5 Vaccine Side Effects That Are Totally Fake News

In the wake of the brilliant and thought-provoking Atlantic article by Emily Oster declaring a “Pandemic Amnesty,” I felt compelled to dust the crumbs off my keyboard and pay forward my humble and unbiased two cents on some of the issues alluded to in Oster’s stunning and brave article. Namely, misinformation surrounding COVID vaccines and how that can create vaccine hesitancy amongst the ill-informed, peasant-brained proles.

Graciously and very generously Oster offered an olive branch of forgiveness to those who were in the dark on the pandemic, but I am not so forgiving. The hordes of 5G-fearing, science-denying Flat Earthers and Trumpers have made our lives a living Hell for as long as I can remember; you don’t just forgive something like that. So where do we go from here?

Well, in the spirit of building bridges and mending fences I am making a concerted effort to start a journey towards forgiveness by lecturing the vaccine hesitant on their murderous, cult-like ignorance and by introducing them to the wonderful world of science.

In this scientific article I will explore five so-called vaccine “side effects” that are being peddled by conspiracy theorists to sow doubt and hesitancy in what is clearly a safe and effective jab.

5. Shingles

In other words, a rash for oldies. Look, it’s perfectly normal for folx in their fifties, sixties and seventies to experience breakouts of acne. I was a late-bloomer myself, and only recently sprouted my first pube at age 26. It’s perfectly natural and nothing to worry about. There are around 50,000 cases of shingles in the UK per year for those over 70, but thankfully that number may soon drop thanks to an 18% uptick in shingles vaccinations among that age group in 2022!!

4. Bell’s Palsy

This is just a temporary weakness or lack of movement affecting one side of the face that literally only lasts 9 months, if that. Just ask Justin Bieber! Compared to getting and definitely dying from COVID-19 this is nothing to worry about, and I should know, considering half my face has been frozen in a rictus-grin for about eight and a half months now (give or take a couple weeks…).

Wearing a Phantom of the Opera style mask over the paralyzed half of your face can mitigate any social embarrassment one might feel whilst out in public. In fact, I’m wearing one right now with a heckin’ cape draped round my shoulders whilst I hammer out this article in the dark of my study, bathed in the soothing glow of my computer screen.

3. Myocarditis

An extremely mild heart complication that is extremely common, especially in young childrxn. Two words: literal nothing-burger. It’s just a bit of mild inflammation of the heart tissue, like the kind you feel after a McDonalds Happy Meal.

It’s actually far more common to get myocarditis after catching COVID than it is after getting vaccinated. Sure, there’s a 1 in 5,000 chance for young males to develop myocarditis after vaccination but would you let your precious little ones take the chance with COVID? There’s a 0.00001 chance of them becoming seriously ill from this deadly plague.

The math is as clear as the science. So you really, really should get yourself, your children and your cat vaccinated to double or triple your chances of not getting it. After all, we all know the vaccines prevent you from getting the virus.

2. Blood Clots & Stroke

Suffering a stroke is a life changing event, like transitioning or losing your Blue Checkmark and privilege over the peasantry on Twitter because you can’t afford (or refuse to pay) the wildly extortionate $8 a month Elon’s extorting from you.

It’s no joke, but if you want a laugh just entertain the suggestion that the COVID vaccines are causing blood clots and strokes to happen. Ha!

Sure, the Astrazeneca and J&J shots may possibly, maybe, perhaps have been the cause of a small number of blood clots and strokes. But those were only pushed on people when we didn’t know any better. Remember friends, we’re calling a pandemic amnesty here! Look, I know about thirteen folx (many of whom are boosted LGBTQIAP+++ Democrats like myself) who have suffered strokes in the past year and none of them blame the vaccines. Case closed.

1. Death

We all die. This is a fact of life. Are you really so afraid of death that you’d refuse to take a life-saving injection?

Supposedly there has been a spike in excess unexplained deaths in the past two years, and needle-phobic conspiracy theorists are trying and failing to find a link between this spike and the so-called deadly spike protein, just because they both happened around the same time. This is just … sad. Quite frankly if that were happening we’d see mass graves, overwhelmed hospitals and it would at least be on the news. Remember, correlation is not causation, ever. If there is a spike, there are far more likely culprits behind it, like climate change, anti-Black racism or Putin.