Letter to the Editor
Dear Karen and Kevin
I am absolutely furious. Donald Trump has deported my boyfriend, Juan, back to Honduras, and I am beside myself with rage. Yes, Juan had dabbled with known gang members, but after Trump got elected my beau promised to go on the straight and narrow. He had a heart of gold under all those gold chains and tattoos and had promised to leave his life of crime behind (eventually).
Now, thanks to Trump’s draconian immigration policies, Juan is back in Honduras, and I’m stuck here alone, binge-watching Narcos and crying into my avocado toast. How could Trump do this to us? Juan was just starting to turn his life around—and what happened to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness? Now, it just feels like the Pursuit of Hondurans.
What can I do to get my illegal boyfriend back into the USA?
Deportation Drama in Denver
¡Hola, Señora DD!
Ah, the age-old tale of love, crime, and deportation. While I sympathize with your plight, I must admit that I’m torn. On one hand, my wife Karen and I are certainly no fans of Trump’s heavy-handed approach to immigration! On the other hand, your boyfriend was a known gang member. I mean, come on, DD, even I know that’s not exactly “boyfriend of the year” material. It’s not like he was just shoplifting, which is basically a part-time side hustle for most Hondurans.
That said, I do think Trump’s policies lack nuance. Karen says that’s because he’s just an angry, racist Cheeto dipped in Tesla plastic. I mean, not every gang member is a hardened criminal. Statistics tell us that most are just misunderstood individuals who made a few small bad choices—like selling illegal substances or robbing banks. Perhaps Juan could have been rehabilitated with the right government-subsidized USAID program that would have allowed him to roam free and make his own decisions on breaking the law on a case-by-case basis.
My advice? Write Juan a heartfelt poem. Although she never reads them, I know Karen appreciates the ones I write to her. Maybe suggest he consider a career change when he can smuggle himself back stateside. Let’s face it, Honduras has enough avocado farmers.
— Kevin
Hello DD,
I am absolutely livid on your behalf. How dare that Big Mac-eating, Fox News-watching, fake tan conman deport your boyfriend! Who does he think he is, enforcing laws and protecting hardworking Americans from illegal migrants? The audacity!
Sure, Juan may have been a gang member, but he was ‘your’ gang member. That makes him family. Although I don’t believe in the traditional (and strangling) heteronormative concept of ‘family’ I do recognize that family sticks together, even if that family occasionally engages in illegal activities, like the Bidens. Trump’s actions on this and also everything else he does are nothing short of fascism, and I won’t stand for it.
How about this, Adolf Trump … instead of sending Juan back to Honduras, how about you go there instead? And not to an all-inclusive resort like the one I took Kevin and my boyfriend to in 2023, the ‘real Honduras’. Let him see what it’s like to live in a country he’s so eager to deport people to. Maybe he’ll learn some empathy—or at least how to make a decent baleada without Mac sauce.
Until then, stay strong, DD. Juan may be gone, but your relationship can endure … if you find another Honduran hunk to take his place and call him Juan (which will probably be his name anyway).
— Karen
