I’m more spun out than a UFO crash landing in a Nevada desert over the way the woke left have become brainwashed by Prime Minister Trudeau.
Why, just the other day, as I celebrated Pierre Poilievre’s decisive win to become leader of the Progressive Conservative party, something changed in my normally stable family.
“Poilievre is going to get this country back on track,” I said at the dinner table, sipping a tall cold glass of wholesome Canadian farm fresh milk.
Greta, my wife, groaned and said: “Oh, great, here comes Canada’s version of Donald Trump.”
COMPARING ORANGES TO PIERRES
I didn’t recall Poilievre hosting a reality show; although he did have some excellent social media videos basically firing Dictator Trudeau. “No, in fact, the new leader of the Conservative party has decades of political experience and, unlike our current dear leader, worked his way up from nothing, married a minority, and is actually fluent in both official languages.”
My wife of 30 years, who normally likes to debate, scowled at me and quipped: “Get your own supper tonight, Convoy Clown.”
That night, I expected the media to be as excited as me: The Conservative party finally rising from the ashes like a dragon in the new Game of Thrones on HBO.
But instead, the government subsidized media attacked the new leader of His Majesty’s Loyal Opposition like any old sheepdog would. They said that Poilievre is a conspiracy theorist, a snake oil salesman, and then they invited one after another of Trudeau’s paid pundits or Conservative turncoats to validate their claims. One dinosaur reporter even heckled Poilievre during a daily briefing.
“What kind of divisive country have we become?”
Greta and my kids, even the youngest, other Dana, joined in on the Poilievre bashing: “Cryptocurrency nut job. Conspiracy theorist. Racist. Homophobe. January 6 – the Ottawa occupier version,” they jabbered on like a Greek chorus.
I felt like everyone had gone crazy. Since when did Canadian media opine over the political landscape? But even the next day, I noticed citizens openly discussing the threat that Poilievre had on our freedom.
“Freedom?” I questioned one hipster at the local coffee shop. “When in the last two and half years have we had any freedom?”
PP Phone Home
“Has everyone had their brains extracted by aliens?” I asked my wife who had begun moving out of the bedroom we’d shared since we married. “Isn’t this what politics is supposed to be: healthy debate, push for change?”
I soon realized that the woke left, my family included, had become so brainwashed during the pandemic that the state-funded TV news didn’t even have to work hard to pivot thinking (or what was left of their thinking) to the next thing.
I knew there was only one solution. I called my friend Convoy Connie, who is currently on parole, and asked her to help me. Connie spent six months in an Ottawa jail for playing road hockey during the Truckers for Freedom protest. Finally out of the slammer, she connected me to a support group with other people who had lost family members to Woke liberalism.
“My name is Toby and I believe in cryptocurrency, seasonal temperatures, the flu, that men can’t have babies, white people aren’t privileged, electric cars won’t save the planet, and COVID-19 was not a pandemic.“
“Hi Toby!” the group said in unison.
I felt like I had finally found a new family. The six of us spoke for about an hour until the power cut out during a brownout. (But, hey, let’s make electricity our primary fuel source!)
Later, I found my wife hiding out in one of the kid’s rooms, cellphone in hand scrolling the trusted news site TikTock.
“Why don’t you turn off the news and move back to our room?” I asked.
Greta turned up the volume. I listened as the talking head blabbed on about a new COVID vaccine that had only been tested on eight mice.
“This is getting out of control,” I said. “Safe and effective, my ass.”
My wife, who never lets me win an argument, listened to the reporter talk about the mouse vaccine. “Maybe you’re right,” she said. “This does feel like a parody of a parody science fiction movie.”
She took my hand as we walked down the hallway to our room. Then I said, “Take me to your leader.”
Greta looked at me, smiled, and said, “Only if the force is with you.”
And that’s all the woke science fiction I can blast off this week.
Producer of Woke Up! podcast, father of six, husband to Greta, and author of Johnny Jock PI Moon Rock Opera.