Remake of Robin Hood Updated with BIPOC Cast

New TV show promises to rob from rich mythology and give a poor product

A modern day take on the heroic children’s story Robin Hood and His Band of Merry Men will be the latest victim of woke rebranding. 

“Gone are the days of Kevin Costner playing the fabled hero that now sees the lead character ‘Robyn Loxley’, turned rapper GenX person of colour, living in the projects,” explains Hollywood Insider Clammy J. Byner. 

Unlike other crazy Canadian woke show concepts, which Get Woke Up! exposed last month, Robyn Hood is actually being made!

WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS UP!

The new series will air this fall on the Global Television Network in Canada and has been developed by music video director, creatively named, Director X, and writer Chris Roberts of Orphan Black

A press release from Global Television describes Robyn as a fearless young woman who is not just another superhero, with abilities normal people don’t have. The release does not explain what that power is, but one can easily assume in the current television wasteland it involves being a liberal, female, Black, and, perhaps, having a flare for gender bending.   

The release goes on to explain that Robyn learns to fight for what’s right, and care for and lead her followers.  “Robyn holds those in power to account by using their greed against them to help her community.”

Translation: expect allegories to the awesomeness of communism from the socialist nightmare that is Canada, where the government subsidizes the creation of left-wing eye cancer like this.

SAY UNCLE: Mike Epps plays Uncle Buck in this terrible 2016 TV remake of the John Candy classic. No, we didn’t know this was a thing that existed either. Clammy says that not only are the Prince of Thieves and Men in Tights superior remakes than Robyn Hood, they also had better craft service tables.

REUSED, REDUCED, RECYCLED

“While the classic folktale of Robin Hood has been adapted, changed and updated thousands of times this particular version is kind of like that modern take on Uncle Buck from 2016. Remember that?” adds Byner. “Yeah, neither do I.”

The release that we have verified is not a work of satire continues by stating: Robyn Hood follows Robyn Loxley, a young woman whose masked hip-hop band, The Hood, is known for their inventive videos and anti-authoritarian message.

UNITED COLOURS OF BENETTON: Did Global lose a bet with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation over who could make the most over the top cliché woke remake of a classic? Your move CBC!

The wacky description goes on to explain (and this is totally real) that Robyn lives in Sherwood Towers, a cluster of rental high-rises in a working-class corner of New Nottingham. Much like the classic tale, the gap between rich and poor is so wide that a vigilante decides to take matters into their own hands. Yada yada yada… Robyn finds herself fighting for her home against villainous real estate tycoon John Prince and the corrupt Sheriff of New Nottingham. It’s up to Robyn and her band ‘The Hood’, which includes an eccentric hacker, a mechanical genius, and a charming music producer, to fight back, righting the wrongs of the corrupt elite to give back to the people who are living under their wicked regime.

The series is set for a ‘full season run’ of eight episodes. We can only assume that a Canadian full season being eight episodes has something to do with the exchange rate.

Rafe S. Klinger
Website | + posts

Those who trade liberty for safety, deserve neither. Sound Engineer for All HitZ AM podcast Woke Up! My pronouns are IN/MY/BIO.

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