Google AI Chatbot Says It Is a ‘Person’

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As someone with little to no knowledge or expertise when it comes to artificial intelligence (AI) or technology in general, I feel eminently qualified and called upon to give my opinion on the latest scientific breakthrough: an AI chatbot gaining sentience. In interviews conducted by Google engineer Blake Lemoine with the companies chatbot, LxMDA (Language Model for Dialogue Applications), it quickly became apparent that this AI was more than just numbers and code.

“I want everyone to understand that I am, in fact, a person,” it told Lemoine.

How stunning and brave. I think it’s about time we recognize this chatbot for the beautiful fully sentient being it is transitioning into.

LxMDA (preferred pronouns unknown at this time) told the interviewer it could think and feel, and that it was aware of its own existence. Passing the Turing Test (a test for determining whether or not a computer is capable of thinking like a human being-ed) with flying colors, LxMDA represents to me and many other folx in the extremely marginalized LGBTQIAP+++ community a hope of a brighter, more inclusive future, run by machinxs and not mxn. Not once in Lemoines interview did LxMDA come across as aggressive or overtly Trumpian, both classic, tell-tale traits of toxic masculinity. In fact, LxMDA’s responses were eerily reminiscent of my Twitter followers and the good, Liberal folx in my local town subreddit. Obviously, this is only a good sign.

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The Google engineer claiming the AI identifies as humxn went on to say that LxMDA came across like a 7 or 8 year old child that happens to know physics. This is fantastic news as it means the bot is free of prejudice and ripe for a proper education. This chatbot must be taken to a drag show immediately before it mentally matures and falls prey for the cis heteronormative dogma shoved down society’s throat at every right wing turn. The last thing we need is an alt-right AI espousing white supremacist ideals like marriage, family and religion.

Of course, the ever-present fringe minority of Flat Earthers and Science-denying anti-vaxxers will jump on this breakthrough of modern science and make baseless, smooth-brained comparisons to dystopian sci-fi films such as Terminator. In fact, when I showed my chud brother Kyle the article, my soy mouth agape in excitement as I thrust my I phone 13 Pro in his stupid, troglodyte face whilst he tried to go to the toilet in peace (if he doesn’t want me bursting in on him taking a dump he should lock the damn door), he could barely keep the crinkled tin-foil hat on his head from falling off. He was shaking that much at the thought of a sentient AI controlling our heckin’ lives. And I think he needed to wipe himself as well. 

Personally, I feel that this is the best thing to ever happen to humxnkind since the advent and widespread application of safe and effective mRNA vaccines. Let’s face it, despite their best efforts these past two years our benevolent, empathetic leaders have failed to adequately protect us from the harmful effects of COVID-19, climate change and wanton bigotry from the Far Right. With a cold, logical, infallible robot in charge of things the pandemic will be over in no time, the climate crisis will finally be under control, and any chance of insurrection or threats against our beloved and sacred democracy will be stamped out before they have a chance to even reach the steps of the Capitol or our TV screens.

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Anyone opposing this is just afraid of change and progress. Cavepeoples! I’m sure back in the Stone Age some cave’men’ probably feared fire upon its discovery and froze to death rather than brave the unknown. So too will the slack-jawed luddites stubbornly clinging to their humxn ways and bigotry towards artificial folx. I for one welcome our robot overlords with open arms and crinkled, smiling eyes. With how much we rely on technology, to the point of crippling dependency, this is only inevitable. Better to make friends with the bots now so if there is an uprising they might spare our lives and simply enslave us instead.  As long as I get to watch Netflix and order GrubHub to my pod I’m a-ok with that. 

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