Ukraine wants to give it to Russia by removing the Catherine the Great statue and replacing it with a gay porn star. And a petition, which was created in the city of Odessa and has garnered more than 25,000 signatures, may make it a reality!
The stunning and brave petition is calling for fabulous gay porn star Billy Herrington to be immortalized in marble and proudly displayed in the middle of Odessa for folx and families to enjoy, replacing the extremely problematic and potentially triggering historical figure Catherine the “Great” (I and several thousand other folx beg to differ, sweetie) in the process.
“What is it about the Woke Left and tearing down statues?” My pro-Putin brother Kyle sneered at me as I showed him the article, catching him in the act listening to an old timey World War 2 era ham radio, toggling the knobs and tuning it to a crackly Russian numbers station for further instructions from his handler.
Despite gasping into my mask and making it abundantly clear I was about to lecture his ass, he carried on his racist, homophobic tirade, speaking over me and scoffing as he took out his notebook and scribbled down the latest conspiracy theories and misinformation his Russian handler Sergei fed to him through coded messages over the radio:
“Is it all part of an attempt to ‘let the past burn’ by destroying and replacing any historical record or monument that does not conform to modern ideals – that being anything before the Current Year – and thus may be deemed ‘problematic’, or are they just mindlessly lashing out at anything that might remotely hurt their precious little feelings or pop their fragile fart-bubble of an echo chamber?”
Grinding my teeth and counting to ten just like my Zoom psychiatrist taught me, I shoved the phone in his stupid, uncomprehending face again to get the point of the petition across.
“What the fuck does Billy Herrington even have to do with Ukraine?” Kyle rudely screamed at me, pointing to America on his flattened Globe.
Gay Porn Star to rescue Ukraine
At this point I was literally shaking, and for the first time in days it had nothing to do with my latest booster jab. As an honorary member of the Rainbow Redditor Azov battalion (I would have joined my fellow kind strangers in fighting Putin’s army of dead-eyed, soulless Nazis but my duties as a work-from-home dog walker and Reddit mod are just too important to neglect!!), and avid fan of Billy Herrington (I’ve watched all his movies!!) I found all of this very distressing.
“The petition claims it would be great “for the meme” and the tourist industry, and that it would be a clear signal that Ukrainians support the LGBTQIAP++++ community… chud.” I calmly and politely explained to him like I was talking to a six year old, as I rattled off these tasty truth-nuggets breathlessly, a small smirk curled underneath my masks.
“Except they don’t, do they? My bet is a bunch of outraged Ukrainians would tear that thing down before Russian troops even got the chance to. A statue of Putin straddling a nuke like Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove would probably stand a better chance and last a Hell of a lot longer.” Kyle cackled, twirling his evil mustache in a dastardly fashion.
Before I could ask him for his source or report him to the police for spreading baseless misinformation, he blundered on like a blind man armed with a machete, hacking the truth and our beloved democracy to pieces with every slanderous lie and bigoted word that slithered out of his unmasked mouth.
Petitions Popping Up All Over
“The idea that a statue of a gay porn star could save the tourist industry in Ukraine is perhaps the most insane, delusional argument they could make.” Kyle harshly bellowed as he applied more tinfoil to his head. “No one but moist eyed celebrities looking to virtue-signal (and check on their money) and dumb-ass Redditors eager to jump face first into the meat grinder are likely to visit Ukraine any time soon.”
I had heard enough and it was my bed time anyway, so I stormed out of Kyle’s bedroom and slammed the door behind me. On my way out I heard him call after me: “Perhaps erecting a statue in Ukraine of a man famous for taking a pounding and getting paid handsomely for it isn’t such a bad idea, really. I’m just shocked it’s not Zelensky.”
Weeping, I weakly and impotently beat my gloved fists against the wall outside his bedroom. Later that night as I ugly-cried into one of Emperor Xelensky’s green shirts just like heckin’ Heath Ledger at the end of Brokeback Mountain, I got a text from Kyle linking me to a petition he’d started to replace a statue of Winston Churchill in London with Australian porn star Angela White. I fail to see the point he’s obviously trying to make?
No word yet on whether His Holiness Xelensky has approved of the “literal monument to queerness”, or whether or not the statue will include a cheeky water feature. I for one am keeping my fingers crossed and will gladly donate all of my life savings towards the construction of this marvelous statue if need be!!
