Hooters, the iconic chain known for its chicken wings, jugs of cold beer, and scantily clad waitresses, is filing for bankruptcy. The once-thriving All-American “breastaurant” empire, which defined a generation of after-work faux working dinner meetings, is preparing to shutter many locations across the country in the next few months. Regulars at the eatery who spoke with America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! were disappointed to hear the news.
One connoisseur of chicken wings, and watcher of women in tight shorts, said that he’s surprised the restaurant lasted through ‘the woke era’. “I’d have thought that the feminists and transvestites would have canceled Hooters when they were at the height of their power.”
Aside from rising costs, fast food insiders say that the majority of the blame lies squarely on the woke mind virus pandemic, which has played a key role in the downfall of this beloved American institution, along with blowing up many other fine institutions.
From Double D’s to Double Trouble
“It’s a sad day for America,” lamented perky Karen Thompson, a 42-year-old Ron DeSantis volunteer and longtime Hooters regular. “I’ve been taking my family to Hooters for years. The wings are great, the atmosphere is fun, and the girls are always so sweet,” she tells GWU! via Microsoft Teams from her home in beautiful Clearwater, Florida—the location of the first Hooters. “People need to stop being so sensitive—it’s just a restaurant! This woke mind virus is infecting everything that made this country great.”
For loyal patrons like Karen, Hooters was more than just a restaurant—it was a cultural touchstone. “Where else can you get great food, watch the game, and have a little fun?” she asked. “This country is losing its sense of humor. I mean, have you watched late-night TV lately?”
Sagging sales caused by feminists
But for others, Hooters’ decline is long overdue. Emily Carter, a 24-year-old college graduate and Kamala Harris supporter, sees the bankruptcy as a sign of progress. “Honestly, good riddance. Hooters is a relic of a time when objectifying women was seen as ‘harmless fun.’ We’ve moved past that as a society,” she pontificates from her parent’s rent-controlled three-bedroom apartment in Manhattan’s Upper West Side. “Women deserve to be valued for more than just their bodies, and it’s refreshing to see businesses that don’t rely on outdated stereotypes finally thriving,” she adds, wearing a knock-off Che Guevara tee and push-up bra.
Emily isn’t alone in her sentiment. Across social media, young activists have celebrated Hooters’ drooping sales, calling it a victory for gender equality. “The whole ‘breastaurant’ concept is so cringe,” said one snowflake social justice warrior on BlueSky. “We’re in an era where women are demanding respect and equality, not just in the workplace but everywhere. Hooters’ model is incompatible with that vision.”
Bust-ed: How Hooters Lost Its Mojo
GWU! culture critic Clammy J. Byner recently opined on X that the chain’s failure to adapt to the rapidly changing “insane cancel cultural landscape” was what ended this busty boulangerie.
“Hooters was once a symbol of cheeky, carefree Americana. Now it’s caught between the meaty cleavage of two extremes: the puritanical sensibilities of Gen Z and the hyper-sexualized world of OnlyFans and social media.”
Byner notes that Hooters failed to capitalize on the massive culture lift it received on a top-rated episode of SNL where America’s Sweetheart Sydney Sweeney played a Hooters waitress in a sketch that both satirized and celebrated the sexiness of the brand.
Last Call for Cleavage
“Hooters represents a time when things were simpler,” reflects Karen. “It wasn’t about politics or social justice—it was about having a good time. I’ll miss it.”
But for Emily, the closure is a step forward. “Progress isn’t always pretty, but it’s necessary. Hooters had its time—now it’s time to move on.”
As the last plates of wings are served and the final “Hooters Girls” hang up their orange shorts, one thing is clear: the world will be less sleazy, less controversial, and perhaps a little less fun without the chicken and human breast-themed eatery.
But as Emily put it, “Maybe the wings were good, but the baggage wasn’t worth it. The whole ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ thing was so outdated. It’s embarrassing that it took this long for people to realize how problematic it was. Here’s to a future where women aren’t the side dish.”
