According to the Fake News there were more than 74 million people who voted for Kamala Harris. With that inflated stat in mind, it’s likely that one or two of them will be celebrating the holidays with you. They’re easy to spot: dyed hair, facial piercings, fresh tears in their eyes, and carrying a used copy of the Ethical Slut. In order not to ruin your holidays and/or send them raging into a tantrum of triggered emotions, GWU! is proud to provide you with a MAGA guide to keeping the peace over the holidays with a Harris voter.
What to say when your liberal arts daughter brings home her illegal alien boyfriend?
No reason to call ICE just because your daughter brought Jose from Guatemala home for the holidays. Despite the fact that he drives a better car than you, lives in a government-funded suite on Madison Avenue in New York, gets a $2500/week allowance from Biden, and has better access to doctors than anyone else; you know that on January 21 he’ll be flying coach on a one-way ticket out of the good ol’ US of A. Buenas Noches, Señor!
When to announce that it’s pronounced ‘Merry Christmas’ and that ‘Happy Holidays’ has been canceled?
There may still be the odd mask wearing fully vaccinated relative who wishes you “Happy Holidays,” but just be strong and know that the vast majority of the country voted for 4 years of Merry Christmas. We love Santa, stockings, reindeer, and baby Jesus chill’n in his giant nativity scene on our lawn. Make sure to wear that ugly Christmas sweater like a proud patriot (we assume it has a picture of Harris-Walz on it—ed).
How to navigate through a ‘free Gaza’ conversation?
Everybody has that relative who shows up for Thanksgiving dinner wearing a Keffiyeh and a free Gaza T-shirt that they bought on Amazon. No need to remind them that Israel has done more for their privileged free life than the Arab states. Nor is there any reason to make them feel stupid because you know that they get all their info from controlled opposition websites like Wikipedia and YouTube. Just make sure to serve everything kosher and separate the meat from dairy. That’ll show them.
How to break the news to your Rachel Maddow look-alike cousin that Elon Musk is buying MSNBC?
We all know that Elon Musk memes are banned from Blue Sky so it’s unlikely that your liberal guest has heard the news that Elon may buy MSNBC and fire chief COVID conspiracy theorist correspondent Rachel Maddow. Added to that, InfoWars would definitely be hitting the prime time slot, with Alex “making the frogs gay” Jones hosting. Sorry, rotten Onion. You may be tempted to ruin dinner by sending that liberal into panic mode by sharing one of Elon’s epic tweets, but try to restrain yourself and just retweet to your own following of brave patriots. Winning!
How to explain to Aunt Sue and Uncle Sarah that there are only two genders?
Trump is president and gender reveal parties will now only include male and female. But it’s unlikely that the liberal arts college where Aunt Sue and Uncle Sarah have been teaching for the past 15 years got the memo. Aunt Sue may try to bamboozle you with her 150 genders slam poetry piece, which she recently submitted to the New Yorker, but simply remind her and your other gender confused relative that as of Jan. 20, 2025 there will be no more pronouns in their or anyone else’s bio. And hopefully, no more New Yorker.
Why you should demand football over The View!
NFL and turkey go together like reading on-air apologies and The View. Although your leftist sister-in-law may be suffering from Whoopie withdrawal during the holidays—since the show has been banned in every patriot’s home—give her the option to watch the Lions against da Bears. We’re certain that even your Harris supporting, mask wearing, vegan, Karen will put aside her loony left differences to enjoy some pigskin. Even though she banned you and your family the last three Thanksgiving and Christmas’ for not being vaccinated take the high road and tell her how delicious her bird is rather than flipping it off to her.
What to say to your son who dropped out of med school to volunteer for the Harris-Walz campaign?
It’s true that there weren’t many of them, but if your pre-med son was one of the brainwashed few soy boys who joined the Harris dumpster fire campaign then it will be harder to swallow than an overcooked turkey. Just remember that your dingaling son is young and young people make mistakes, but mistakes can be fixed. Perhaps, like the mistakes we’re going to fix after a senile and demented Biden made after stealing the election in 2020. Buenas Noches, Jose!
How to tell your brother’s wife’s boyfriend that Trump’s new cabinet will ROCK!
No, RFK jr. didn’t have a gun to his head when he sat down for a Trump specialty of McDoanld’s after the UFC fight. Bobby is a pragmatist at heart and while he may never expose who actually offed his dad and uncle he will have the needed leverage to expose the truth about the dangers of vaccines. Remember when the radical left was telling us about that? Ask your brother’s wife’s girlfriend.
How to reconcile that fact that the Indians were just as savage as the white guys?
There is no doubt that your niece’s high school American history class is a cesspool of misinformation with the goal of indoctrinating her into white settler guilt. But on Thanksgiving, there is hope. Gently explain the fact that Indians had slaves, stole, and fought and killed one another constantly. If stuffing the facts into her brain cavity doesn’t work it’s probably because our education system is designed to factory raise turkeys.
How to share that the new democracy will be as delicious as Grandma’s pecan pie?
Since Harris supporters believe so dearly in democracy, freedom and joy there’s no reason they can’t join you and 76 million other Americans who voted for Trump on Team America. At the end of the meal, remind them, in a conciliatory way, that democracy won and that the voter is never wrong. Welcome them to the table, because for the next four years they’re going to have to eat at it even if it leaves a bad taste in their mouth. Raise a glass for a sweet, sweet MAGA toast, you’ve just served them their just desserts.
