Trump’s Qmmunity Riots Over Peaceful FBI Raid

No one is above the law. That’s the key thing to remember here when we discuss the stunning and brave FBI raid on Trump’s Florida fortress MAGA-lago. Caligula’s cheeto colored cousin has spent his whole sordid life escaping justice for his various crimes against democracy and peoplekind. Well, on August 8th, 2022 the chickens finally came home to roost.

As alt-right trolls, Russian bots and Republicunts blather on and on about Hunter’s nothing-burger of a laptop and the Epstein list (honestly, who cares?), those of us who aren’t Nazis have been quietly working towards finally bringing the Orange Satan down for orchestrating the greatest terrorist attack that has ever happened on American soil: The Jan 6th Capital Riots. Just typing that date sends a shiver down my crooked spine, and I can only apologize to those of you reading this who might now be experiencing Ottawa Truckers Occupation style PTSD flashbacks to that dark, dark day.

So it came as quite the relief and raging hard-on when I heard the news that the infallible, morally pure and supremely heroic FBI had raided Trump’s evil lair. One can only imagine the heroism of the government agents who scaled the spiked walls of his towering fortress, and bravely rooted through the angled fur-skin jungle of Melania’s vile wardrobe, Don Jr’s bottles and bottles of Just For Men, and Eric’s treasured collection of participation ribbons. Venturing deeper and deeper into Trump’s byzantine web of lies, Americas heroes  prayed to their nonreligious but totally female Goddess to slay the plump dragon coiled defensively around his jewel studded safe stuffed full of private documents and state secrets, armed with nothing but a warrant and the courage swelling their boosted hearts.

It’s still early days but I imagine the literal and figurative skeletons uncovered at the scene will be more than enough to earn the Former President (not mine) a sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole, if not the full on death penalty. It’s still not enough, though. For many of us in the LGBTQIAP+++ community the damage and hurt caused by this wicked man will be felt until the end of our lives. The reparations can’t come quick enough.

Maga Meltdown by the Qmmunity

My chud brother Kyle has spent the past few days sobbing into his MAGA cap and furiously chatting online with his fellow Trumpers. The Qmmunity is in uproar. Conspiracy theorists claim the FBI will plant evidence at Trump’s home in an effort to stop him from running for President in 2024. This is utterly preposterous and baloney of the highest order.

Kyle and his Qronies believe that Judge Bruce Reinhart, the stunning and brave hero who approved the warrant to search Trump’s dungeon, is compromised due to his connections with President Obama and ties to the Jeffrey Epstein case. Impartial, unbiased and nonpartisan Fact Checkers from facebook have been quick to silence any of these salacious, baseless claims. Where would we be without them to help us navigate the suffocating Quagmire of misinformation currently plaguing social media? I shudder to think of the dystopian, fascistic world that would be.

The ridiculous idea that Democrats or President Biden orchestrated the raid was further quashed when White House Press Secretary and heckin’ Queen Karine Jean-Pierre (who is doing an amazing job, by the way) made it clear that President Biden was totally unaware of the FBI’s plan to search the former President’s mansion. This can only be seen as a good thing.

You’re Fired!

At the time of the mostly peaceful siege on Trump’s castle, the former Dictator was quivering in his Ivory tower in New York, no doubt scribbling out a suicide note or attempting to contact the vaccuum repairman from Breaking Bad to forge him a new identity. Don’t be surprised if in a month’s time Trump  turns up in Argentina under a false name and wearing a fake mustache.

I haven’t been able to stop grinning since the news broke, and I eagerly anticipate a sequel to the raid, perhaps this time on Florida governor DeSatan’s home. Evidence of him fiddling with the COVID-19 statistics would give probable cause to the FBI to begin dragging the Everglades and start inspecting alligator feces for remains of the immunocompromised Grandmas he had chopped up and dumped there after they died from COVID-19.

If nothing comes of the raid it will only be due to the FBI being in Trump’s pocket, but until that happens I will aggressively defend the FBI and fully expect a mountain of evidence pointing to Trump’s collusion with Jan 6th to come to light. This is not to say I have abandoned my staunch ACAB position, however. Strictly speaking the FBI are not cops but just the government’s domestic law enforcement agency, and any calls to have the FBI defunded or outright stripped of their power are incredibly dangerous threats to our democracy.