Kate Middleton has been found …. or has she? The Royal palace announcement of a planned abdominal surgery for the Princess of Wales on January 17th has turned into a two-month disappearance from public life, leading to online speculation as to her health and whereabouts.
Famous for secrets and outright lies, the palace’s non-confirmation as to Kate’s well-being came into further question when a bizarre photoshopped image of the Princess and her children was found out to be digitally altered. “But things got even stranger,” gossips GWU! royal watcher Clammy J. Byner. “A recent outing by ‘Kate’ to Windsor Farms, now looks to be a look alike double posing as the Queen to be!”
Be that as it may, our palace private eye has gathered the 13 of the weirdest theories going around as to where in the world our darling Princess has gone.
13. Following in Lady Diana’s footsteps Kate was assassinated by the palace. Unlike the case with Diana, technology has advanced to the point where we can have an unfinished clone walking around to throw the general public off the truth. I blame colonialism.
12. THIS JUST IN: A cow was seen by some sheep at the farm. Goodnight from TMZ.
11. She’s still ‘missing’. That skinny girl in the farm video is 100% not her. It’s a crisis actor. Pretty soon they’ll announce her accidental death on the same day they announce death from ‘cancer’ for King Chucky who actually missed an adrenochrome meal and ate Kate’s soul instead.
10. The weird Mother’s Day photo was just a way to warm up the public to accept AI deep fakes as normal so we’ll never know what to believe. It’s working.
9. Pleeeeesssse! Princess Catherine was obviously taking an intensive three month long Adobe Photoshop class. Her teacher sucks.
8. Kate has been around and in the public eye the whole time. The problem is just that Lizard People can’t be photographed.
7. The royal marriage has collapsed. Will has been bumping his royal knob with his old lover, horse-faced Rose Hanbury. He wants her to be his soul Queen. DIVORCE … INCOMING!
6. The Princess was hiding somewhere in Mexico after Will (with his famous temper) murdered Kate’s lover, Thomas Kingston. Shot him in the head. I know people at the palace.
5. Kate has lost so much weight recently that when she turns sideways she now ‘disappears.’
4. My own theory is and always was that Catherine is a man named Carl. Even though William is gay he’s grown tired of stroking a paperclip.
3. At 1.18 there is some straight up demon shit going on up on the ceiling. The way that it moves, like a staccato stop/start motion projection, is very true to what reliable eyewitnesses who’ve seen demonic entities report. This video is from eight years ago, but it looks like whatever that thing was has finally caught up with Kate. Scary. RIP Princess.
2. Not that I care about any of these people but with the King dead, Middleton is in a bunker somewhere with Jeff Bezos and the Clintons as they wait out the impending end of the world. It’s in the Bible. Buying crypto now.
1. When King Charles III was hospitalized for cancer in January the palace needed a distraction from the weakened King. The King also needed her organs. DEAD.
