As the avian flu outbreak devastates poultry populations, leaving supermarket shelves bare and egg prices skyrocketing, left-wing liberals are leading the charge in a plant-based revolution to replace the breakfast staple.
But not everyone is on board. “This is absolute insanity,” chirped one Big Egg lobbyist to America’s Number One Newstainment Source, GWU! “These people would rather eat mashed-up beans than support American farmers. It’s a war on breakfast, and it’s un-American!”
Egg-streme measures
The crisis has reached a boiling point, with chains like Costco and Trader Joe’s imposing strict poultry product purchase limits. “Due to ongoing issues with the supply of eggs, we are currently limiting purchases to one dozen per customer,” confirmed Trader Joe’s spokesperson Nakia Rohde. But for many on the left, even one dozen is too much. “I haven’t bought eggs in years,” boasted a vegan activist on TikTok, showcasing her homemade chickpea flour omelet. “This is the future of food!”
Scrambling for alternatives
Social media is ablaze with videos of shoppers scrambling for alternatives. “Tofu scramble is the new scrambled eggs!” proclaimed one influencer, while another raved about aquafaba, the liquid from canned chickpeas, as a “miracle ingredient” for baking. “Who needs eggs when you have flaxseed and organic chia?” asked a Brooklyn-based chef, whipping up a batch of vegan muffins. “These options are healthier, cheaper, and kinder to the planet.”
But conservatives aren’t buying it. “This is what happens when you let liberals run wild,” ranted a caller to Fox News on Sirius XM. “They’re out here eating bean water and calling it progress. Meanwhile, hardworking Americans just want a decent breakfast!” On Twitter, #EggGate trended as right-wing pundits mocked the plant-based movement. “First they came for our gas stoves, now they’re coming for our eggs,” tweeted one user. “What’s next—eating za bugs?”
Over-easy or over-the-top?
The poultry industry is reeling, with over 136 million hens lost to the H5N1 virus. But for left-wing liberals, the dirty bird crisis is an opportunity to push for change. “This is a wake-up call,” said one environmental advocate. “We can’t keep relying on systems that are so fragile and exploitative. It’s time to embrace plant-based living.”
As egg shortages continue, the divide between left and right grows deeper. Whether you’re a tofu-loving progressive or an egg-defending traditionalist, one thing is clear: the egg crisis is causing a serious crack in the clucking cultural war.
