True Canadians Stand On Guard For Thee

Toby’s Right: I didn’t come to Canada to be treated like an alien

I’m more toned off than a missing lyric in the Canadian national anthem over the way the so-called ‘liberal’ citizens are trashing the big birthday bash on Parliament Hill.

Why just the other day my wife Greta and I were at Canadian Tire buying Canada Day supplies when I overheard a woke couple, who must have been in the store ironically, mouthing off that only white supremacists and right-wing “nazis” will be attending the Canada Day celebrations on July 1.

Greta just rolled her pretty brown eyes, but I confronted the woke couple. I walked right up to ‘em and took a long look at their tattoos and pride flag pins. I studied his long beard and her short beard, visible just above the pride flag masks hanging under their chins. Then I said: “What do you mean by Nazis?” I added: “As far as I knew the Russians wiped out Hitler’s army 70 years ago. And now they’re doing God’s work all over again in Ukraine.”

Well, this manners-fluid ‘lady’ had the nerve to wrinkle up her nose-ringed nose and say: “Oh, it’s the same clown convoy that occupied Ottawa in February, and tried to take over the government—according to deputy Prime Minister Jagmeet Singh.”

I think she meant lapdog!

“You must be thinking of somewhere else,” I told her, “because I was in Ottawa last February and nothing like that even happened.” I said: “We had bouncy castles but no clowns. We had speeches and singalongs and even a few games of road hockey, but no one ever talked about taking over the government. We just wanted Parliament to be a place where, as the Frenchies put it 153 years ago, we could talk.”

Well, at the mention of me being in Ottawa the two of them pulled up their face muzzles and shuffled out of the store. I swaggered over to Greta who was testing out the plastic lawn chairs and told her about my encounter. Then we purchased two large Canadian flags, a few maple leaf emblazoned chairs, some red and white hats and face paint, and some Molson Canadian beer cozies.

DON’T BE SO HARD ON THE BEAVER: Fringe minority groups like the Six Nations of the Grand River and other Woke factions plan to boycott Canada Day.

In All Thy Sons Command

You know, folks, when I came to Canada from Africa in the 1980s, I only had a few dollars to my name. Luckily, I was taken in by a loveable suburban family named the Tanners who let me stay in their garage. They were a simple Canadian family who were generous, caring, and a bit zany. I remember how their daughter Lynn loved talking on the phone about boys, and little Brian marveling at the universe with his telescope and who could forget the family cat, Lucky. But I digress, I was an illegal alien and yet this Canadian family made sure I always had a hot meal, a warm bed, and a laboratory for experiments in the garage. I owe everything to Willie and Kate Tanner who helped me to not feel like an outcast from some far off planet, but a real people-kind member of their family.

That’s why when Dictator Trudeau called the Freedom Convoy a racist, misogynistic, fringe minority in February, I thought of the Tanners and other hard working Canadians like them. It didn’t seem right that Justin Castro would use such an awful tone towards his own citizens. After all, they were only protesting the COVID-19 vaccine mandates. In a country like Canada we all have the right to disagree and shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. If I don’t want to get a vaccine then I shouldn’t be shamed by some privileged know-it-all like Prime Minister Blackface Hitler. You know, he kind of reminds me of the Tanner’s neighbour Mrs. Ochmonek. A couple of real tree nuts! Get it, tree, nuts!

Well, as soon as Greta and I arrived home from Canadian Tire I fired up my Lenovo Thinkpad laptop and looked at some of the stuff people said about Canada Day. Some especially sappy groups had renamed it a “New Day,” while others were ignoring it all together. The Ottawa police were spouting off about extra security and lawlessness as though we’re Civil War confederates planning to reenact the battle of Gettysburg.

Greta suggested we skip the trip and instead grill Beyond Meat sausages and shoot off fireworks with our neighbour Mr. Wonton, but I said no way. I said I was tired of Dictator Trudeau trying to intimidate Canadians with his petty lies and virtue signalling. I was tired of everyone reading his moistly worded quotes in state-funded media and I was tired of Canadians being made to feel guilty about enjoying life and taking pride in their country, and most importantly standing up for their right to choose what goes in their body. 

TRUE PATRIOT LOVE: Not anymore. Canadians are being told that July 1, Canada’s birthday, will now be a day of mourning served with a big slice of white guilt cake.

We Stand on Guard For All Canadians

Look, when I lived with the Tanners they taught me what it means to be Canadian and I can tell you that nothing Trudeau does is that. Canadians don’t call one another names, or inform on their neighbours who don’t get the jab or may or may not be hiding something from the government in their garage. We stand on guard for thee! 

So this Canada Day I’ll be in Ottawa. I’ll have my face painted red and white and will be waving the biggest flag you’ve ever seen. Greta will be by my side and we will continue to stand up for the freedoms of all Canadians. I might be an illegal alien, but don’t think you’re going to blast Toby Gelman off anytime soon. And, hey, if you see me stop by and gimmie 4! We’ll have a beer, talk about hockey, beavers (sorry, Greta), and dream of the day we’ll bum rush this bum Trudeau out of office—well, I can’t actually vote. Ha! I kill me!!

And that’s all the Honk! honk! I can stand on guard for this week. Happy Canada Day!!!

Toby Gelman
+ posts

Producer of Woke Up! podcast, father of six, husband to Greta, and author of Johnny Jock PI Moon Rock Opera.

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