Photos from a happy wedding that birthed a marriage made in heaven. Sadly though, the good times are long behind them since the nasty divorce, when Mrs. Dollar abandoned the gold standard back in the early 1970s.
Since then, Mr. Gold had his ups and downs, became reclusive, and fell behind on his alimony, but through it all managed to hold on to his core values and valuable alliances. Meanwhile, Mrs. Dollar lost her looks, started drinking heavily, burned through a string of unfulfilling hook-ups and spent years in an abusive relationship.
Unwanted and menopausal, it’s gotten to where she can’t even score with the Chinese or Russians, who consider her used goods. Now a basket case of low self-esteem hooked on anti-depressants, she drags everyone down with her as she spirals out of control.
What can be done to restore wellness and sanity? For Mrs. Dollar, it’s likely too late, and there will be no tearful reunions. But for the rest of us who came to depend on her day to day and paycheck to paycheck, there is now a solution to your rapidly deflating, dirty, old-fashioned currency: CBDC, the remedy for financial instability! Digital currency protects the value of your earnings by managing your spending choices remotely, via our new digital transaction control grid, featuring cutting edge technology to enforce absolute control of all financial transactions, for your safety and convenience.
Now, some of you with extreme bias may be thinking that our entire global financial system is all just a big charade, colossal ponzi scheme or organized international grift ring run by rich elitists, robbing Paul to pay Pedo Peter. But this is only because you lack the education and professional experience to understand how you’re being ignorant. With nations around the world lining up to ditch the dollar, dollarholders are in deep doo-doo. Central Bank Digital Currency offers the security of knowing that your government has your (green) back.
Next we’ll look at how you can make your fealty to this emerging technological behemoth work for you!
Buying and selling just became much easier with our new automated system! Authorized merchants and customers may buy and sell goods or services at will, in accordance with strictly-enforced carbon credit limitations and federal health and safety mandates. Credits will be tabulated to determine the necessity of your purchases. For instance, cardboard and colored marker purchases for LGBTQ rally signs will earn you a low carbon credit score, while contributions to questionable political causes or GoFundMe campaigns as well as purchases from Hobby Lobby and Chik-fil-A are likely to max you out quickly. Subdermal implants issued at processing time are likely to overheat in the event of repeated denied transactions, so if you have trouble making smart choices, be sure to keep some ice on hand.
Your money goes INTERACTIVE! in that banks can interact with it whenever needed, alter its value, determine its use and analyze the social and environmental impact of your attempted purchases. CBDC SPEEDPASS ID will get you through those long lines at White Castle fast.
SPEEDPASS code comes conveniently embedded in this bitchin’ complimentary (and obligatory) tattoo that will make all your cash-loyal holdout friends way jealous.
Earn special points every time you scan, and earn deep discounts on airline travel and at local environmentally-compliant restaurants and immigrant-friendly hotels!
You can get ahead of the game and earn bonus cash by getting on board with our policy goals. The more you comply, the more you earn – it is really that easy. Make your activism work for you. Enlist in our CHANGE CORPS. Every social initiative you can guilt a friend into adopting means bonus credits in your account. Attend approved public protests and get additional bonus credits. You CAN have the life you always dreamed of with CBDC. It all depends on your attitude! (Negative attitude appraisals will result in social credit point deductions of .3% compounded weekly).
Sometimes the spectrum of consumer choices you face can be overwhelming. It’s easy to feel that you’re living in a world of too many choices. CBDC is currency that can help you assert self-control over your lowly human urges through the miracle of centralized micromanagement. Whatever your lifestyle, there is a set of acceptable behavioral consumer parameters to suit you and a centralized oversight hub to regulate them all as we transition to a wholly needs-based economy. You say you’re concerned about the future? Shut up, you’re going to do just fine in the new economy, but you may just have to try a little harder. If you’re struggling, it’s probably because nobody around you wants to put up with your constant whining about “the system” anymore.
In the end, nothing good comes easy, right? Except your monthly stipend, food allotments, subsidized pharmaceuticals, mental health care, and alternative lifestyle tolerance retraining courses. So keep on reaching for the stars. You can catch up to that dangling carrot if you just pedal a little harder. Come on, Pelleton, work those glutes! You’re almost to the promised land of financial calm and stability!
Flip City Magazine is committed to delivering loads of laughs and outright irreverence, at the expense of the currently established hegemony. It shatters the shackles of censorship with the wittiest writing in the printosphere while delivering world-class comic art. In the tradition of MAD Magazine, their goal is simple: to reclaim and restore America’s sense of humor. Targeting woke culture while celebrating freedom of expression in the battle against the rise of a humorless age Flip City Magazine strives to make America laugh again.