Readers of GWU! were no doubt cheering on anti-vaxxer Steve Kirsch’s recent tweet where he bragged about offering someone $100,000 to take their mask off on an airplane. I’m not an expert on the law or anything but isn’t that like attempted murder or something? Thankfully the person Satan– I mean “Steve” tried to entice to the dark side cared more about the health and safety of not only themselves but their fellow passengers, and refused to take off their N95. I mean, masking on planes isn’t the law anymore but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t just pretend it’s not!

It’s all there in Steve’s tweet. The fact that he’s still using a right-wing echo chamber like Twitter to promote his anti-vax conspiracy theories should tell you all you need to know about this loathsome chud. Anyone with any morals or self-respect whatsoever has already migrated to Mastodon, or is in the long and arduous process of doing so. 

STEVE KIRSCH – UNMASKED HUBRIS

What crumples my mask however is that Steve sees this exchange as a win. This was anything but a win for Steve and his ilk. Qanoners will claim this is evidence that we (the masked majority) are brainwashed. Nonsense. All this has shown is that we can’t be bought. Our moral convictions and commitment to safety are so strong that no amount of money can make us abandon our principles. 

Take it from someone that was there – the look of crushing defeat on Steve’s face when the womxn rejected his offer was simply delectable. That’s right, folx, you read that correctly: I was aboard the flight.

I know, I know, I’m more than aware of the dangers of traveling during a literal Global pandemic, which is why I came well prepared with several N95s, face-shields, anti-bacterial wipes, lateral flow tests and even doubled up condoms should I meet that special someone in the restroom. (A She/Her can dream.) What protective gear I was physically incapable of wearing on me I had stuffed into my carry-on and suitcase, leaving zero room for clothes, FunkoPops or even my phone charger.

FIRST CLASS MOVES AT THE SPEED OF SCIENCE

I had also opted to travel First Class to avoid the plague-infested peasantry in Business and Economy Class. They may be front line heroes but they were also stupid enough to actually work during a pandemic. My boomer gammon birthing person and birthing-adjacent person (who paid for my plane ticket) practically begged me to upgrade anyway, insisting that my life was far more precious and worth protecting than theirs or Kyle’s, who would be packed together like sardines and rubbing shoulders with the filthy proles in Economy.

Quite frankly, it was the least they could do for me after arranging the trip to Disney World behind my back. Apparently, they assumed I wouldn’t be interested in going on holiday due to my “obsession with COVID,” high risk of freckling in the sun and justified hatred of Florida. It’s like they don’t even know me. Yes, I hate Florida with a fiery passion, but I heckin’ love (modern) Disney. My favorite film of all time is The Last Jedi, for Fauci’s sake!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

So, that’s how I found myself in First Class watching what very well could have turned into Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 2.0 had the womxn capitulated to Steve’s proposition and taken off her mask.

Overwhelmed by foolish greed and a selfish desire to breathe, other passengers would have started removing their chin-straps in open rebellion, allowing the virus to devour its way through everyone aboard the aircraft like a zombie plague, killing us all instantly.

I knew straight away though that the womxn was too stunning and brave to fall for Steve’s slimy snake oil salesman charms, and that she would see right through the huckster and his flimflammery. She had a “I heckin’ love science!” shirt on, a Pride badge pinned to her lapel, a BLM bumper sticker and mini Ukraine flag on her laptop, and of course she was wearing a properly fitted N95, along with goggles and gloves.

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE, OVER

The poor thing had just been upgraded to First Class after understandably having a panic attack after the white cis het man in front of her rudely SCREAMED at her (totally unprovoked!) to stop kicking his seat. I didn’t hear this part of the exchange as I was watching Jimmy Kimmel on my iPad and was laughing uproariously at my generation’s Gallagher making zinger after zinger against Tucker Carlson. But over the studio audience laugh track I did overhear the womxn calmly, politely and quietly whisper to a member of the cabin crew that she would like to move seats.

I had been suspiciously side eyeing Steve since the moment I entered First Class, alarmed by his lack of mask and the unmistakable bone structure and crooked spine curvature of a Republicunt. What really grabbed my attention though was as soon as the womxn walked in – Steve perked up. He started rubbing his hands together like a giant praying mantis and his forked tongue began rapidly darting in and out of his mouth.

He unclasped his briefcase and held it out towards the womxn, showing her the $100,000 he had neatly stacked in there. It was like watching the serpent offering Eve the apple. The only difference of course being that this was rooted in reality, like all my columns. He hissed at her to take the mask off, his slit pupils narrowing menacingly. She glared daggers over her mask at Steve, and silently shook her head. 

AIRPLANE! SHERLEY.

That’s when the entire cabin crew (including pilot and co-pilot) arrived and formed a protective human shield around the womxn. Steve shrank back like a vampire avoiding sunlight, before sharply pivoting towards me with desperation and fear in his eyes. With trembling claws, he offered me the briefcase. “T– take your mask off, child,” he stammered in a guttural rasp, unable to keep the quiver of terror out of his voice.

I stood up, puffed my binded chest out, jutted my jaw out as far as my masks would allow, and whispered “no.” Steve wilted before me, the sight of which gave me a throbbing vagina-erection. I’ve never felt more powerful – not even when banning chuds on Reddit for misinformation and hate-speech, I’m looking at you, r/wokemadness! As the air marshall bum-rushed Steve towards the front door of the plane to immediately eject him from the aircraft, the entire plane erupted into applause. The roar of wind as the hatch was opened blew all our masks clean off our faces, and the panic this caused gave Steve enough time to grab a parachute before being flung out somewhere over the socialist paradise of Venezuela. Lucky for him, I guess.

The rest of the plane journey was largely uneventful, and when we landed I was extremely disappointed to see that not only had Kyle survived the plane journey despite being unvaccinated, but Steve had too, and was now gaslighting his smooth-brained online audience with misinformation of  a highly fictionalized and extremely downplayed version of the official narrative!