As Bad Boy Will Smith gets ready for year 1 of his 10 year Academy Awards ban, can the Oscars deliver to millions the quality programming of rich and famous people beating the hell out of one another?
Will Smith may have drummed up ratings last year for the awards show that typically spends three hours featuring Hollywood stars talking about how great Hollywood stars are… and climate change. But this year Oscar has a lot to live up to, as millions will be tuning in to see another GI Jane 2 joke. (Keep my wife’s name out your effing mouth—ed). Needless to say, with an official Oscar ‘Crisis Response Team’ (CRT) in place to deal with any problematically dramatic scenarios, our Media Monkey is ready to predict the winners and losers of the Academy awards sideshows. And the Oscar goes to…
Jimmy Kimmel
The CRT debated for literally minutes: red wire or blue wire, as they tried to figure out how to defuse Kimmel’s joke bombs without injuring anyone in the front row. “If he goes off we will have his former co-host of the Man Show, Adam Carolla, ready to trampoline into action with a bevy of bouncing blondes to cause a distraction,” says Betty from the CRT Equity Comms Unit.
Sarah Polley
Canada’s sweetheart is long overdue to win a golden baldy, but who knows with the Biden administration and Hollywood liberals doing what they do best, faking the outcome of votes. There is a degrassi high probability that Polley will be passed over for Hollywood’s latest trans It Girl/Guy. After all, if Hershey’s can shove its chocolate peanuts up women’s rights, we’re pretty sure Hollywood isn’t too far behind. “No one wants to see a man, I mean a woman, beat Sarah Polley,” adds Betty.
Steven Spielberg
The Great White Turd as he’s known by Jaws fans will be casting for an award with his fictional biopic The Fabelman’s; however, the CRT plans to have all their oars in the water if he tries to drown the Indiana Jones franchise in the female depths of Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s modern feminism. “This has nothing to do with the Oscar broadcast per say,” says the CRT Diversity and Inclusion Officer, Steve. “The team just doesn’t want a chick cracking Indi’s whip.”
Lady Gaga
Wearing rancid raw meat and a dress cut too low and 10 years too late, Gaga may have to be rushed off stage by the CRT, as the Hollywood vegans may swarm her like Bradley Cooper during a cringey duet. “Wait, is vegan still a thing? asks CRT resident Boomer Doug, from New Jersey. “Who can keep up with Hollywood diets these days? Amirite? One thing is for sure they won’t be fed crickets, yet”
George Clooney
The CRT fears that in a vax induced moment of madness bleeding heart Liberal George Clooney may self-direct himself in his most virtue signaling performance yet, by attacking ‘anti-vaxxer’ Evangeline Lilly with a rusty needle. The plan of action for the scenario will be to cut to reaction shots of his lipstick wearing pet pig in the audience. “A pig in lipstick always works in Hollywood,” proffers CRT’s Doug. “I mean, Meryl Streep is still working, amirite?”
Angela Bassett
A win by the woke Black Panther star is sure to impress Issa Rae who only cheers for Black people in a non-racist totally sane way. But if Angela doesn’t win, well, we all saw what happened after George Floyd lost his best performance nod for Portrayal of an Innocent Black man. The CRT has plans that involve ‘grabbing their white guilt and running really, really fast’ should that happen.
James Cameron
He was once King of the world, but with the changing political landscape he’s turned his toxic masculinity into vapid self promotion. Is the CRT ready to deal with Queen Jane Cameron and her Double H cybernetic breasts? “Thanks to AI computing we are ready for this eventuality, brags CRT’s Betty “Motorbikes and semi trucks are on standby for an old fashion Hollywood chase scene. Woke with me if you want to live. Get it? That was a pun. I have a spec script I’d love you to read.”
Jamie Lee Curtis
The Queen of the Halloween franchise (yeah, her and her breasts have appeared in all of them) reinvented herself for this role by method acting as a serial killer. A recent bizarre photo leak from the actress’s home office featured a framed painting of a murdered naked child inside what seemed to be either a garbage bin or suitcase. The CRT says the minute Curtis gets up to any ‘weird shit’ Doug says they have a drunk teenage boy in the audience ready to rip off her top causing the usual enthusiastic Hollywood reaction. “Sure, it’s gross but the industry loves these old tits!”
Zoe Saldaña
After having felt trapped after 10 years of playing third banana roles in Marvel and Star Trek films Saldaña says she’s ready to ‘decolonise’ Oscar by dedicating her award to a remote Indigenous tribe deep in Alaska who have never even heard of her. Like 90% of other people in America.
Tom Cruise
A Top Gun at following the Science… err, I mean following the Scientology, Tom Cruise may launch one of his now famous expletive laden rants if he catches anyone during the broadcast breaking COVID-19 protocols. The CRT has accepted their mission and prepared for the eventuality by making sure all the unscientific rules such as masking, distancing and testing from last year’s Oscars are all in place for this year’s. WARNING: THESE OSCARS WILL SELF-DESTRUCT.
