I don’t know about y’all but Xmas is always the worst time of year for me. The consumerism. The cringe family get togethers. The tiresome arguments over whether or not “Die Hard” counts as a Christmas film (you’re all wrong, it’s actually a Kwanzaa movie). The genocide of defenseless turkeys. The marginalization of non-Christian faiths and LGBTQIAP+ communities. The bigoted boomers crying over an offensive slur being censored in “Fairytale of New York”. There’s literally nothing special or good about it, Jesus!

Call me a Grinch or a Scrooge all you like, chuds (except don’t, because that’s literally hate speech and extremely harmful to anti-Christmas folx such as myself). I literally don’t care. Until y’all stop gatekeeping the festive cheer, severely tone down the Christian iconography, and accept that Santa could just as easily be a Black, queer-coded trans wheelchair user, I won’t be participating in your holiday games. Deal with it.

So with all that in mind I decided that this year I would avoid the yuletide chuddery by taking a short sleigh ride to Gaza to spend my Xmas with the good and mostly peaceful folx in Hamas. I was extremely confident that I’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d been brushing up on my Arabic and devouring the Quran on my Kindle in preparation. I couldn’t wait to enrich and strengthen my already unique take on Christmas with a healthy seasoning of diversity and culture.

Hamas For The Holidays

I had asked Moonbeam and Yiffer if they’d like to accompany me on my trip but sadly neither of them could make it for some reason. I could tell by the look they exchanged between each other that they were absolutely gutted they couldn’t join me on Christhamas. They both made me some Pride-themed Muslim attire to wear for my trip, though: a tuck-friendly burka and a rainbow colored hijab. Best. Friends. Ever!

In the end though, it didn’t matter that my friends couldn’t make it as I made some new ones on the plane ride over. My new chums Milton (NB 26), Khaleesi (F 24) and Skibidi Playground (MtF 56) are also proud members of the Free Palestine LARP, and were immediately identifiable by their fursuits, N95s and multicolored hair. I’ve never felt so comfortable and at ease discussing politics with total strangers. I knew there was little to no danger that any of us would have differences of opinion. 

As soon as we arrived, Khaleesi was whisked away by a welcoming committee of chanting carolers, and the rest of us were bundled into the back of a van with hoods over our heads. Naturally, I assumed we were being taken to a secret grotto for presents and they wanted it to be a surprise, hence all the theatrics with the hoods and gun in my mouth. I was shaking with excitement, and I’m not ashamed to admit a bit of wee came out as we got closer and closer to what was sure to be a magical holiday destination.

When the hoods finally came off, we were standing on the roof of a warehouse. As my Hamas homies gently nudged us towards the edge of the roof with the barrels of their rifles (for some reason), what looked like a shooting star streaked across the night sky. It arced towards us, just like in the movies. We all gazed up at it in awe and wonder. For a brief, magical moment I thought I could hear sleigh bells jingling overhead.

Slay Prayer Bells Ring

“It can’t be– Santa?” I joyously sputtered into my N95 in disbelief, seconds before the IDF missile struck our building. Skibidi Playground was vaporized in an instant, sadly. Her literal captive audience of TikTok followers will never know what happened to Skibidi Playground, and will likely starve to death in that basement now. Milton ran around on fire until some of the surviving freedom fighters put him out with life saving bullets. Miraculously unscathed by the blast, I bravely fled and didn’t stop running until I made it all the way back to the airport.

I hopped on the first flight available and hid in the toilet for safety until we were up in the air. Having survived the COVID pandemic and Ottawa Freedumb Qonvoy, I’m no stranger to close calls with death, but this one shook me, folx. Israeli citizens are the unvaccinated plague-rats of the world. They literally tried to kill me, and would have succeeded too if I hadn’t dived behind those civilians at the last second.