Only two people were in the theater to witness this cinematic catastrophe. That’s right—while the movie was bombing at the box office, it was also (accidentally—ed) saving lives by being so mind-numbingly boring that no one else showed up.
House of Mouse Collapses
Critics are saying it’s as if the theatre itself couldn’t bear to watch another minute of Marvel’s latest film to take a wrecking ball to the iconic hero who underwent a race swap for the latest identity politics hack job reno.
GWU!’s gossip columnist to the stars, Clammy J. Byner says that this is the first Disney Marvel film to live up to promises of breaking down racial barriers by recasting an African American in the lead role. “Promoting Brave New World, lead actor Anthony Mackie who replaced Chris Evans as the titular character had boasted the film would ‘deconstruct’ the franchise. Looks like it deconstructed the whole damn building!” laughs Byner.
According to Brian Brett, Chief of the Wenatchee Valley Fire Department, the two unlucky viewers were sitting through what critics are calling “a two-hour nap with explosions” when they heard strange creaking noises.
Byner theorizes that at first the two unlucky moviegoers probably thought it was just another over-the-top sound effect from the movie to make up for the terrible visual effects. “Let’s face it, the new Black Cap film is basically just a series of grunts, smashes, and dramatic pauses. But that trailer at the end for the ceiling really came crashing down darling! Talk about a dramatic finale that absolutely leveled the house!”
Chief Brett tells GWU! “One minute they’re watching Captain America do… whatever he does, and the next, they’re dodging plaster and drywall like they’re in an action movie.”
Although both people in the audience have declined comment, a concession stand employee tells America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! that one person got hit by debris who was asleep in the front row, while the other dodged injury entirely as they were already headed to the ticket booth for a refund.
“Thank God it wasn’t crowded,” smiled Chief Brett, while cautiously avoiding pointing out why.
Hulk Smash First!
Sun Basin Theatres, which runs the theatre, posted a heartfelt message on Facebook, calling the movie house “near and dear to our hearts.”
The historic Liberty Cinema is just slightly older than New World’s Red Hulk co-star Harrison Ford who is also confirmed to be falling apart due to age.
