In a splash in the face to women around the world, Sports Illustrated (SI) has once again chosen a male to be their female swimsuit cover model—an honour that had previously gone to women. ‘Covergirl’ Kim Petras, a German singer who in 2007 was crowned one of the world’s youngest transsexuals, is the second man to appear on the cover of the coveted magazine—essentially drowning women’s rights!
“The 2023 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model is a biological man with fake boobs. I really hope men are done reading Sports Illustrated,” sneered a Parisian fashion designer to GWU! who refused to have her name published out of fear of the A.L.P.H.A.B.E.T Mafia.
Petras, who lives in Hollywoke, is joined by three other cover stars—actress Megan Fox, model Brooks Nader, and TV host and business owner Martha Stewart, who at 81 is the oldest SI swimsuit cover model in history.
A KICK IN THE NUTS
Experts say that the TransTrend of companies aligning themselves with the Transgenda™ is proving to be detrimental to revenue. Last month, Bud Light pulled conman Dylan Mulvaney off their label after the beer company saw sales plummet. More recently, the German company Adidas released a one piece swimsuit for men, which fashion critics are calling, well, revolting!
But our distressed designer feels like something larger and more sinister is afoot, and she’s not alone as many in her industry are calling this troubling trend: Mind Rape.
“The goal is to trick heterosexual men into a sexual desire for other men and if you don’t comply you will be called Transphobic, which, I believe, the Transgenda is aiming to make as harmful as being called a White Supremacist.” She breathlessly continues by saying, “Imagine losing your job for not agreeing that Petras is attractive. That is basically mind rape 101.”
“Although a number of famous women have appeared on the swimsuit cover which helped jumpstart their careers—Elle Macpherson, Christie Brinkley, Cheryl Tiegs and Kathy Ireland—Sports Illustrated clearly is no longer concerned with lifting up women’s rights,” says GWU! resident TERF Toby P. Gelman, after the columnist found the new SI issue in his GWU! office mailbox. “Instead they’re helping to lift up a set of mutilated balls!”
SAUSAGE PARTY
Petras, a mentally ill man, is no stranger to controversy following the release of his debut mixtape Clarity (2019). Many reviewers praised the record but criticized his involvement with Dr. Luke, who had been accused of sexually and verbally assaulting Kesha. It should surprise no one that Petras wouldn’t align himself with a woman.
In February, Petras and male singer Sam Smith won the Grammy for best pop duo or group performance, (insert barf emoji here—ed), making him the first trans woman to win. “I just wanted to thank all the incredible transgender legends before me who kicked these doors open for me so I could be here tonight,” Petras gushed at the ceremony.
“The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model is a celebration of women, young and now old, why do white males insist on squeezing their junk into female spaces,” rails our unnamed fashionista.
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is already on newsstands, and although news agents report the magazine has sold out to the Transgenda – copies have not.
