It’s Oscar time in LaLa land and this is all the action you need for motivation that will get you rolling on the greatest night that nobody will be watching in Hollyweird.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Heart Expands (“It’s not Myocarditis, Wheezy!”)
Mr. Vaccine will be hosting the ‘star studded’ event sponsored by Big Pharma and the Biden administration. If you miss the opening monologue, here’s the GWU! storyboard of Kimmel’s jokes:
Leo DiCaprio likes sleeping with younger women, Ryan Gosling is hot, Emma Stone is hotter, Meryl Streep is old, but still hot, Trump is old, Trump is a criminal, Never Trump, Don’t vote for Trump, Trump started Jan 6, Trump is racist and Trump will destroy democracy—and steal your swag from backstage.
Hollyweird’s Best at Being the Worst
Best Actor – Cillian Murphy
In they/them’s acceptance speech for Oppenheimer the non-binary actor will announce studio Universal’s planned sequel, Transenheimer: Dickbomb! The multi-talented and multi-gendered professional pretender will also thank the most important individual in his life, who encouraged him to follow his desire for fame and fortune, Satan.
Best Actress
No one will win this category as women no longer exist according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences new diversity and equity directions. The award will however be given posthumously to the feminist movement with Jane Fonda accepting on its deceased behalf.
Best Supporting Actor
Did you see Barbie or Oppenheimer? Me neither, but someone from one of those will win.
Best Supporting Actress
Guys, nobody. The very concept of a woman is an entirely cultural construct created by the patriarchy in order to keep half the population under male control. (Unless it’s a man in a dress, then he’s a woman—ed).
Best Director – Christopher Nolan
With a whopping 13 nominations Nolan is sure to cinch up a basket full of golden statuettes. The trophies are sure to come in handy for their meltdown value, when thanks to AI and shitty woke, intersectional film making, the 96-year-old film industry gets taken off of life support. (I’ll wait for it on VHS—ed)
Lifetime Achievement Award – Jeffrey Epstein/Dr. Bill Gates
In a surprise move the Academy will split the award for the first time ever between the convicted rapist and the depopulation expert, reasoning that both excelled in the realm of forcing people to insert small pricks into their bodies in exchange for work.
Hilarious and totally not scripted presenter banter will include:
America Ferrera will tease Ariana Grande over her ever shifting ethnicity. The playful flirtation will culminate in the first on air lesbian Latinxish kiss. Censors will not cut to commercial.
Oscar and BAFTA winner Sir Ben Kingsley will be attacked for wearing Brown Face 40 years ago in Gandhi by Social Justice Warrior, Bad Bunny.
Actress Zendaya and comedian Kate McKinnon will face off over who can maintain the same wooden facial expression for the longest, leading to the lengthiest run time of the Oscars telecast ever.
Best selling author and TERF, JK Rowling will break into a spontaneous musical number of ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ with he/him Elliot Page and for some inexplicable reason the entire cast of the new Muppets show in drag.
Michael Keaton will make fun of the Nicolas Cage Superman movie that was never made—while Cage will make fun of Keaton’s Batgirl movie that was made but was too terrible to release.
Bouncing onto the stage, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sydney Sweeney will compare their list of the best films for moviegoers to ogle their breasts. (I voted for Trading Places—ed).
Making his first post-pandemic appearance in public Howard Stern starts an on air vaccine debate with co-presenter Melissa McCarthy (So that’s how he got Autism!—ed)
Full time activist and part time actor Tim Robbins will use his 37 second platform to decry the persecution and genocide of Palestinians, while ignoring the hundreds of other genocides occuring around the world at the exact same moment. Co-presenter Ke Huy Quan (Short Round) will stand perfectly still, silently questioning his return to show business.
Following Robbins unhinged poorly acted tirade, Steven Spielberg will read his introduction dialogue for Best Special Effects in the Israeli-Palestinian War in the voice of an angry old Jew.
Crazy and rich Michelle Yeoh will impart ancient Chinese wisdom to the audience that being Asian is her superpower—along with being in every single film made this year.
The Academy Awards will take place on Sunday, March 10 at 7 p.m. ET / 4 p.m. PT, live from the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood on ABC. Alternatively, Wheel of Fortune and/or Jeopardy will also be airing in and winning the timeslot.
