Making friends with any-boty that will listen

All my pandemic pals were faker than Bill Maher's Liberal values

I just found out that all the friends I’ve made online for the past two years are bots. It’s true. We called ourselves The Booster Buddies. We would talk about masks, jabs and Covid 24/7. But after all the laughter and sometimes tears we shared while watching live Dr. Fauci Covid-19 updates I found out it was all a lie. Even though they were just a bot farm in Nevada, I miss them.

I don’t know what’s real or not anymore.

We had never met face to face, which is par for the course these days, what with being in the middle of a global pandemic and all. But what aroused my suspicion was the lack of Zoom calls or pictures. I just chalked it up to them wanting to preserve their anonymity, but after a while I started to question our friendship. I had come to think of these folx like familx. We had spent the past two years scoffing at conspiracy theories, shitting on dead anti-vaxxers and their grieving families, and sneering at the Right’s baseless, deeply insulting comparisons between government mandates and The Holocaust.

Jan. 6—like Pearl Harbour, but not really

We were more than just Reddit bros. We were a heckin’ wholesome bunch of dudes, dudettes and non-defining genderless Reddit aliens, drawn together by a mutual hatred of anti-maskers, anti-lockdowners, anti-vaxxers and chud Trumpers. We would spit venom on Discord for hours at those who refused to comply and obey with the rules and restrictions. All of us were literally shaking at the brutal attack that had been dealt to our democracy during the Insurrection of Jan 6th. We prayed together (or respectfully abstained and took the knee instead). We all snorted with laughter to the point where I couldn’t heckin’ breath whenever another Herman Cain Award would be dished out. Or at least I thought that was the case.

THE DEADLIEST DAY IN AMERICAN HISTORY: The January 6 insurrection will go down as one of the darkest days in US history. Above a Trump supporter takes time out of the deadly riot to email his wife a recipe for chicken parm.

Now I know I was the only one laughing. I was the only one praying on that dreadful day that was like ten 9/11’s, fifty Pearl Harbours, and a million Holocausts all rolled in to one. I was the only one gnashing my teeth with feral unbridled rage at the Grandma killers who refused to wear a fucking mask or get vaccinated. And I was the only one being encouraged and subtly manipulated into getting the jabs by clumps of code.

“Go on, Doreen, get the vaccine,” they’d say, “everyone’s doing it!!”

Bot they’re only Influencers

When I lost the use of both my legs and my face froze up after my booster I posted in the chat for help, to see if anyone else had suffered these mostly mild yet debilitating symptoms. I was immediately assaulted by copious walls of text from several of my “friends”, basically telling me I was delusional, that it was all my fault and that what I had was extremely rare.

Then the chat went dark. All accounts just … disappeared. I was left staring at my blank cold screen, bottom lip stuck out and jibbering, baleful eyes full of betrayal, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

I managed to trace some of their IP addresses before I got blocked, and they all led to some warehouse in the middle of nowhere, Nevada. A bot farm that was unplugged shortly after I discovered it. I’ve basically wasted two years of my life talking to people that didn’t exist; I even turned my back on my family and IRL friends for them. My boosted heart is broken. The worst part though, is that I miss them. I miss my heckin’ Booster Buddies. It really felt like we were all in this together. But now I’m left here with my dick swinging in the wind: legs fucked, face fucked, heart fucked, HEAD FUCKED.

I want them back. I can pretend, it’s fine. It’ll be like nothing ever happened. Plug them back in, you bastards!

Doreen Trudeau
+ posts

THEY/THEM, perennial basement dweller, entirely remote dog walker and the Coconut Creek Florida holder for most Funko Pops ever inserted into a human anus at one time, Doreen takes an extremely serious approach to the Global COVID-19 Pandemic and current political affairs. Emotionally and mentally scarred by the events of Jan 6th, Doreen devotes much of their time to reporting on dangerous misinformation and fighting for LGBTQIAP+++ rights.

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