For Diversity, Inclusion and Equity (or DIE) ‘Elf’ consultants this holiday season is as busy as Santa’s workshop. But the gifts they’re stuffing in stockings aren’t Squishmallows, but rather tips on how to make your office Christmas party more ‘inclusive’.
“Gender pronoun inclusivity,” smiles DIE ‘Elf’ Pat McKenzie who goes by the pronouns they/them. “People, especially the older, CIS office workers, need a lot of help getting their white male heads around these definitions. There are 72 pronouns, by the way,” they frowns.
McKenzie is one of many DIE Elf warriors who are hired by HR departments to help break down the dos and don’ts of equity—especially when it comes to office holiday parties; although, they/them will also consult for family dinners.
“A lot of contemporary companies have already dropped the whole Christmas tree and red and green, but these days it’s about going a bit further and asking the right questions like making sure not to offend work colleagues who may be transitioning. How embarrassing would it be for you to misgender someone at a holiday party? Those are the kind of things that get HR in hot water and also really put a damper on a fun evening.”
Elf Unshelfed
Although DIE Elves may sound fantastical, GWU! found nothing could be further from the truth. The little helpers prefer to hide out online, eschewing traditional social media, DIE Elves can be found on left wing platforms such as Mastodon. If you can figure out Mastodon, that is.
In fact, HR manager Mary from Burlington, Vermont, says that once she hunted down a DIE Elf consultant it made her company’s holiday parties a feel good affair.
“We were told to remove alcohol, meat, dairy and replace them with pronoun name tags and genderless washrooms. They/them also stipulated the company replace gifts and bonuses with donations to peaceful protest organizations like BLM. Gone are the days of Bill from accounting trying to get fresh after a few drinks,” she chuckles.
But not everyone is laughing.
Graham, a salesman from Montreal, Canada, who attended the Freedom Rally in Ottawa last winter, says his company voted to keep their yearly Christmas party the same as it has been since the early sixties when his father founded the family business. “Of course our company has people who don’t celebrate Christmas, but it doesn’t stop them from getting a bit tipsy on mulled wine and singing Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.”
In fact, Graham goes on to explain that the office Christmas party is less about religious beliefs and more about colleagues blowing off steam and having a good time. “Isn’t that what an end of the year party is supposed to be?” he ponders. “This DIE garbage is killing us.”
Bathroom Break
That said, Pat McKenzie feels like companies that don’t employ ‘woke elves’ are trending in the wrong direction.
“All these archaic traditions like dirty Santa, spiking the eggnog, snogging under the mistletoe, angels and elves, and even those triggering Christmas lights (Hello, seizures!) are offensive and well past their best before date. In order for us to be a considerate society we need to begin by taking away everything we once enjoyed.”
In the spirit of giving, Pat has shared they/thems tips on how to make your holiday party more inclusive.
HOW TO WOKEWASH YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
- Mandatory pronoun name tags for everyone.
- Hold your party in a non offensive space like an empty warehouse or rent a planet that hasn’t been discovered by Twitter owner Elon Musk.
- Don’t play holiday music, focus on less traditional sounds. Try using a white noise machine or ambient yoga chants.
- Stick with the basic foods like fruits and vegetables or a grain of rice. In fact, forget food altogether. Problematic, thanks to Putin.
- Replace gift giving with certificates recognizing each worker’s contribution to the company or use the money towards supporting a worthy cause like BLM, Me to We or ANTIFA
- Wear a mask.
