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The absurd claim that woke Hollywood properties aren’t making money and that’s why studios and executives are pulling back from the light veers dangerously into the margins of reality.
It is a space occupied by chuds, transphobes and assorted bigots. After all, “go woke, go broke” is an alt-right dog whistle and the rallying cry of cynical, White Capitalists. Remember, folx, the message comes first. That’s why I’m continuing the saga that no one asked for but everyone needs of my personal take on how to save the movie industry, as well as humanity … and the very soul of America.
WE WANT MORE CONTENT TO CONSUME!
Pop the organic popcorn and taste what true enlightenment and entertainment tastes like in my new script …
[After my first idea for a sitcom pilot involving Zelensky and Putin as wacky roommates fighting over space in their tiny apartment failed to crystallize, I cobbled together this COVID-themed pilot which was ever so slightly based on my real life experiences. My amazing best friends have been included as characters for extra authenticity.]
INT. ZOOM CHAT SESSION – DAY
Appearing via webcams in a Zoom chat labeled “Socially Distanced AF”, Doreen (played by Brie Larson, Gal Gadot or Mindy Kaling, they’re literally all heckin’ Queens and more than suited to the part), Moonbeam (played by Bella Ramsey), Tarquin (played by Ncuti Gatwa) and Osbourne-Spencer Maxwell-Silverspoon III (played by Seth Rogen) are all humbly respecting the science by dutifully wearing masks in their separate dorm rooms with the doors closed.
DOREEN
Hey, gang! Hope you’re all staying safe!
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
Mm-hm, of course, naturally, yap.
MOONBEAM
Ya, totally, Dors. Why? Aren’t you?
DOREEN
No, no, of course I am!
TARQUIN
(snorts derisively)
Ya, I mean, what do you think we are, a bunch of Grandma killing chuds? I can’t even be bothered to scoff right now so I’ll just say the word “scoff” instead. Scoff. No. Don’t be ridiculous, Doreen. I’m wearing my test fitted N95, I just got my second jab, and I’ve spent the past half an hour wiping down and quarantining my avocados. Bosh. Covid safe.
DOREEN
Ha, yeah, stupid of me to ask! Ha!
TARQUIN
Ya, really.
DOREEN
So, anyway, are we all fully vaccinated now?
TARQUIN
Ew my God, Doreen, did you not just hear me say I got my second jab? FUCK SAKE!
DOREEN
Yeah, sorry, Tarquin – I just meant have you had the booster?
TARQUIN
Ya, course. Literally this second. I’m not anti-vax, Doreen. Speaking of which – did you manage to spike your odious brother’s energy drink with the vaccine yet?
DOREEN
I tried but that Ogor saw me coming, held me down and farted on my head.
Doreen’s friends bray like donkeys. Doreen laughs along through the tears and sting of the fart-cloud still hot in her nostrils.
MOONBEAM
Don’t worry, Dors. At least you can’t catch Covid. Everyone knows the vaccine keeps people who follow science safe. He’ll get his Herman Cain Award soon enough.
DOREEN
Gosh, I hope so!
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
Be right back, chums, I ordered a GrubHub and my ethnically diverse delivery peasant didn’t read the fucking clear as fuck 10 step drop off instructions I emailed them telling them how to leave my food outside ala Covid Safe.
MOONBEAM
Oh, you poor thing!
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
I know. Now I have to go put some gloves and masks on before I go talk to this filthy prole and tell him what for.
Osbourne-Spencer walks away from his webcam before popping his head back in quickly.
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
(con’t)
Ew my God, the dirty vagrant isn’t even wearing a mask. Is– is that a bindle he’s carrying it in?! Ew my God, I am freaking out right now, you guys! Halp!
DOREEN
You want me to call the cops?
TARQUIN
ACAB, Doreen! God!
DOREEN
Oh, ya. Fuck the Blue! Right?
TARQUIN
Shut up. Look, Ozzy-Spence, just pretend you’re not home, ya? If it doesn’t detect movement it’ll go away… I think.
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
I’m literally shaking right now, you guys.
TARQUIN
That’ll be the jab – that just means it’s working. Be grateful.
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
He– he’s going! But my eats–!
DOREEN
Phew. Well, I think you dodged a bullet there by not answering the door to that right-wing anti-vaxxer.
OSBOURNE-SPENCER
I am SO reporting this to GrubHub. That walking petri dish literally put my life at risk and absconded with my soy based snacks.
DOREEN
We’ll report him too! C’mon, gang, let’s be real everyday heroes and ruin someone’s livelihood!
ALL ON THE ZOOM CALL
Shut up, Doreen!
[Upon reading this back and having a good sob, a second draft is definitely required to make Doreen a more assertive and popular character and to have her friends act nicer towards her in order to better reflect my reality.]
