Donald J. Trump’s road to the “Golden Age” may actually be paved in sticky tar-iffs, says one financial expert in his dire economic warning to GWU! readers. Certified accountant to the Hollywood stars Gene Truman advises that living in the new America First era could be more costly than the nation’s previous reliance on Chinese-made goods. With the recently announced mega tariffs levied on the communist nation, the cost of everything from TVs to phones to cars and other modern conveniences that Americans have enjoyed from China’s slave workforce may soon be a lot pricier when they’re built back better by Uncle Sam.
In this GWU! exclusive that you won’t read anywhere else: Truman is breaking down why buying American-made products will soon be a luxury only the wealthiest will be able to afford—compared to those sneaky, budget-friendly Chinese imports:
1. Hi-Def and Taxes
According to Truman, a Yankee-made 4K TV at your local Best Buy could cost anywhere from $6,000 to $12,000 in the new Golden Age of television. “Your new Boob Tube may be a great way to watch the Emmys, but you’ll definitely be paying the price,” predicts the accountant who once convinced “The Martian” star Matt Damon to go to the moon with Dogecoin. “It might be a worthy investment over the $300 Chinese model that has questionable data collection and likely spies on you.”
2. Steve Jobs Back to Americans
“A $200 Chinese phone comes with five cameras, a built-in rice cooker, and multiple CCP backdoors,” warns Truman, who once used his AP Calculus knowledge to get TV’s “Who’s the Boss” star Tony Danza out of a hilarious tax mix-up (AO-OA—ed). “It’s the price you pay for affordability.” However, adds the off-shore accounting wiz, “a made-in-America phone, like an iPhone, could cost anywhere from a whopping $30,000 to $50,000” (Hey Siri, WTF—ed).
3. Yilong Ma’s Elongated Inflation
For those hoping to purchase their first car, Trump’s tariffs may nudge you to ride the bus for a little while longer, confirms Truman to America’s Number Source of Newstainment, GWU! “Drive American,” the money man says (if you can still afford gas—ed). “What cost you $15,000 from a Snow-Mexican-Canadian factory will now have you stretching to $70,000+, and the union-made breaks will cost you extra. Or you can just buy one of those electric pieces of garbage for the same price.”
4. Kitted out for communism
Mean Gene Truman, who briefly owned the Knight Rider Trans AM for a tax write-off, advises that Americans may want to learn to patch those old jeans themselves, as US-made denim may end up costing them ‘European’ designer prices for pants previously stitched by 9-year-olds in the Red Dragon. “I’m predicting $400-$500 for something as basic as a pair of jeans knitted by millennials with master’s degrees.” Truman continues that the days of Gap and Old Navy 75% off sales will be as foreign as the days when Americans were properly paid for an honest day’s work. Truman contrasts this to the $12 slacks he bought 2 years ago, which were made by underpaid undergrad workers in Guangdong. “It’s all about the fit,” he laughs. “Don’t think that the increased prices will actually flow back to the workers when production shifts back to America. What is this, communism?”
5. How Do You Say ‘UUHHAAHH’ in Mandarin?
From kitchen and bathroom renovations to an apartment above your garage for your underemployed adult children, Truman believes these might be the final nail in your bank account’s coffin. “Sure, the average tool is going to cost ten times more at Home Depot,” says the man who has helped Hollywood elites like Tim ‘the Toolman’ Tailor dodge insider trading jail terms at Club Fed. “But a Dictator Xi wrench for $5 bucks breaks after two uses.” (It does come with 10 more in the same package, though—ed)
6. Blockhead Toying with a Global Trade War
Truman says those super toys from the Great Firewall that light up, talk, walk, and record your home WIFI password will be a thing of the past under Trump’s trade war. “Toys “R” Us will be wall-to-wall $150 wooden blocks. But remember, it will be sustainably harvested and hand-carved by child-free labor, and endorsed by that fat guy who ruined the Minecraft brand.”
7. Sleep Like a Patriot
An all-American-made mattress hand-stitched by recently laid-off JCPenney cashiers-turned-bedtime-craftsmen will cost upwards of $16,500, says the man who once held a garage sale to help Nicolas Cage get out of debt. “It’s a rather high trade deficit compared to the previous Chinese ‘couch /bed in bag’ from Temu for $77 that arrives at your door in a suspiciously vacuum-sealed bag.”
