Gordo Stevens was always tubby. From primary school to his first year of university no matter what the Columbia University student tried he just couldn’t shed the Freshman 15. That was … until he discovered the nation-wide weight loss craze sweeping college campuses: The Gaza Hunger Strike Diet.
Stevens credits the protest inspired diet for his dramatic shedding of 30 lbs and says standing up for Palestine by starving himself was the best thing he’s ever done for himself or an oppressed people that he only learned about a month ago.
The former fatty first-year university student says that the diet was simple to follow, and the only real requirements entail adhering to the name of it. “Basically the whole ‘starvation’ thing is the key,” smiles the Women’s Studies student from his tent in New York’s Upper West side encampment.
“If you can stick with your TikTok pledge to starve yourself until your university divests itself from Israel then you can bet you’re going to lose pounds faster than the Jews can resettle the rightful landowners of Palestine.”
Stevens who is now on Day 30 of his Gaza Hunger Strike says that he went from a rotund 260 to a svelte 230 by following a strict diet of only water and no food combined with a radical leftist approved list of activities that sped up his rapid reduction in overall body territory. The shrinking and loving it communist 2SLGBTQIIA+ (does he mean ‘BLT+’?—ed) HE/HIM is now exclusively sharing his fat disruption protest plan with GWU! readers.
How to declare an intifada on your Gaza Gut
- The Death March
“Exercise is an important part of the Gaza Gut diet. You need to stay active to burn even more fat cells than just from not eating.” Stevens adds that doing normal protest activities works just fine. “Patrolling your encampments fence to yell at journalists like a Hamasshole is one way to get your steps in!” To exercise your upper body he recommends swatting cell phones out of curious onlookers hands. “Don’t worry, you won’t get arrested. You’re on the right side of history. The scales of justice (and the weight scale) are on your side. I mean, you’re basically like Gandhi except instead of passive resistance, you’re being passive aggressive.”
- West Bank Wardrobe
You’ll want to feel the part of someone who is both dieting and willing to die for their cause. Stevens says a proper exercise outfit is a must. “You’ll need a super hot non-breathable Keffiyeh, of course. But you’ll also want to dress as much like a gay hobo as possible.” He advises a mismatched combination of loose and tight clothing with a vaguely ‘queer hobo’ couture that incorporates both rainbows and a dogmatic Islamic sensibility.
- A Dip in the Red Sea
Hydration. “Drink lots of water,” says Stevens. “But be sure to stick to purified double filtered and stay away from police fire hoses as a general rule.” Despite Stevens understanding that Gaza hasn’t had access to clean drinking water since 1948, he doesn’t seem worried.
- Baby Got Land Back
Just keep thinking of your fat as a white colonist settler. “Like the fascist Europeans who took over the territory of the Indigenous peoples, your jiggles have no claim over your body mass. Reject the domination of your oppressor and reconnect with your body’s correct natural balance.” A sweat lodge located conveniently on your encampment site can create just the right cultural climate for exercising both your white guilt and your sweat glands.
- The Gaza Strip Show
All night drug-induced sex orgies. Yes, these are a thing as GWU! recently reported. Stevens says that getting frisky with fellow believers in the cause of freeing both Palestine and their willies is a great way to strip away the pounds. He also adds that with your new jacked summer bod, you’ll be pitching more tents with fellow brothers and sisters than at an Indian Pow Wow.
- Six Degrees of a Two State Solution
Eat the degree you tore up on video. “It’s perfect for social media clicks and adding a bit of fiber to your H2O diet, munching on your masters is both nutritious and rebellious.” Stevens concludes that while some might say this is cheating they have a point as the people eating their degrees can always have their parents order a new one from the Dean’s office.
As the Gaza Hunger Strike Diet dominates the fad diet world there are a number of other pointless hunger strike copycat trends gaining popularity. These include:
- The Foreign Students Starvation Diet
This is most popular with Indian diploma mill students in Canada who are protesting that their Degrees in Post Modern Uber Delivery History won’t qualify them for citizenship. While an ineffective diet, it does accomplish one thing in freeing up spots in line at the food bank for people who actually need to use it.
- The Hollywood Actor’s Diet
The cliché of the starving actor is nothing new but with the impacts of the pandemic, the writers/actors strikes and the pushing of woke ideology in film and TV the phrase has become a reality industry wide. While this is also a trending starvation diet, followers of it are allowed to consume as much of one thing as they like: woke bullshit.
- Starving for Change to Climate Change
When throwing paint on a painting or trying to smash up the Magna Carta isn’t moving the needle on climate change, some hot heads are holding hunger strikes in the hope of saving the planet. While a lot of the lardos screaming about the normal effect of the sun on the planet could certainly stand to drop a bit of their carbon footprint no amount of weight loss will compensate for the perpetual Greta scowl they’re stuck with.
Lightheaded Side Effects
Health experts do not recommend following the Gaza Starvation Diet. While weight loss will occur, depriving the body of food for long periods of time can cause serious long-term health issues. Although GWU! usually disagrees with ‘the experts’ the science is clear that starvation diets cause symptoms such as weakened bone density, diarrhea, chronic fatigue and dehydration and eventually … organ failure.
Top doctors tell GWU! that anyone thinking that the Gaza Hunger Strike Diet is a healthy way to lose weight or make their university divest from Israel is likely suffering from an organ failure, specifically, according to experts, the brain.
