Dear Tuckered,

If the Global Pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we have no time or patience to listen to viewpoints that question the mainstream narrative. With that in mind, it also showed us that any bozo in a soundproof room with a microphone and an X account can spout their narrow-minded view of the world to smooth brains like your daddy. Looking at you Joseph Rogan! 

It sure sounds like a divisive topic over in Tallahassee, which might be just the job for Tucker Carlson to sort out. You see, Tucker is the sort of no nonsense journalist who’s curious mind and intense staring ability literally defeated Russian Tsar Vladimir Putin. 

I’m kidding, of course. Just like my wife Karen, I also have the occasional seizure when I hear Tucker Carlson talk about vaccine side effects (LIE), communist China infiltrating US policy (FAKE NEWS), and student demonstrations being funded by George Soros (CONSPIRACY). 

From his humble beginnings as a heir to the Swanson TV Dinner empire, the ivy league school educated know-it-all launched his nepotistic career on cable news until getting booted to ‘X’. This pipsqueak in a bowtie has always been a loud mouth on the losing end of a war of words with people much smarter than him, like Jon Stewart. 

Oh, and the fact that you would even mention he has interesting guests, makes me wonder if you, like your daddy, are both drinking Kool-Aid from the Well of Misinformation. 

In answer to your question, the only reasonable solution would be to smash your daddy’s phone, as well as any tablets or computers in your home so that there’s no way Tucker can continue to infect your papa’s spongy mind. Provided Tucker never returns to ‘real’ television, that is.

— Kevin

I’ll start by correcting my moronic partner Kevin. If I’ve learned one thing since the Global Pandemic it’s to never trust a White man, unless he’s wearing a lab coat or has the initials “Dr” before his name. In fact, just the other night during dinner, my new lover from Palestine, who we’ll call Bob, gifted Kevin a can of spray-on tan, so he wouldn’t look so White. (Because it’s an aerosol can, Kevin and I have both decided to keep the lights off for the next month in penance for our carbon footprint indulgence.)

There was a time when White men like Tucker Carlson mansplained and pontificated the way of the world to us: there are only two genders, men can’t get pregnant, and we don’t reside on a sacred Indian burial ground, for starters. With him now rightly sidelined to the right-wing echo chamber of ‘X’ we are free to believe our own personal truths about those issues.

The way I look at it, your father cannot be saved. He is lost and the longer that you keep him in your house the more infected you and other family members risk succumb to the toxic, conspiratorial, misinformed virus that is Tucker Carlson. Perhaps you could encourage your father to try Don Lemon: Always Fair. Always Honest. Not Controlled.

Although I’m not a doctor and can’t prescribe a gene therapy posing as a vaccine, I will say that the only solution would be to ship your father and others to an island with statues of Moloch where they can debate Flat Earth, Jan. 6, and the moon landing hoax until they’re blue! Or sunburned, or suicided. I normally wouldn’t condone segregating a section of society off, but I think we can all agree that these White, unvaccinated men are vermin and need to be disposed of.

As for Kevin, the spray tan is working wonders on his pasty, pimply face and I’m looking forward to calling him Hussein, er Bob until my boyfriend comes back from the war at the local community college Free Palestine encampment.

I hope that helps!

— Karen