It started innocently enough when Carl Simpson responded to an X DM from a cute Russian girl.
“She had a few more followers than me and some legit posts,” says the 51-year-old single father of three from his home in Green Bay, Wisconsin. “Her profile bio was: ‘Vivek for the win!’ Who could say no to a based babe?”
Throughout the Iowa caucus campaign things began to heat up between the two, and what started out as sharing some viral clips of Vivek lambasting the WAPO and NYT quickly escalated into some late-night shirtless Simpson pics.
Everything seemed great for the semi-retired sanitation worker—until it wasn’t. ‘Svetlana’ asked him for financial help to assist her ailing mother in Latvia. He was told that his new girl had a shit ton of crypto to pay him back, but Coinbase had blocked access to her account until she could provide a letter from the Latvian embassy (WTF—ed). That’s when Simpson wised up and logged off.
A few days later while chatting with friends on Reddit he was told that he’d fallen for a fake Artificial Intelligence chatbot. “I was embarrassed, heartbroken, and just plain down in the dumps.”
Simpson was lucky because he caught onto the scam before it drained him of his literal family jewels, but if you’re one of the chumpster incels sending money overseas to a non-existent ‘blonde bombshell’ you might actually just be being strung along by a string of code.
Here’s how GWU! can defrag your love life and find out if your girlfriend is an AI bot:
6. She types faster than ChatGPT
If her fingers can make The quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog faster than you can say QWERTY, she might be an AI bot.
5. Her selfies are too pixel-perfect
The only photo you have of her looks like it was taken by a professional photographer in a sleazy European hotel indicating she’s more pixels than person.
4. Whenever you want to get intimate online she complains of having a “404 Error” headache
Sorry to crash your system, but if when you ask your online babe to shift your joystick and her idea of dirty talk is Ctrl+Alt+Delete, she’s a bot!
3. Her idea of a romantic date is streaming algorithms together
Whenever she wants to watch a romantic movie on a pirate streaming site with you it always ends up being a doomer film on ‘The Singularity’. Talk about sentient insensitive.
2. Her version of “Meet the Parents” involves debugging your family tree
If she’s more interested in your family’s credit card numbers than attending in person Sunday dinner, she’s not real.
1. Uhhh, dude. She’s actually a Nigerian dude
If ‘her’ request for money to bribe corrupt officials for treasure she wants to split with you sounds like an updated 419 scam, that’s because it is. It turns out your European princess is actually a Nigerian Prince.
