Dear Karen and Kevin,
My boyfriend is a huge Will Smith fan! He was one of the first people I know to forgive Will for slapping Chris Rock at the Oscar Awards. He’s got Will Smith posters, memorabilia and even all his albums on vinyl. That said, while listening to a recent podcast my boyfriend learned that Will Smith had his “ass murdered” during a tryst with his personal assistant, who is a man.
Since then, my boyfriend has thrown all his Fresh Prince DVDs in the closet. He has also claimed that Men in Black 1–3 (and what he always called the derivative and sexlessly, Smithless Men in Black International) are no longer his favorite films. Is my boyfriend homophobic?
Sincerely,
What Does a Murdered Ass Look Like in Orlando
Dear Murdered Ass,
Kevin: I understand the shock and awe of learning something new about a partner. As much as Karen and I have an open and honest relationship we’re still learning. Like the other day when I came home and saw Karen turning tricks with our female dog walker. For me, it was simply sitting down with Karen and saying, “Hey, I’m listening and I hear you.”
I think we can all agree that Will Smith is a phenomenal actor, but your boyfriend needs to understand that as handsome and cool as he is on TV—that does not make him the same person in reality. Added to that, just because you get your ass murdered after a few margaritas on the first day of a Carnival cruise through the Caribbean doesn’t mean you’re gay. Sure, it was awkward the next day and for the six after that, but it wasn’t like I kept thinking about it or have been trying to convince Karen to go on another cruise.
Karen: First off by even asking if your boyfriend is homophobic is homophobic in itself. Clearly you are the one who is uncomfortable with Will Smith getting his ass murdered. That said, of course Will Smith is gay. Anyone who would rather get bent over a couch than lick GI Jane’s bald head is for sure playing for the other team. Does Will Smith still pine after that murderous moment? I say yes!
The real signs that Kevin, I mean Will Smith is gay is if he makes up excuses to go back to the Caribbean, like he needs his vitamin D (no pun intended—ed) or says things like “remember how fun that cruise was when I couldn’t sit down for two days, haha.” My advice to every woman is simply if your man is still treating you like the Queen you are—paying for everything, letting you take on lovers (including a sexy dog walker)—then by all means let him get his ass murdered. With that in mind, Kevin and I might just see you next month as we’re taking a well-deserved cruise.
If you have a question for Karen and Kevin, write to [email protected].
