entirely remote dog walker and the Coconut Creek Florida holder for most Funko Pops ever inserted into a human anus at one time, Doreen takes an extremely serious approach to the Global COVID-19 Pandemic and current political affairs. Emotionally and mentally scarred by the events of Jan 6th, Doreen devotes much of their time to reporting on dangerous misinformation and fighting for LGBTQIAP+++ rights.

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button