As tensions rise between Russia and the civilized world, the threat of nuclear Armageddon has never been closer. The Cold War is heating back up, and the Doomsday Clock ticks inexorably towards midnight with every heroic Ukrainian casualty. When recently deceased politicians and ice cream aren’t at the top of his mind, I can assure you President Biden’s main focus and attention is squarely on preventing mad man Putin from annexing Ukraine by any means necessary. Nuclear Annihilation is a small price to pay for protecting democracy, after all.
My disgustingly pro-Putin brother Kyle has spent the past few days mocking myselfx and other proud Democrats for being “bloodthirsty warmongers,” and has claimed that we are all too keen to dive headfirst into World War III after spending over two years “quivering over a cold virus” and the years prior to that “fear-mongering that Trump would start global Armageddon”. First off, there’s no proof we ever did that. I took down any Reddit posts that might cause confusion on my consistent stance. Secondly, it’s different – Biden would be launching nukes for the Greater Good.
Putin is an insane despot that needs to be dealt with, and despite my assessment of him as an unhinged psychopath I am supremely confident that he would never have the balls to go nuclear. Therefore, I believe Ukraine should be permitted to join NATO immediately and we all launch a full scale assault on Russia. Consequences be damned. Ukraine is the immunocompromised, twinkly eyed Grandma we all need to save right now, and I will gladly give all our lives for it.
As poor, deluded Kyle continues to fall prey to Russian propaganda (ON SITES LIKE THIS!) and advocates for a peaceful resolution to the conflict in Ukraine, my big, propaganda-impervious brain and brave, boosted heart tells me the time for peace is over. Too much blood and taxpayer money has been spilled for this war already, and anything short of a nuclear holocaust would be extremely anti-climatic and disrespectful to all those folx who have died and suffered as a direct result of Putin’s insatiable blood lust.
Flat Earth skeptics and tinfoil hatted conspiracy theorists worry a nuclear war would be devastating for the planet and all life on it. These baseless smooth brain claims are rooted in white supremacy, climate change denial and toxic masculinity. It wouldn’t necessarily be all bad, assuming folx are adequately prepared. Through countless hours spent playing Fallout 76 – not to mention surviving a deadly Global pandemic – I have developed the survival skills required to brave and weather a long, harsh nuclear winter. Come at me Putin! I will simply work from home and watch Netflix in my Minions onesie with a nice warm mug of hotty-hotty choc-choc. Easy-peasy.
There are many other benefits to nuclear war. For example, we ARE in need of a Great Reset, and what better way to achieve that than by bombing us all back to the Stone Age. It would certainly solve the overpopulation issue currently plaguing us. And experts are telling us that this could be just the silver bullet needed to finally defeat COVID-19. Like how silver bullets kill Werewolves. Science. God knows we’ve tried everything else. Also, we can be pretty darn sure Putin and Trump would not survive the blast or subsequent nuclear fallout, and I call that a massive win.
Speaking of Agent Orange, in a desperate, reckless bid to “own the Libs” he has decided to put his finger where it doesn’t belong once again and attempt to negotiate a peace treaty between Ukraine and Russia. OH MY ATHEISTIC GODDESS, GO AWAY, WE DON’T WANT IT. We have this under control, we don’t need you flapping your racist gums and waving your tiny hands around, you’re just going to make things worse.
In the likely and extremely necessary event of World War III breaking out, I will provide vital support from the safety of my parents’ basement by monitoring online communities such as Reddit and Twitter for misinformation regarding the war, and by adding more Ukraine flag emojis to my handles and bios. My Ukrainian flag overlay for my Facebook profile picture is primed and ready, too. If that’s not enough, I have begun hammering out a screenplay that is sure to spread awareness about a possible nuclear apocalypse and win at least seven Oscars.
Here is a small sample of my (currently 906 page long) screenplay:NUKES TO MEET YOU
Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Hate Putin
An Oscar Award Winning Screenplay by Doreen Trudeau
EXT. UTOPIAN UKRAINIAN WASTELAND – DAY
Floating around in a hover chair, Supreme Leader Xelensky (played to perfection by Leonardo DiCaprio) uses his newly gained telepathy to sift through the rubble of a destroyed home to save BIPOC Ukrainian folx buried underneath. In the background, a giant mushroom cloud is slowly fading away.
(reaching his hand out)
Here, take my hand. I will save you.
The trans daughter of the Ukrainian familx, Moonbeam (played by stunning and brave Mermaid Halle Bailey) grabs hold of Xelensky’s hand. He pulls out before levitating the rest of THEY/THEIR/FISH familx out of the irradiated debris with his powerful mind. Xelensky’s trademark green shirt is tattered and flaps in the wind like a heckin’ super hero’s cape.
What happened, Mr. President? One moment we were eating borscht, the next… this.
(holding back tears)
That bastard Putin is behind this, I’m pretty sure.
Xelensky and Moonbeam turn towards the dissipating mushroom cloud with steel in their eyes.
INT. NATO HQ – DAY
In NATO headquarters, President Kamala Harris (played by Queen Meghan Markle) looks down sadly at a framed picture of President Biden resting in her lap. A tear forms in the corner of her eye as she lets out a heavy sigh. Around the table, the members of NATO share a moment’s silence for their fallen Ukrainian allies.
Really wish you were here right now, big guy. You’d know what to do.
(ghostly, whispery voice over)
Send more money to Ukraine, Jack. Folks… get vaccinated. No, no, I’m serious. Folks… just remember these important words… sackowajjidibowitz… anyway… end of quote, repeat the line, point and wave.
Shocked yet rejuvenated at hearing Joe’s voice for the first time since his untimely assassination by Trump in Dallas, Texas, Kamala turns to the rest of NATO.
We must impose more sanctions on Russia and send more money to Ukraine. We’re going to sanction Putin so hard he’s going to break just like his shitty Nord Stream pipeline, (Kamala winks at the generals and the camera) and then we’re going to throw all our nukes at him. He won’t know what’s hit him.
The room erupts in applause. Old men in uniform wipe tears away from their eyes. High fives all around! In the corner, Greta Thunberg (played by Yasmin Finney in an Oscar winning supporting role) nods sagely and gives a well-earned thumbs up to Kamala, who brims with pride.
INT. PUTIN’S KREMLIN – NIGHT
Pacing around the Kremlin, Putin (played by Meryl Streep because she can do no wrong and it would really piss off Putler if he was played by a womxn) is sweating bullets as his Russian generals attempt a coup. Suddenly, Putin takes out a pistol from his desk and executes one of them before turning the gun on himself. His cro-Magnon brains splatter all over the Kremlin wall, just moments before it’s destroyed by a nuclear blast.
END OF ACT SIX
Reportedly, Amazon is very interested in picking up my screenplay for an eighteen part mini series. Kevin Feige and the folx behind Rings Of Power are attached for producing and directing, respectively. My only hope is World War III can hold off long enough for my series to get the greenlight and finish production. The cast and crew will be extremely diverse, naturally, and if we’re lucky enough it might just end up saving the planet and, more importantly, democracy.
THEY/THEM, perennial basement dweller, entirely remote dog walker and the Coconut Creek Florida holder for most Funko Pops ever inserted into a human anus at one time, Doreen takes an extremely serious approach to the Global COVID-19 Pandemic and current political affairs. Emotionally and mentally scarred by the events of Jan 6th, Doreen devotes much of their time to reporting on dangerous misinformation and fighting for LGBTQIAP+++ rights.