My two biggest passions in life (Harry Potter, and supporting my heckin’ Trans allies) are at odds with each other, thanks to the extremely transphobic tweets made by She Who Must Be Not Named (J.K. Rowling). Her tweets are so offensive and laden with transphobic rhetoric that I refuse to even show them here. I insist that you all refrain from searching for them. Just take my word for it and accept that she is the devil incarnate and is 1000% solely responsible for the high suicide rate amongst trans folx.
With this in mind, I hope you can sympathize with my current situation regarding the release of the highly controversial online video game Hogwarts Legacy. On the one hand, I feel compelled to stand alongside my brave and beautiful trans brethren/sistren/otheren as we wand off the hordes of TERFs, transphobes and Trumpers. But I also … really fucking want to play the game. You can explore Hogwarts as a Hufflepuff on a heckin’ hippogriff!
THIS ISN’T YOUR GRANDMXS QUIDDITCH
I mean, why should the chuds get all the fun, right? Alt-right fascists that aren’t even fans of Harry Potter are bulk buying this game solely to spite trans and non-binary folx such as myself, even after we politely and respectfully ordered them not to. What’s more, J.K. Rowling issued a statement on Twitter whilst coiled atop her mountain of gold like some bigoted dragon that basically said all the money she makes from this game will go towards torturing trans toddlers and taking xem away from xer families. I’m not making this up, folx. She literally said that, in parseltongue.
To quote Harvey Weinstein from The Dark Knight: “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a bigoted transphobe.” That’s exactly what happened with J.K. Rowling. She was my hero. I love the Wizarding World so much. I took her Sorting Hat quiz on Pottermore about fifty times, although that was mainly because the damn thing was clearly broken and it kept putting me in Slytherin. Snakes-a-lot! I even enjoyed the woke but still terrible Fantastic Beast films, that’s how much I adore Harry Potter.
TW: RAMPANT TRANSPHOBIA!
But then she had to go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “women are women.”
I’m sorry y’all had to read that, but now you can understand why sane, rational and compassionate folx like myself are finding it so difficult to separate the art from the artist. The greedy corporatx game developers supposedly ‘publicly disavowed the author’ and did the absolute bare minimum by including a made up trans character in the game. Transpeople are real! Such shallow pandering will not quell our rage.
THE NAME’S BOND, TRANS-BOND
Anyway, with all that said I went ahead and bought the infernal game. Deluxe Edition, even. BY MERLIN’S BEARD, DON’T JUDGE ME! I’m doing it so you don’t have to; even the simple action of pre-ordering the Rowling money making scheme made me violently ill and gave me MPTSD (Magic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Look at it this way: I’m like a spy going behind enemy lines. I’m trans-Bond. I’m non-binary Solid Snake. I’m heckin’ Snape, deep in the enemy camp, pretending to be a Death Eater whilst secretly wanking to the memory of Lily, or in this case the memory of everything J.K. Rowling once stood for.
I know I’m negatively impacting and undermining the massively successful social media campaign to boycott this crime against transmanity by buying it with dirty fiat money, but I’ve done my part for the rebellion. I have added plenty of humorous, thought-provoking and sharply satirical tags (“Transphobic Trash”, “Holocaust Simulator”, “Chudwarts,” etc.) to the game on Steam.
TAKE THAT, YOU FANTASTIC BEAST!
I have already submitted the following extremely negative review for it. (This is NOT review bombing, only alt-right white supremacists are capable of that):
“This Genocide Simulator was so bad that my high-end gaming rig exploded the moment I tried to launch it. I’m still picking bits of shrapnel out of my face. When I finally got it to work on my Uncle’s old Windows 95 by massively scaling down the graphics, it still performed like trash and it even downloaded some illegal pictures onto his hard drive. Uncle was aghast, as was I, seeing as I was in some of them, butt-naked and everything! Anyhow, the game has you locked in as a toxic male protagonist, with the first task forcing you to cast Unforgivable Curses on First Years, all of whom identify as trans. The following mission has you and laughing Canadian Catholic Priests burying their bodies in the Forbidden Forest. This is as far as I made it. I was that disgusted. Do not buy this trash game. -1000/10.”
My review from PlayingTransGames.com
It’s only been up a day but my critique is getting review-bombed by salty transphobes. See, this is why I have to play Hogwarts Legacy. We can’t let the mudchuds win, you guys. We can’t let them apparate Harry Potter! I’ll hate every moment of playing it for hours on end – but I’m just going to grit my teeth and take one for the team. I’m going to stream it on Twitch too so folx can make donations, half of which will go to the trans organization Mermaids, who I’m hoping will sponsor my stream.
Avada Kedavra, JK Rowling!
