Even if It Takes Four Years To Count the Midterm Election Votes – That’s Okay!

Republicans are sore losers who can’t see the blue wave drowning them

After the “Red Wave” of the 2022 midterms turned out to be more of a well-hidden period stain, conspiracy theorists and MAGA Republicunts were left scratching their tinfoil hats in stunned disbelief and falling back on old, tired and completely baseless accusations of voter fraud and stolen elections. Reports of mass Republican suicides due to Democrats claiming control of the Senate remain unconfirmed. But I remain hopeful.

The sort of dangerous, treasonous rhetoric in recent times only became normalized after Trump stole the 2016 election through widespread voter fraud. The whole thing reeks of projection in my opinion.

DeSantis? more like DeSatanist

Being a sore loser isn’t illegal yet, but if these sort of accusations continue it should be. Jail time should seriously be considered for election deniers, misinformation super-spreaders and anyone else who threatens Our Democracy (e.g. Republicans and third party voters). There is no evidence to suggest our elections are anything but safe and effective, and any calls for reform or investigation should be immediately censored, banned and dismissed. Any person or party calling for any level of scrutiny should be investigated themselves for probable ties to Russia.

The claims surrounding the midterms continue to grow more outlandish by the day. States like Arizona and Nevada have been put under the microscope, simply for taking the time and effort to carefully count and verify all their votes to ensure there was no Trumpian trickery afoot. There was also controversy dominating Dominion voting machines malfunctioning, which is completely normal and par for the course, and thus requires no further investigation or recount. If only officials would unplug these conspiracy theorists from the internet like they did at the ballot box.

Those scoff-worthy, eye-roll inducing cries of shenanigans pale in comparison to the various conspiracy theories that have spread like the deadly COVID-19/RSVP/MonkeyPacks Viruses  (especially on THIS website!) following the election: 

DON’T WOKE UP, WAKE UP!

The midterms never happened, it was all a dream. Like Season 9 of Dallas. Except the only person to be surprised at who was in the shower with them was Ashley Biden.

LET’S MAKE IT UKRAINE CASH 

Some independent publications are now alleging (with zero evidence) that the cryptocurrency exchange FTX funded the Democrats through a money laundering scheme involving Ukraine. The very notion that that could happen is ridiculous. We all know how well the exchange markets are regulated, setting aside 2008 and 1929, respectively. 

ECONOMIC CRASH, BALDERDASH!

As transitory inflation has become a more permanent and looming threat (even I can barely afford to buy as many Funko Pops as I usually do each month!!), MAGA conspiracy theorists claim the economic crash which may or may not happen is all planned. Biden would never let this happen. Come on! This is poppycock of the highest order, which is why instead of panicking like some loony prepper I am converting all my precious metals into secure hard assets, like crypto currency.

FOOD SHORTAGES BUGGING YOU?

Just because a healthy, nutritious sustainable bug diet is being pushed on folx doesn’t mean that there is some shadowy climate cabal plotting against us. It’s not like Bill Gates and his rich buddies are buying up vast amounts of farm land and burning down food processing plants. Yes, those things ARE happening, but it’s nothing to worry about. It’s all a bit of harmless fun and banter between billionaire globalists, that’s all.  

MICROCHIPS EVERYWHERE

5G transceivers were covertly installed in Blue state voting booths by Russian agents that were then used to mind-control vaccinated folx to make them vote blue, regardless of their political affiliation (of course the vaccinated only vote Dem but better safe than sorry). There might be something to this actually. I’ll check the Internet.

When you’re done tutting and shaking your head along with me in disbelief at all that absolute raving lunacy, please take a moment to appreciate that these people vote. There will no doubt be fresh squeals of dissent when Democrats win big again in 2024 under the steady, sound and wise leadership of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Experts are already estimating that it will take four years to properly count all the votes this time – and honestly, that’s okay! But the contrarian, impatient, fascist chuds will cry foul as per usual. I say if they don’t like it, they can vax off to another country, one that doesn’t celebrate and practice American style Democracy. 

Doreen Trudeau
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THEY/THEM, perennial basement dweller, entirely remote dog walker and the Coconut Creek Florida holder for most Funko Pops ever inserted into a human anus at one time, Doreen takes an extremely serious approach to the Global COVID-19 Pandemic and current political affairs. Emotionally and mentally scarred by the events of Jan 6th, Doreen devotes much of their time to reporting on dangerous misinformation and fighting for LGBTQIAP+++ rights.

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