Ever feel like everyone around you is just a character? Like in a video game? That’s because, in a way, they are! 

GWU! has cracked the code on the concept that we may all be living in a sort of fake simulation, populated by NPCs. The theory goes that NPCs (Non-Player Characters) who we interact with are incapable of independent thought and pre-programmed to behave or speak in repetitive or specific ways that nudge the game … of life. Think, people starting conversations about the weather or repeating nonsensical mantras like; ‘Free speech must be censored to save Our DemocracyTM’,‘Safe and effective’ or ‘Skibidi toilet is living rent free in your brainrot brain, amirite?’ 

Level up on your free will and confirm that everyone bot you is an NPC as GWU! deprograms the non-playable characters of life. 

1. The Innocent Bystander

As ordinary citizens or semi-sentient bots, these prolific NPCs are populate the majority of the game. They are unable to affect change for themselves or their surroundings. These innocent bystanders may need saving or simply just fill in the background. They can be seen in their natural habitat of office cubicles with their eyes fixed firmly on a screen downloading whatever current thing they have been instructed to care about that day. 

2. The Quest Giver 

This is an NPC character who provides players with tasks or missions you feel morally obligated to take on. They can come in the form of village leaders who claim to speak for humanity, but actually speak for big business or concerned citizens who want to talk to your manager. They can be further identified by their constant calling for health and climate lockdowns.

These predictable characters drive the plot forward by assigning tasks such as reducing your carbon emissions or getting your booster. They have the special power to reward players with free donuts and Universal Basic Income which also comes with myocarditis as well as owning nothing and being happy.

3. The Informant

This free thinking and socially awkward NPC has access to valuable information. Informants can be spies, hackers, hobos or street performers.

Providing the most useful alternative facts in this game of life, players are given hints, secret secret knowledge and crucial lore. Listen to what these NPCs say but do your own research on the game and build up your XPerience Points. Be wary of their heath supplements and Ponzi crypto schemes.

4. The Boss

As the primary antagonist who opposes the players they are bigger than life characters that elicit hatred at the mere mention of their name. These NPCs is often complex, with their own motivations and backstory. But whether it’s making America great or locking up their political rivals they never have your best interests at heart and are not to be trusted.

Despite having no actual power as a figurehead of the actual rulers in the shadows, The Boss serves as the main source of conflict and challenge. They artificially drive the story’s tension and stakes. Whether it’s taking away your guns or your unlimited abortions, remember it’s just a game. 

5. The Warrior 

Strong! Proud! Pea-brained! The Warrior is often portrayed as a valiant NPC who aids the player. Don’t mistake their unwillingness to compromise with the enemy as a weakness though. They are always keen to help the player fight against evil. Look to The Warrior for inspiration whenever you’re feeling more like The Innocent Bystander.

6. The Princess

Beautiful, blonde and always in need of rescue, this NPC must be protected from feminism (for her own good). Her home spun dialogue harkens for a by-gone era of nostalgia, that never existed. She’s always willing to share tips with players on avoiding processed foods and bake you “healthy” organic heart increasing sourdough bread. Outside of their homes, you can encounter them “grounding” barefoot in the park for their TikTok viewers.

7. The Mentor

This wise and experienced bearded character often dressed in bizarre garb offers guidance, training, and advice. Mentors can be sages, mystical beings, or former university professors who stretched their 15-minutes of fame into 15 years. 

While this NPC can help players develop their skills (CLeAN YoUr RooM!) and provide crucial insights (FaT cHicKs ArE nOT bEAuTIfuL!) or lore about the world (wE NEED 2 dEfeND OUr GrEatest aLLy!) they often give unsolicited basic advice you could have figured out without even following them on X.

8. The Merchant

This NPC is a savvy trader who deals in everything from common items to rare artifacts that can all actually be bought much cheaper on Temu. Along with selling basic supplies such as magical solar-powered wifi electric toothbrushes, The Merchant also provides information through media conglomerates they own and or have influence over due to their monopolistic in-game power. They can inspire players to engage in ‘Prime Day’ quests, which prompt your essential need to purchase some item you mentioned with your phone on.

9. The Henchman

These are loyal followers of The Boss, often acting as obstacles the players must overcome. NPC Henchmen vary in strength, importance and motivations. Ultimately they serve a cause they can’t comprehend.

Their main goal is to provide combat encounters that add to The Boss’s power structure and make you get wrecked. Be wary of these blue helmets from the unelected one world government who say they are here to help.

10. The Distractor

The opposite of The Princess and The Warrior, this doomer character (who can be male or female) often appears at the most difficult level of the game, usually near the end. They offer pessimistic, defeatist suggestions in a play to make you exit the game. Don’t rage quit with them, remember, hard times don’t last, hard people do.

11. The Rival

Basically, this is an NPC who competes with the player. They can hold totally opposing viewpoints or be fellow truth seekers with a different opinion. Usually coming from an opposite political or power polarity they provide friendly (or not-so-friendly) competition, pushing players to improve and strive for success in pointless Reddit debates.

12. The Mysterious Stranger

Perhaps an alien, this enigmatic figure has an unclear agenda. They often provide cryptic clues, aid in unexpected ways, or have a hidden connection to the story while communicating in cryptic MEME speak. Adding intrigue to game play this NPC can instigate a plot twist such as ‘fighting’ for free speech while limiting it or being key to solving a major quest that involves super ‘important’ issues such as the Flat Earth debate, Palestine and climate change.