Tuesday night began with excitement at the Madison, WI, sorority house. In fact, sororities across the country, including California, Texas, and even NYU were eagerly awaiting a Kamala Harris landslide victory.
“Democracy was on the line and we thought we had this,” says Tammy, a dejected junior at the University of Wisconsin-Madison who watched the election unfold on CNN. Through tears she sobs to GWU! “We were ready to shatter the glass ceiling!”
Hope turns to nope
Dems have been speaking about the so-called glass ceiling ever since Hillary Clinton missed shattering it in 2016. This year, with the help of Kamala Harris—an Indian, Jamaican, Irish woman—they thought they could finally watch it rain glass. It didn’t!
The sisters, along with a group of other sororities across the campus, had sat down with hope and joy on the couch to watch sexy Jack Tapper and DILF John King give them what they wanted to hear. But by ten o’clock the facts of the math at the bottom of the screen didn’t seem to care about their feelings.
“The mainstream media lied,” wept Tammy to GWU! “We were told that we would be running away with it. That Trump and his band of Nazi orangemen would lose.”
By midnight things only got worse for the young women with uteruses as Trumps electoral college vote count and popular vote rose. Despite the sound of Mariah Carey and Cardi B playing in the background at the official Kamala Harris’ headquarters, even the paid partiers were packing up. The realization of failure was setting in with no sign of the vice president who abandoned them, much like she abandoned the country for three and a half years.
White girls for Harris
At an MSNBC watch party at UCLA a gaggle of gal pals curled up, clutching their pillows and their pearls in horror as the night wore on and the path to victory for Obama’s fourth term became more and more unlikely. Their Harris-Walz party had dwindled to only a few deranged die-hards who thought Kamala could still pull off a win. But as North Carolina, Georgia, and finally Pennsylvania fell into the small hands of Donald J. Trump the party was over.
“The mood was awful, explained Javni, a third year communications major and first-time voter. “We were all like, crying and stuff. Like how could so many Americans be such dumb, racist, Christofashist, assholes? All this garbage hate is destroying our democracy!”
My boy is no friend
Still at UCLA, a party-goer who declined to give her name out of fear that a future employer might find out she was a Harris-Walz voter, shared her unhinged views. While she was upset with ‘middle America’ she said she was most disappointed in her boyfriend who had promised to vote Dem, but actually voted for Trump in the end. “What the hell? I told him that if he gets me pregnant I’m totally not getting rid of it. That oughta show his misogynist ass.”
Yet another donkey at a ‘Safe space for people of color party’ at the University of Texas at Austin couldn’t understand what was happening to her beloved candidate. “I mean, everybody who matters endorsed Kamala. Obama, Oprah, Diddy, I mean, uh, Jay-Z. Do voters think those people aren’t sincere and are, what, paid or something? Those Amish guys really messed things up for normal Americans.”
The last laugh
Yet another deranged debutant from a sorority pool party in Florida went on to explain that Kamala had done everything right, citing appearing on television’s SNL over the Joe Rogan podcast.
“She was so cute on SNL,” gushed Gay and Trans Literature Studies Major Ann who along with her ‘cis’ friends watched the election on CNN. “I knew in my heart that her 2-minute comedy skit appearance made up for barely doing any interviews and all her word salad policy announcements.”
Technically trumped by democracy
One of the few males at the Sunshine State party, Women’s Studies major Brent, was taking the 3rd presidential win of Donald Trump even harder.
A keffiyeh draped over his slumped shoulders and sporting a designer diamond sparkling Queers for Palestine T-shirt, Bradford spent the majority of the evening feverishly attempting to hack the web servers of the Louder With Crowder election coverage.
Bradford felt that the establishment media had let the country down in allowing Trump’s ‘campaign of hate and misinformation’ to be spread on extremist podcasts, websites, and right-wing social media platforms such as: “Elon Muskrat’s X.” The student went on to ask: “With all this talk about censorship, where was it when we needed it the most?”
Ultimately unsuccessful in his attempts to ‘turn off the Internet,’ Bradford gave up when MSNBC announced that Trump had won the state of Wisconsin and surpassed the needed electoral college votes to make him the winner of the election.
“Maybe my mom was right and I should have learned to code.”
