Only half way through his term Joe Biden is racking up an impressive list—of reasons to be replaced! Already no spring chicken at age 79 going on 180, Biden is suspected to have dementia, has admitted to having cancer, recently caught COVID-19—twice—almost started World War III with Russia, botched the government response to COVID, destroyed the economy, drove up gas prices, can’t pass water through Congress, in pics on Hunter’s laptop, and is absolutely, completely 100% unelectable in a general election.
Whether Biden is pushed out, through use of the 25th Amendment for being incapable of performing his duties, or forgets where he is and doesn’t run because he doesn’t know he’s the current president—it’s time to seriously examine the nation’s options for a Replacement-In-Chief.
10. Kamala Harris – Vice Presidential Vice
Despite the endorsement of Tucker Carlson, we know what you’re thinking. “Haaaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaaaahaaaa, wait, really?” And we agree. While Biden may have forgotten how to ride a bike, Kamala still has the training wheels on hers. Even if Biden doesn’t finish out his term there is no way that “The thing about the thing, that is amazing, that it is the thing,” will take over. A more likely scenario is that Kamala will stay on in her VP role and suddenly announce she won’t stand for re-election in 2024 because of some made up, “Family issue because the family is an issue that is so important to the people who are in the family, because that’s what a family is and does, when it’s a family—because it’s made up of people—who are a family. And that’s the issue.”
9. Nancy Pelosi – Speaker of the House of Spirits
As the Speaker of the House Pelosi is technically third in line for the Presidency. Pelosi has made no secret of her thirst for power, having tasted John F. Kennedy’s ‘power’ some 50 years ago. Often seen whispering simple directions into Biden’s oversized ears, a short Pelosi Presidency would feel to Americans as though they were slipping into the comfort of an old leather jacket. (And she has the matching face—ed.) Although well preserved through ample injections of government grifting, botox and booze Crazy Nancy would likely only finish out soon to be Jailbird Joes remaining two years before driving off drunkenly into the fires of hell in full ‘communion’ with Satan.
8. Michelle Obama – Man, oh, man !
Las Vegas currently has the former first lady at 33/1 odds to win the 2024 presidency. Tampa Bay Buccaneer Tom Brady is at 100/1, so the odds are in the former first lady’s favour. And while most grew tired of watching America’s favourite first family grow up in front of us on CNN, there is a chance that we could still see power-hungry Michelle in the Oval Office. She… uh… did that thing… about… eating vegetables? And… uh… had nice toned arms? Oh and ‘she’ was married to Obama. Can you hear that name? Obama! Oh Man! Yes we can!
7. My Russian Uber Driver – A Real AutoBot!
The only problem with my uber driver as a Democrat President is that he actually makes a lot of sense. He has insight on foreign and domestic policy. He vowed to me that if he became president he would reveal the secrets behind Roswell, New Mexico; what really happened on 9-11; and whether Joe Biden is a deepfake. My Russian Uber driver could get the US out of Ukraine, lower inflation through cryptocurrency, and will also probably have the hottest first lady this side of Minsk.
6. Hilary Clinton, Not She/Her Again!
It won’t be the rematch with Trump we are looking for, as she’ll probably end up going up against Florida’s Ron Desantis and end up looking like the weak little old lady you’ve come to hate, as he beats the hell out over her in a general election. But her new cringey Apple TV series may help her get at least a few endorsements. In one episode Hillary and daughter Chelsea speak to Megan Thee Stallion about WAP. Honestly, though, I think talking to Bill Clinton about WAP would’ve been more interesting, since he has the most experience.
5. Tony Danza – The Nation’s Favourite Italian American Dad
Danza is a triple topping pizza immigrant success story. He can act, he can sing, and he can dance. And dance he will, right into the hearts of middle America with his wholesome common sense solutions to the economy, the environment and the sensitive subject of his daughter Samantha getting her first training bra in a very special Presidential Address brought to you by Sears. But could a retired baseball player turned housekeeper (for a business woman!) be a bit too conservative for the radical Left? That’s why as an added two for one pizza pie bonus all Danza Presidencies come with a piping hot and extra gooey Vice President Alyssa Milano (circa early 2000s – mid 2010s). In the off chance that a time travel extracted version of Milano isn’t available the old, angry Left wing kook version could also be trotted out to run in the horserace as VP. Hell Hath no fury like a woman once hot!
4. Barack Obama 2.0 – Rockstar Vaccine Salesman Version
This isn’t your racist grandma’s Barack Obama. This isn’t the great uniter, healer, orator and Nobel Prize Winning President. NOPE. This is a Barack that already played the Presidency super straight with dignity and respect for the highest office in the land. Now he’s gonna play the role for laughs! You know what they say, all the best comic actors have to understand drama in order to sell dick jokes. Barack is done with his old straight-laced schtick and having tasted a rockstar style retirement jet skiing with celebrities and chilling with millionaires is ready to move onto his second, much bluer act. This is gonna be Barack on crack putting the yo mama in Obama. He’s gonna tell it like it is and collect outrageous amounts of money while doing so. After pushing vaccines for 2 years Obama has finally found a comical solution to medicare for all – endless jabs … of laughter! But he can’t be President again you say. He already had two terms, right? Yes but those were ‘his’ terms. There’s nothing Constitutionally preventing him from ruling again so long as he ‘self identifies’ as having ‘transitioned’ from being President.
3. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – Tax the Rich, Always, Bitch
Yes, she’s too young. Yes, she’s too dumb. Yes, half the country hates her – but damn she’s one smoking hot tamale! Sex sells! And in America, everything is for sale. All that the former waitress/Junior Senator from New York has to do is memorize a few more talking points about how a woman not having the right to kill 15 unborn babies per year is destroying the planet and also the root cause of; racism, sexism, transphobia, Islamophobia and agoraphobia. But how to win over the 40-60 year-old traditional White male Republican voters? Dresses like this would sure help.
2. Bill Clinton – Slick Willy Needs to Show his Willy
He came, he saw, he came again. Bill Clinton has it all: looks, connections, history, education, a foundation, four vaccines, and the keys to Epstein’s private island. Sure, the good olde boy did his eight years and is spending his golden years Tweeting and learning about white privilege, but watching his “wife” constantly flail in the public spotlight must make him want to get back into the game. Slick Willy could bring back the good old days of American politics when interns actually had to work for their unpaid jobs, when you could smoke cigars indoors, and you could support Black America without having to take a knee, unless taking a knee involved fellatio.
1. A Rice Sack of Aborted Fetuses – Life begins at Riception
We know what you’re thinking. Could this candidate to replace Joe Biden be any more perfect? The last two years have shown Americans that the President doesn’t really do anything anyway but is actually just a corporate controlled shill that confusedly shuffles to the whims of unknown and unseen geo-political puppet masters. We’ve also seen that abortion is super divisive and what can be more unifying in an election than division? The nomination of a Rice Sack of Aborted Fetuses will keep the Left happy as it has something to do with women’s rights and angers the Right making for exciting nail-biter news coverage that will definitely ‘bring out the vote’ thus strengthening democracy. Oh, and it fixes Anti-Asian racism and transphobia through representation of a BIPOC sack.