Confessions of a Crypto Rug Puller: $TRUMP Coin Exposed!!!

It’s 2:00 a.m. and I’m in a ballroom in Las Vegas’ beautiful The Venetian for a Bitcoin 2025 VIP event. Some of the world’s biggest meme crypto trading rug pullers on the planet are here. DJ Fuego, an illegal migrant from Venezuela, is dropping phat beats, as we wait for the newest meme king of the crypto world, President Donald Trump and his political beard, JD Vance, to grace us with their presence. 

“Johnny, I think dat’s dem,” my crypto bro Louis slurs at me as he wobbles closer. His unsteady gait is supported with one hand wrapped around a shot of reposado and the other around the waist of a beautiful crypto groupie named Ophelia. Classic Louis!

I look over to see a plume of orange hair floating angelically behind DJ Fuego. All the Crypto Bros. begin to cheer. Even I—star undercover reporter Johnny Jock—feel a wave of hope as the founder of the meme coin $TRUMP does his famous shuffle dance and slides to the podium. “You’re beautiful bros,” he intones cartoonishly. “Crypto bros. That’s what they call them, and they are. I love these guys!” He turns to look at JD Vance. “Don’t I always say how much I love these guys?” We all cheer. “Duh, you sure do, boss,” Vance responded, sounding more like Yogi Bear than a Yale graduate. Louis slaps me on the back and pinches Ophelia’s behind. “We did it!” 

$TRUMP and Dump

Posing as the son of a Nigerian Prince, it wasn’t hard for me to infiltrate the crypto community. This typically tight-knit group, who have a massive mistrust of central banking, bureaucratic governments, and mainstream media, meant that I had to do most of my research on Reddit subs and chat groups on apps like CoinMarketCap. 

That’s where I met Louis in January. He’d started a chat around Trump’s new coin and said he was going all in. (Later, I’d learn that Louis was one of the first to pump and dump DOGE during that rug-pull night when Elon Musk hosted SNL.) With limited knowledge of the crypto world, I still knew Louis was a savvy investor. I DM’d him and admitted that I was also looking into becoming a $TRUMP Whale. 

Of course, up until then, I had no idea how to buy crypto. I wrote it off as a Ponzi scheme. Hype and rug pulls. Crypto was a scam with big-time billionaires like Elon Musk and that left-wing nutjob from Shark Tank. I mean, that’s what 60 Minutes reported.

💎🙌 Diamond Hands

When I revealed to Louis’ WhatsApp group chat a few months in that I had made a significant investment in the $TRUMP coin, I was immediately invited to their exclusive Signal group where the stakes were much, much higher. I spent most of the winter learning about Crypto charts, speculation, and how to create X spam marketing content. When I asked once, “What’s the point of crypto?” I was met with a series of laughing skull and crossbones emojis, which I took as them thinking I was a hilarious guy. In fact, they coined me, no pun intended, Prince Ponzi. 

As part of my research, I borrowed a book from the Miami District Library by that dude who used to be on the OC about it being all a big scam. When I asked what Louis thought about the book. He told me Ben McKenzie had penned the greatest work of fiction since The Great Gatsby. I’m not sure Louis can read. 

After a few weeks, the $TRUMP Signal group started to invite me out IRL (That means In Real Life, apparently—ed). The difference between a Tech Bro and a Crypto Bro is that the latter has style. There are no hoodies in the crypto world. Nerds like Zuckerberg get sent for makeovers and full-body ideology perms. Look, I’m not really the son of a Nigerian Prince. I’m just an average investigative journalist living in a one-bedroom in Fort Lauderdale. But to keep up appearances and my cover, I had to increase my budget. I purchased designer Italian clothes, leased a 911 Porsche, and bought a pretty good fake Rolex on Temu. At the nightclubs, I’d sip suggestively named drinks like ‘Bottoms Up Blonde’, ‘Russian Pussycat’ and ‘Hoes on the Beach’, while the Crypto bros guzzled Mexican champagne and Mongolian caviar. 

The problem with my weakening blockchain of lies was that I couldn’t keep up. My investigation into the scam had forced me to scam everyone I knew. Try as I might, I just couldn’t keep up: wild AYCE sushi weekends in Hong Kong, mushroom-clouded ski trips to Switzerland, and oddly dull trout fishing in Alaska hosted by Joe Rogan. Then, just when I was ready to call it in Louis’ gifted me 10 million $TRUMP coins. He’d just dumped another shit coin and needed a place to launder his winnings. 

Wen Lambo

Look, as an investigative reporter, I joined a Gaza university encampment, posed as an international student at a donut shop in Canada, and lit it up with Matchbox 2030 arsonists during the LA fires. I even got my left nut removed at England’s House of Horrors, Tavistock, all in the name of honest journalism. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for being part of a global rug pull with Donald J. Trump at the helm.

With my millions of coins, my next action was to promote the hell out of the crypto and watch it hit an all-time high. As soon as that happened, Louis and I would pull out of the crypto world for good. This was going to be a bigger con than ‘stable coin’ and I knew it. We sat in the back of a gay bar in Key West, as the coin began to rise like a morning erection. “Hodl,” I smirked at Louis. “Wen Lambo, my crypto bro,” he said. We figured nobody would suspect a couple of “straight” guys in a gay bar of plundering the global crypto economy. I was in big-time debt and needed a way out. We knew the coin was garbage, Trump knew it was garbage, but with every minute that more and more people put their hard-earned cash into $TRUMP, I could see my life changing. Then the moment hit, Louis clenched my thigh saying:

“Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the unlimited carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series – they don’t know what pressure is. In Coinbase, it’s either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One moment you’re up half a mil in SHIB and the next, boom, your kids don’t go to college and they’ve repossessed your Tesla. Are you with me?

I could feel my only testicle shift, as Louis said, “let’s do it.” I looked long and hard into his steel-blue eyes. “We got this,” I said softly. Then I hit the sell button. 

Now, here we are on Louis’ brand-new private island. I’m relaxing on the beach with Ophelia’s sister next to me. I hear from across the crisp, clear water, “Looking good, Johnny!” I smile, lift my drink in the air and call back, “Feeling good, Louis.”