In a time where everything is offensive and nothing is sacred you might as well scare up some controversy this Halloween. Even if you were to play it safe and dress up as a ghost or a Disney PrincessTM someone somewhere would take offense. Why worry about the Boos when you’re dressing up for BOOOOOOOOOOs. Don’t let any woke witches brew up the curses of triggers, political correctness or cultural appropriation. Here are our top ten creepiest canceled Halloween costumes that Get Woke Up! says you should definitely dress up as this year!
#10. Geisha Girl – I THINK I’M TURNING JAPANESE!
Dust off your rice paddy hat and powder up your face, it’s time to unleash your inner Japanese geisha! No one bats an eye if you dress up as Godzilla, so why should they give two sushis if you want to waddle around in a tight dress for a couple of hours? Call it cultural appropriation if you want, but both Godzilla and the Geisha come from Japan and are deeply rooted in their rich, weird monster and sex-obsessed culture. Even Asians are afraid to go near this one for fear of mob retribution! Well, some of them aren’t!
#9. Blackface Justin Trudeau – YOU’RE EXPERIENCING MY RACISM DIFFERENTLY
If it’s good enough for Justin and his woke leftist fangirls, then it’s good enough for you! Sure, you might get some shocked reactions, but just reassure everyone at your party that it’s fine— you’re not just doing blackface, you’re doing ‘Justin Trudeau, doing blackface’. There’s a special distinction, and everyone will calm down and leave you alone. For the full lived experience, stay in character the entire night by acting like a smug authoritarian douchebag.
#8 I’D LIKE A WOMAN FOR $400, ALEX
This controversial costume will make you the sweetest Trick or Treater on your block when you self-identify as two pillow cases busting out with candy. The best thing about dressing up as a caricature of a woman is that this literal costume of cartoon femininity can’t be called offensive by anyone—ain’t that a drag! This trendy costume comes just in time for the drag queen witching hour story time. The kids are gonna love it!
#7. Sexy Nurse – THE OLDEST PROFESSION IN THE WORLD
Sorry, fact check: “Sexy Healthcare Hero”. Yes, believe it or not but there are some jealous landwhales and fugly, purple haired leftists with unseeming nose-rings that would take great offense to seeing attractive women dress up as sexy nurses. This, of course, has nothing to do with envy, but everything to do with honoring and respecting a profession that has gained superhero deity status over the past two years.
#6. Jimmy Savile – HE’LL FIX YOUR LOOT BAG
Want to really scare the neighborhood kids this Halloween? Dress up as Jimmy Savile and hand out Jim’ll Fix It badges to every trick or treater that comes to your door. We can’t promise you the police won’t come to your door, in fact I’d say it’s a guarantee they will, but at least we’d finally get to see this monstrous nonce get taken away into custody, cause it sure didn’t happen during his lifetime.
#5. A Mask – YOUR MASK ENSLAVES ME, MY MASK ENSLAVES YOU
Touted as an important tool in the toolbox of protection from COVID-19 in the never ending ‘once in a hundred years global pandemic’ the mask is cancelled this Halloween. ‘Masking’ along with other ineffective and totally made up strategies such as social distancing and wiping down your groceries was always a trick that deserves no treat. But what better way is there to scare your neighbour Karen and her grandma by making a mockery of the fear-based pandemic response ala ‘Wear a mask – save lives’. More than 300 pure milk chocolate studies prove that masks are 99.98% effective at blocking mini chocolate bars from your mouth. Follow the Snickers!
#4. COVID-19 – FOLLOW THE CANDY SCIENCE
Even based on the questionable W.H.O figure of 6 million deaths globally which includes people who died WITH COVID-19 and those OF COVID-19 (not accounting for age stratification, other health issues or morons who fell off ladders) dressing up in anything to do with COVID-19 is still in extreme bad taste and will get you kicked out of your liberal friends Halloween party. Just ask @covid_parent.
A more safe and effective costume, sure to please your leftist chums would be a tin foil hat wearing unvaccinated conspiracy theorist choking to death on a ventilator. All you need for this costume is a tube, a roll of tinfoil, and a MAGA hat.
#3. Jeffrey Epstein & Ghislaine Maxwell – TURNING TRICKS AND TREATS!
Want to show off you’re a power couple? Well, who better to dress up as than these two! In fact, why not throw a party where everyone has to dress up as members of their client list? Oh, wait, that’s right, we still don’t have that, do we? In the absence of said list just means your guests will have to use their imagination and go as let’s say…. the Clintons, Obama, Trump, Bill Gates, the dead queen, members of the Hollywood elite…
#2. Native American – CHIEF IMA WANNA CANDY
The problem with this one is it just wasn’t updated to reflect modern reality. Instead of crudely painting your face, planting a feather on your head and dancing around the room whilst whooping into your hand, put on a cheap suit with a name badge and walk around with casino chips in your hand. Bonus points if you’re hosting the Halloween party—you can make everyone feel guilty about standing on your sacred land.
#1. 9/11 Twin Towers – SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT ‘EM
It’s not quite the ‘historic tragedy’ that is Jan 6th, but this one might just cause your Halloween party guests’ first response to run screaming from the building. However, if you can block them from escaping down the stairs you can fire up a convo about drones, controlled demolition, the melting point of steel, and that big old fire pit in Pennsylvania. Remember, if they’re not with you then they’re against you… and not really your friends. If you have a young child you could also dress them up as the third tower—no one cares about that one—and, no, we’re not referring to the Pentagon. So if you and a friend are looking to get cancelled this Halloween it’s plane old bombs away!