I hope y’all went on nice holidays this summer, because they might be your last. We all have to do our bit to fight climate change, and there are just some sacrifices that have to be made. Decadent and environmentally destructive luxury holidays abroad can no longer be afforded. With the sad state of the global economy and the ongoing cost of living crisis I truly do mean that in every sense of the word. Also, the new COVID variants are spreading like wildfire, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we need to go back into lockdown, and who knows how long this next one will be!
But don’t go euthanizing yourselves just yet, folx! Yes, you may never get to go to some booze soaked all-inclusive tropical resort, or enjoy the feeling of scorching hot sand underneath your blistering feet as you waddle briskly down the beach to go frolic in the sea. But honestly, you won’t care when you find out what our benevolent overlords have in store for us peasants to replace such archaic, expensive and totally unnecessary pastimes. In fact, you’ll never want to leave home again (which is good, because you won’t be able to anyway!).
Crossing the Line
Cutting my verbal carbon short, I spent my summer exploring every nook and cranny of the cozy confines of the 15 minute city in Dubai known as ‘The Line’. The Saudi Royal Family ruled city in the UAE is known for being number one at executing futuristic goals. The Prince has ensured that his carbon neutral nation is number one at having the tallest skyscrapers, the biggest malls and the next thing that comes after democracy.
The 75-mile long building in the desert sand stretches up into the sky as high as the Empire State building. It is fully mirrored on the outside. One imagines, to reflect its awesomeness. The sprawling, fully enclosed metropolis (three whole blocks in my zone!) is not yet open to the public, but I was lucky enough to receive a special invite from the World Economic Forum after their founder Klaus Schwab read one of my commentaries on GWU! (he’s a big fan). Evidently, he thought I was just the right kind of person who would appreciate the comfy convenience and snug safety of a 15 minute city!
I wasn’t the only one lucky enough to be there either. All the slave laborers who built the city (I’ve been assured that they’re highly paid and well looked after) were entombed in there with me, performing various labor type jobs. They didn’t seem too happy, but they did own nothing, so they’re halfway towards achieving true enlightenment! There was a small cluster of other invited shills– I mean guests that were also vacationing alongside me, basking in the cultural enrichment, neon glow and savage beauty of the brilliantly diverse, pleasantly cramped urban jungle we now found ourselves in.
Spending every waking moment under the watchful gaze of armed guards, ULEZ cameras and hidden surveillance equipment, I can honestly say, hand on nip-scar, I have never felt safer in my life. The gently restrictive and joyfully repetitive nature of the 15 minute city gave me an overwhelming sense of freedom and a fresh appreciation for my daily surroundings. This thin wedge of a city was my desert flower. Within its narrow boundaries I could achieve anything with the right permission and climate conscious attitude.
Over the bridge
After a few short days, I began to settle into a pleasantly passionless rhythm, going about my same daily tasks and interacting with the same people over and over again on a set schedule like an NPC in Shenmue. Under the mild and liberating threat of AK-47s and costly fines, thoughts of leaving my designated zone never crossed my mind. Even if they did I would quickly expunge them before they could take root and put me at risk.
On my last day, I met up with the Krassenstein twins, Brian and Ed for lunch in our rapidly shrinking sector. They were also there via special invitation, and had enjoyed the experience as much as I had. Over mugs of soy milk and bowls of witchetty grubs and mealworms, we commiserated about how dangerous the conspiracy theories about 15 minute cities were, and discussed ways in which we can educate folx about them. Our allotted time in the cafe was soon up, and we were helpfully moved along at gunpoint by the amazing, friendly and punctual guards. Brian wasn’t sure why they killed Ed. All he did was ask why we were being moved. Well, whatever the reason we’re sure it was for the greater good.
Last Flight for Saigon Hawaii in 15 Minutes
Feeling like I had contributed a gargantuan amount towards defeating climate change during my brief stay in the city, I eagerly boarded the private helicopter Herr Klaus had sent for the NWO VIPs with no compunction or hesitancy, scrambling up the stairs on all fours whilst throwing fervent, longing glances back towards the swelling ranks of the cities’ willing inhabitants and worker drones gathering on the flank of the airstrip. You could feel the excitement as they waved us farewell in their peasant cosplay and kinky bondage gear. Their cheeky and wholesome attempts to spill out onto the runway to properly say goodbye to us were held back by only a small battalion of WEF guards, who just about managed to keep them at bay until we lifted off despite their unbridled enthusiasm and growing numbers.
Needless to say, I am now sold on the idea of implementing 15 minute cities everywhere. This will not only reduce our carbon output, but also enrich everyone’s lives tenfold. Having done my part however, and not wanting to deprive anyone else of experiencing such a Utopian dream, I will humbly but regrettably not be living in one. Instead, I’ve been reliably informed that myself and the other hacks– GUESTS who participated in this expedition will be housed in brand new Maui beachfront properties, or as far away from the rest of civilization as we can possibly get. It’s a penance really, for unfairly sampling the delectable delights of this brave new world before anyone else. It’s only equitable.
