Getting Her 210 Pounds of Flesh
According to the tattling maid, AOC’s journey from House of Representatives hottie to congressional chubster began immediately after Trump’s landslide re-election victory that sent her straight to the pantry. “She was so mad Trump won again, she started stress-eating like she was going to be sent to the gulag at any moment,” Maria revealed. “I’d find empty bags of Takis hidden under her couch, Double-stuffed Oreo cookie crumbs in her desk drawer, and don’t even ask me about the ice cream. She’s got a whole freezer full of Ben & Jerry’s “Lefty Lemon.” I think she’s single-handedly keeping those chubby gringos in business.”
In her shocking exposé, Maria also reveals that AOC’s eating habits took a turn for the worse after repeated online taunts from Elon Musk. “Every time Elon criticized her on X, she’d send me out in her Tesla for another pizza,” Maria said. “I’m not kidding. I’ve witnessed her eat an entire pepperoni and mushroom in one sitting. And then she’d cry about climate change while using paper towels to wipe grease off her chin.”
But Maria insists she’s not judging—well, not too much. “Honey, I feel bad for her,” Maria, who was born and raised in New Jersey, told AOC she was an Undocumented Immigrant from Honduras to get the job. “She’s under a lot of pressure. But honestly, if she spent half as much time at the gym as she does on Instagram and ordering dessert from Krispy Kreme, she’d be in way better shape.”
The Squad Sans Squats
In hopes of shrinking her expanding waistline, Maria says AOC, 35, has tried—and failed—every fad diet under the sun. “She did keto for, like, a week,” Maria revealed. “But then she found out you can’t eat carbs, and she had a full-on meltdown. I caught her crying in the kitchen at 2 AM, eating a loaf of bread straight out of the bag. Tragic.”
Maria also claims AOC briefly tried veganism but gave up after realizing the diet did not include meat. “She lasted three hours,” Maria said. “Then she ordered two double beef cheeseburgers and a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich. And don’t even get me started on her ‘intermittent fasting’ phase. She’d go without food for a few hours, then binge on Chick-fil-A at midnight. It was a disaster.”
Despite her struggles, Maria says AOC refuses to give up on her quest for the perfect political body. “She’s always blasting about some new trend on TikTok,” Maria said. “But let’s be real—she’s not fooling anyone. You can’t outrun an Uber Eats delivery guy, no matter how many hashtags you use.”
Calling Out ICE Cream
Perhaps the most shocking revelation from Maria is the extent to which AOC’s emotional eating has spiraled out of control. According to Maria, the congresswoman often appears tearful and impassioned on social media, but it’s just a cover for her late-night binges.
“She’ll be posting Facebook Reels crying about income inequality or kids in cages or whatever, and as soon as she’s done, she’s back in the kitchen, eating a cheesecake,” Maria revealed. “I’m not exaggerating. I’ve seen her do it. She’ll be sobbing one minute, then shoving frosting in her face the next. It’s like watching a sad, sad telenovela, but with more cheese.”
Maria also claims that AOC’s emotional outbursts are completely staged for her iPhone 16 camera. “She’s not as compassionate as she pretends to be,” Maria said. “She’s just really good at faking it. But you can’t fake the weight gain, baby. That’s 100% real, unlike climate change.”
Despite her harsh words, Maria insists she’s trying to help AOC. “I’ve told her a million times, ‘Mija, you need to take care of yourself,’” she sighs. “But she just won’t listen. She’s too busy pretending to be this perfect, down-to-earth girl from the Bronx. Meanwhile, she’s wearing $5,000 dresses and crying into a bowl of chocolate fondue.”
The housemaid hottie tells GWU! that none of AOC’s supposed political allies have helped the situation. “She tried to get a yoga group going with The Squad but those girls haven’t touched their toes since the Obama administration. And her hero Bernie Sanders? Have you looked at that guy? That commie has more chins than the Beijing phone book.” She continued that AOC’s fiancé Riley Roberts is also no help. “Instead of being a real man and defending his woman he hides behind her massive socialist ideas and ample bootie. When the rumor was going around that she was gaining weight because she was pregnant people laughed and joked that maybe he was!”
AOC’s Weighty Woes
While Maria’s revelations may be shocking, they also paint a sympathetic portrait of a woman struggling under the weight of her own ambitions—and her love of junk food. “I don’t hate her,” Maria said. “I just wish she’d be honest with herself—and with the American people. You can’t save the planet if you can’t even save yourself from drowning in a jumbo jug of Mountain Dew topped with Cool Whip.”
AOC has yet to respond to Maria’s weighty claims. But one thing’s for certain: this verbal diarrhea is bound to leave a bad taste in her mouth.
