It’s no state secret that there may be multiple clones of President Joe Biden (at Sleepy Joe’s age he needs all the help he can get—ed). While these lab grown meat puppets may share his likeness, they each come with their own unique quirks, personalities, and defects. Thanks to our skilled Wokespert™ researchers, we’ll help you identify if it’s the real Joe Biden (didn’t he die of COVID three years ago—ed) or a carefully crafted product Made in Taiwan.
GWU! Presents Our Weird Science Guide to Biden’s clones.
1. The Aviator Clone-In-Chief
A good way to tell Joe Biden’s clones apart is by analyzing their aviator sunglasses. According to our research, each clone has their own unique style. One might sport classic Aviators, while another might be in oversized grandpa glasses. One clone might even accidentally grab reading glasses instead, leading to hilarity when signing bills into laws (most of Biden’s laws are jokes, to be fair—ed) You should also check the ears that hold up the whole facade of the presidency. The bigger they are, the more fake the democracy. The boss level Aviator clone will of course be the one with the darkest glasses that cause him to fall down the stairs of AirForce 1. It’s a plane spectacle!!!
2. Hairy Corn Pops in a Pool Clone
Each clone has their own version of getting into a gang fight with a Black thug named Corn Pop and a little Black kid touching their leg hair. The only common thread in any of the wildly different versions the various clones tell is that the weirdness happened in a pool. CLONE MANUFACTURER WARNING: DO NOT SUBMERGE YOUR CLONE IN WATER. THEY WILL MULTIPLY. DIDN’T YOU SEE GREMLINS?
3. 31 Flavors of Crazy Clone
This infantile clone loves ice cream as much as another clone loves infants. This dairy loving dummy with a permanent brain freeze lives for the sweet snow (I guess it runs in the family—ed). From Gaza Chocolate Chip to Rocky Election Road, this Biden clone could actually be the most dangerous of the bunch, as he’s easily controlled by Big Confectionary with promises of ice cream in exchange for being a good boy.
4. Executive Smell Order Clone
Only taken out of the lab for photo-ops where fragrant children might be around this clone has a nose (prosthetic) for trouble. It can’t go more than a few minutes without seeking out a child or random woman to pull into an awkward hug and then force his nose into their hair. “Uh, Mr. President. I don’t think you’ll find the answer to America’s gun violence in my daughter’s bangs.”
5. ASUFUTIMAEHAEHFUTBW Clone
This clone can easily be defined as America’s greatest hits tape that’s a copy of a copy of a copy. Like an over-dubbed tape there’s no masking the fact that this clone slows down, skips and is painful to listen to. Lacking soul like a typical greatest hits album, this clone was released waaaaaay after it had any new ideas or was worth listening to.
