I don’t like this Current Thing, can we go back to Ukraine or COVID, please? With those things it was easy to pick a side! I’ve never seen a divisive subject be so divisive! Sadly, my leftist allies are eating one another over this Israel Palestine war. It is disheartening when what we should be focusing all our attention and energy on is the far-right conspiracy theorists who probably orchestrated this whole thing just to distract us from our important battle for genderless washrooms! Everyone knows it’s a massive psy-op by the election-denying right to steal the next election! Naturally, everyone’s looking to me for the answers, but the mainstream media hasn’t told me what they are yet! My silence is deafening!
A Friend of Israel? That Could be Haram!
The worst part of this whole thing by far is the effect it’s had on my friend group. My comrades are at each other’s throats, and I’m caught in the middle of it all. Our Discord server has become an absolute toxic hellscape; our once pleasant and Utopian safe-space dedicated to hatching eggs and laughing at dead anti-vaxxers is now filled with pictures of mutilated babies and folx laughing at those who have died on either side of the war.
Moonbeam and Yiffer have sided with Hamas, whilst Tarquin and Osbourne-Spencer Maxwell-Silverspoon III are staunchly pro-Israel. I have yet to add a flag to my Twitter bio or handle, and I think they’re starting to notice. I’m tempted to put both flags in my bio. I just can’t decide! It really hurts because I’m being left out of all the fun activities and marches they’re going on. Moonbeam and Yiffer went paragliding the other day, and Tarquin and Osbourne-Spencer Maxwell-Silverspoon III spent the whole weekend making eco-friendly, rainbow coloured yamakas for everyone to wear!
I can see both sides of the argument, and for the first time, like, ever, that scares the frack out of me.
Is it Even Possible to Have Too Many Friendship Bracelets?
Life is so much easier when everything is a black and white issue. I’m leaning towards Israel as I don’t want to appear anti-Semitic, and a lot of celebrities and other important folx on Twitter have also backed that side, but then again do I really want to be on the same side as far-right chuds like Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro and Avi Yemini?!? Ew. No thanks.
Then there’s Hamas. They’re decolonizers, which is good. They’re also brown, which is another big plus. BLM’s in their corner, too! Also, I don’t want to appear Islamophobic. A lot of my neighbors are Muslim, so it would probably be a good idea to very publicly and very loudly show my support for them in their hour of need. A simple flag in the window should do it. It’s not that I’m scared or anything about what might happen to me if I don’t, of course. I’m just being neighborly, that’s all. Also, Taquin told me that a lot of what’s coming out about Hamas and their brutal war-crimes is just dangerous misinformation spread by Russian bots, which is far worse than any of the things Hamas are alleged to have done.
Things got really heated on our weekly group Zoom call last night. Everyone was calling each other a Nazi and accusing the other side of being brainwashed or ignorant. I’m so heckin’ confused right now. Tarquin and Osbourne-Spencer began spinning their dreidel dildos and waving their fabulous multi-colored kippahs about whilst crying “oy vey” over and over again until Moonbeam and Yiffer left the call, declaring it “absolutely haram”.
Friends Don’t Let Friends Celebrate War Crimes, Except, Sometimes
One thing I do know is that I must pick a side. Saying “war is bad” or “both sides are evil” is simply not good enough, and there are far too many alt-right Nazis that have been preaching from that particular choir since the war in Ukraine started. That’s the cowardly, centralist stance to take, and I will not have it. You’re either good or evil, left or right. I just haven’t figured out which side is which in this particular case yet.
My nip-scars are tingling with so much virtue right now and I have no way to signal it. I need a release! I feel like Emperor Xelensky (No Fly Zone Be Upon Him); once the belle of the ball, now the ugly girl at the party that no one wants to dance with. We’ve been tossed aside and forgotten about. I’ve taken too damn long to pick a damn side. After all, war is no time for logic, caution and nuance.
