I’d like to share with you the book my father read to me when I was sick. I’m still sick, of course, we all know that the deadly Covid-19 virus is endemic. But unlike my Sexist, Racist, Transphobic, Islamophobic, Lactose Intolerant birthing persons mating partner, my film adaption of a film adaption of a book adaption will be inclusive and culturally relevant for a sophisticated modern viewing audience, who no longer read books.
As to why I am publishing my new screenplays on the extremely problematic hate platform GWU!, well, they pay per click on gross dental ad pop ups for one thing. More importantly it’s to own and piss off the bigoted fanboys who frequent this site, like my chud brother Kyle! (I know you do Kyle, you have their monkey t-shirt!)
Uhggg! That werewolf/monkey logo is burned into my retinas! Avert your eyes to my sanitized, Covid-19 safe and non-triggering new script:
THE PRINCESS BRIDE REMAKE TITLED THE PRINCESS BRIDE
[I have contacted the original director Rob Reiner on Twitter and he is fully onboard with our remake given one provision. He has made us promise that we will use the opportunity to lampoon former U.S. President Donald Trump (about time someone did!).
This entirely sane and reasonable stipulation has been a creative boon for me as a screenwriter as I continue to explore these rich cultural ideas. It has led to a script full of fresh, boundary pushing jokes punching up at a man so evil and reviled that not even SNL has had the balls to touch him.]
INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAYA group of happy gender-neutral kids are gathered around in a circle for Drag Queen Story Hour. Our humble narrator Doreen (played by myself in an Oscar-winning role) is resplendent in full drag, reading out an updated and modernized edition of The Princess Bride.
DOREEN
Gather round, my little eggs. It’s fairy time story time.
NON-BINARY 6 YEAR OLD
There’s no kissing in this story, is there?
DOREEN
Oh, yes – and much more than that, too. Now, children, before I begin, what’s the number one rule of Drag Queen Story Hour?
ALL THE KIDS
Don’t tell your parents!
DOREEN
That’s right. What happens in Drag Queen Story Hour stays in Drag Queen Story Hour.
CUT TO
EXT. TWITTER SWAMP – DAY
Our strong female protagonist Buttercup (played by the first female action hero Jennifer Lawrence) is slashing her way through the Twitter Swamp, disguised as the Dread Pirate Roberts, dragging a quivering Westley (played by Chris Pine in yet another role designed to emasculate him) behind her. Elongated Muskrats and raccoon dogs spew hateful remarks at them, frightening poor Westley.
ELONGATED MUSKRAT
You will never be a woman.
ELONGATED MUSKRAT #2
White lives matter.
ELONGATED MUSKRAT #3
42%.
WESTLEY
Oh my– oh golly gosh– save me, save me!! They carry the plague, you know!!
BUTTERCUP
As you wish!
Buttercup cleaves one of the B.O.U.S (Bigots Of Unusual Size) in twain, and soldiers on with Westley scurrying along after her. They come to a clearing. Bearing a strong resemblance to a certain former U.S. President, Prince Trumperdinck (played by Alec Baldwin if he’s not in prison, Pedro Pascal if he is) arrives on horseback wearing a red helmet. Behind him, the giant Fezzik (played by John Fetterman) lumbers along in chains.
BUTTERCUP
(con’t)
Let that poor man go!
TRUMPERDINCK
I don’t think so, snowflake. You see, he’s very happy. I imprisoned him in a very nice, very humane way. This giant has big hands – I have very small hands, the smallest, some say – and he’s going to help me build a wall. A castle wall. We’re going to make Florin great again. Just watch, you’ll see. Buy my NFT playing cards, they’re great, everyone says so.
A gender-swapped Inigo Montoya (played by Stormy Daniels) emerges from the forest, pointing a dildo-shaped sword at Trumperdinck.
INIGO
My name is Inigo Montoya. You paid me to sign an NDA. Prepare for jail.
TRUMPERDINCK
Slander! Lies! Sad! The proud people of Florin will never stand for this. Wait and see.
[I’m worried I’ve made the satire too subtle. I want Trump to know he’s been parodied; I want him good and rattled before his inevitable and long overdue incarceration! Hopefully a skilled performer will be able to inject enough right-wing smarm and narcissism into the portrayal to make it pop on screen. This time we’ve got him, @robreiner! The walls are closing in!]
