With the news of the historic Anne of Green Gables tourist site in Prince Edward Island, Canada, going woke to satisfy the demands of DEI, GWU! wonders if the books could be in for a politically correct revision.
Read along as GWU! Wokesperts™ pitch woke rewrites of the LM Montgomery classics for our new publishing imprint, Media Monkey Ink! The potential changes are sure to both enrage long time fans of the classic children’s book series and satisfy the current day diversity dictats.
Anne of Green GAYbels
A precocious young orphan girl, Anne Shirley, is mistakenly adopted by an elderly gay farmer and his lesbian sister in small town Avonlea, Prince Edward Island. The odd couple, Mathew and Martha, run a Soy/ Wind Turbine farm and had wanted a trans child to help them virtue signal. At first they/them complain to the male presenting adoption manager in hopes of a gender reversal. At school, Anne is bullied by her gay Blasian classmate, Gilbert, for being straight and white, while on the farm Anne bristles against her parents faith in plant based protein and renewable energy. The red headed and stubbornly normal 11-year-old struggles to fit in with the rainbow flag waving locals, who are all gay. Is there really no place for hate in the homestead homo-town? Eventually Anne grows to love Avonlea and the residents of the sleepy woke town grow to love her, even if she’s not gay.
Anne of the Genderless Bathroom
Just when Anne thought she had figured out the wokest small town on Prince Edward Island, the precocious young girl becomes caught up in a public opinion showdown with the Avonlea town council over boys being allowed to use the girls’ swimming pool change room. Will Anne’s developing friendship with Blasian Gilbert (the boy who wants to watch her in the shower) transition into something more?
Anne of the Unmarked Graves
A snake oil salesman who arrives in Avonlea with a seemingly magical ground penetrating radar device claims that the entire town is built on top of a mass grave of murdered indigenous children. The guilt-huckster known as “Dancing with the Indigenous Industry” demands reparations from Green Gables forcing the residents of Avonlea to drain their bank accounts and sell their properties to cover their collective ‘Settler’ guilt.
The Great Green Gables Book Burning
Anne and her friends are curious about the “N word” in some of their school books such as Huckleberry Finn, Of Mice and Men, and Heart of Darkness. When Anne, Diana and Blasian Gilbert inquire about the word they’re told that only the stable boy is allowed to use it, unless he gives them permission. Feeling it’s unfair that only some people can use words and others can’t, the students demand a change in policy. The town decides the simplest and most equitable solution would be to burn all the books.
Anne Stands with Palestine
After a mild but deadly pandemic, Anne goes off to college and joins the ‘right side of history’ in fighting against genocide. Holding one hand in a fist in the air with the other wrapped around a Starbucks frappuccino, Anne checks her lowercase ‘white’ privilege and finds the inner strength to be offended by basically everything. Meanwhile, back in Avonlea, a great replacement is underway for horses. The problematic farm animals have been canceled due to their high carbon footprint and are replaced with bi-sexualcycles. Can Anne’s parents, Mathew and Martha continue to run their Soy / Wind Turbine farm without animals as dictated by the WEF? They’ll have to check with ‘the experts’ to see if their livelihood is essential in the New World Order.
Internalized Racism Island
Now a student at Redmond University, Anne has largely come to appreciate her red hair, freckles and pale, thin frame. But when her new Gender Studies and Intersectional Feminism Professor Mx. Phillips challenges Anne to examine her own gender identity; she begins to question if she really is Anne with an ‘e’ or Adam with an apple. Anne finds solace in her new friendship with a group of Russians who identify as Japanese exchange students. They pretend to like her – just so they can get a selfie with ‘Red-haired Anne’.
Ragefarming in Avonlea
Now a licensed school teacher, Anne is faced with a difficult choice — to stay in Halifax and continue her studies at a prestigious university or take over the family farm from her elderly adopted parents. Choosing family over her university indoctrination, Anne moves back home. The wokeism she picked up in university quickly fades now that she’s paying the mortgage and taxes on the farm. To make ends meet Anne decides to convert the family business from a failing Organic Soy / Wind Turbine farm into a Ragebating farm, producing Conservative outrage, angry boomer beefs, and a hodgepodge of conspiracy theories that Anne knows are closer to the truth than she would like to admit.
