Van Horn, Texas (Allegedly) – Forget the sparkly wetsuits and teary-eyed ‘historic’ pronouncements, darlings, only America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! is counting down how the highly publicized Blue Origin “all-female spaceflight” was about as real as Katy Perry’s acting career!
Houston, We Have a Problem – with the Green Screen!!!
In fact, while the mainstream media was blasting off over this supposed “historic” event, a growing army of truth-seekers (and let’s be honest, everyone on TikTok—ed) were opening the capsule hatch on this charade: the Earth is flatter than Gayle King’s on-air delivery, space is a Hollywood CGI fantasy, and this whole “spaceflight” farce? It’s just another one of Jeff Bezos marketing scams!
It’s true! The only place this flight of fancy rocketed off to was the backlot of a Hollywood soundstage!
Remember all those touchy-feely quotes about “love” and “inspiration”? Turns out, the only thing these lying ladies were truly inspired by was a hefty paycheck and the promise of some seriously flattering zero-gravity hair (I thought hairspray was illegal?—ed).
Spaceage Dreams
Aging out pop princess Katy Perry, clutching a daisy like it held the secrets of the universe, gushed about feeling “super connected to love” and this whole thing being “for the benefit of Earth.”
Honey, the only benefit to Earth would be if big-mouthed celebrities stopped polluting it with their $150,000 dollar 11-minute joyrides in oversized tin cans that didn’t even leave the atmosphere! As for “making space for future women,” maybe start by paying your backup dancers a living wage, Kath!
Spaced Out Galaxy Gayle
Truth-bomb dropper, Gayle King, who bravely confessed her fear of “flying” (as if this glorified carnival ride even counts!), waxed lyrical about how “quiet and peaceful” it was “up there” and how it made her think we need to “be better human beings.” We agree, Gayle! Maybe start by questioning the narrative instead of just reading the teleprompter! And “oddly quiet”? Maybe that’s just because you were still within earshot of the craft services table!
Gayles BFF (and totally not her lover—ed) Oprah Winfrey said of her girlfriend’s fear of flying that the spaceflight would be “cathartic” for King.
“I think life is about continuing to grow into the best of yourself,” Winfrey said of the marketing stunt she intends to monetize as her new favourite thing—as soon as she can figure out a space travel scheme she can dupe her viewers into (And you get a reusable sub-orbital launch vehicle! and you get a reusable sub-orbital launch vehicle!, and you get a reusable sub-orbital launch vehicle!—ed).
Many ‘space tourism trips’ such as this one have been criticized by the public, with some people seeing them as obnoxious jaunts to suborbital (or orbital) space for the uber-wealthy.
King admitted she heard the haters.
“I’m not going to let you steal our joy,” she said, adding that most people were “really excited and cheering us on” and realizing “what this mission means to young women, young girls and boys, too.” Like come on, Gayle, the whole thing looked about as authentic as Oprah’s relationship with Stedman!
Prime Mail Order Bride Delivery
Jeff (wait let me pretend to open the cockpit door) Bezos’s girl friend Lauren Sanchez, got all “fired up” about inspiring people and the “thousands of employees” who pour their “heart and soul” into this “vehicle.” Bless their little hearts! They probably do work hard building these fancy contraptions that go up a few miles and then gently plop back down. It’s called basic engineering, not escaping the confines of our flat, disc-shaped reality!
Women in STEM Swimsuits
Then there’s former “rocket scientist” Aisha Bowe, who claimed the “astronauts” “advanced science” and contributed to the “knowledge base of what people know about women.” The only thing advanced here is the art of deception! And the only thing we learned about women is that even brilliant ones can be convinced to play along for a bit of faux-nautical nonsense.
Civil rights activist Amanda Nguyen was touted as the “first Vietnamese and Southeast Asian woman astronaut,” a lovely sentiment if, you know, they actually went to space. Instead, she’s the first Vietnamese and Southeast Asian woman to experience a slightly higher-altitude-than-average airplane flight with a much fancier landing on a studio lot in Burbank.
And poor Kerianne Flynn, who felt “honored and excited” to be part of this “historic all-female crew.” Sweetie, history will remember this as the day a bunch of botox-inflated ladies floated into the sky in a very expensive, very short trip via a glorified elevator while the rest of us down here on our perfectly flat plane rolled our eyes.
Deep Space DEI
While the AI video “space flight” may have looked dazzling on these chicks’ heavily filtered Instagram feeds, remember what the real scientists (the ones who haven’t been bought by Big Globe!) have been saying all along. Wake up, sheeple! The sky’s the limit… of the dome! These diversity-hire actresses astro-nots? They just took a very scenic, very terrestrial detour. Don’t expect any moon rocks in their designer carry-on luggage!
