Do you know what’s coming on April 8? The thing that’s causing schools to close, businesses to shut their doors, families to be ordered to lockdown and wear special protective plastic glasses that sell for more than $20 (don’t be an anti-glasser—ed).
Wait, where have we seen this before?
While the MSM and all their affiliates prattle on about the dangers of looking at the sun, as the moon crosses it, there are many, many more events of biblical proportion being pushed into the eclipse’s shadow. That’s why we’ve got GWU! covered this April with the 13 reasons you can’t believe the lies or your eyes on the Solar Eclipse.
1. Lockdown to Slow the Spread of the Moon’s Shadow
Remember four years ago when you stayed locked in your home to save granny from a seasonal cold? Well, the test is over and you failed. Now everything from heat waves to rainy afternoons and even smog will have your “elected government” planning to keep you home to keep you “safe.” With mandated lockdowns happening in a ton of states and cities out of an abundance of caution around the solar eclipse, you can be pretty sure the government won’t get up to anything sketchy during the cover of darkness. Right?
2. Good Night, Economy
Wait. Did you just pay $150 for a couple of burgers and beer? Whether it’s dining out, the cost of groceries, power bills or gas, if you think Biden’s economy isn’t crashing then your head is in the clouds (don’t look at the eclipse—ed). Some are worried that the solar eclipse signals the end of the economy, as we know it, by potentially knocking out the electronic payment network, cell phones, or even the Internet. Then again, it would also be a convenient Black Swan event to usher in the end of Fiat currency and the start of CBDCs, as the government presents the solution to the problem and reaction.
3. Holy Jesus! The Planets are Aligning!
The rare phenomenon of 4 planets lining up has both Christians and Jews wondering if Jesus or the (real?) Messiah will choose April 8 to return to rule the Earth. The sight that won’t be visible for another 32 million years of Venus, Neptune, Saturn, and Mars perfectly aligned is said to be a holy sign of End Times and the Great Tribulation, as ushered in by a wise and just ruler from the heavens. We’re rooting for it to be RFK Jr.
4. Conspiracy Theory a Bridge Too Far?
When the Francis Scott Key Baltimore Bridge was unalived by the Singaporean cargo ship Dali a number of questions arose. How did the ship mysteriously lose power? What’s on the two minutes of redacted audio on the black box that the city’s mayor doesn’t want to talk about? Did the weird Chinese coded message from the AT&T outage the month before warn about the accident in advance? Why did the bridge collapse with the same scientifically impossible physics as the World Trade Center on 9/11? Perhaps it was an attack on one of the busiest ports in America that authorities would like everyone to forget about, chalking it up as an “accident,” in the hope people focus their eyes on something else! Solar eclipse, anyone?
5. The Three Cows Jumped Over the Moon
This red heifer, sorry we meant herring for the END OF DAYS, is as crazy as a cow jumping over the moon. But when the Jews sacrifice three red female cows to fulfill the prophecy of rebuilding the 3rd Temple could it be the beginning of WWIII? The kohen (Hebrew for priest) was recently shown in a picture posted to Facebook looking over the red heifers in their secret location in Shiloh. The cows, which were imported from Texas, will be ritualistically sacrificed and retuned to their natural and more palatable traditional American spiritual form, Spam.
6. Gaza Genocide
Yup, for the past month the MSM has been pushing down the Gaza narrative in favor of a solar eclipse—something that occurs more frequently than you think. What could be a better cover for a genocide than the moon casting a shadow over the sun.
7. Biden and Putin to Star in Blockbuster Comedy Remake of World War II
Is WWIII behind in production? Insiders say that the Russian theater terrorist attack may have been the first act in what promises to be bigger than Harry Potter and Star Wars combined. While Biden and Putin, two of the oldest divas in the biz, are said to be still negotiating on the size of their bunkers for the big Summer release, the rest of the world will be staring at the sky with special glasses hoping to experience darkness in the afternoon. Ever heard of Iceland, folks!
8. The Days of the Cicadas
April is going to be buzzing when millions of cicadas surface from the earth in biblical proportions on the lawns and farms of the American midwest, namely Little Egypt in Southern Illinois. The insect jihad, which is predicted to be in the trillions, isn’t all bad, argue globalists. The WEFs Klaus Schwab says they taste like peanut butter. Eat za bugs!
9. Flying too close to the sun
NASA is preparing to launch three giant rockets toward the sun on the same day that the massive hot ball of light will appear fully eclipsed by the moon to millions of people in North America. The out-of-this-world occult obsessed space agency insists that this is all totally normal stuff and it’s not some giant Satanic demon summoning thing (also, we totally went to the moon, totally—ed).
10. Iranian Consulate bombing
After Israel bombed the Iranian consulate in Syria, Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd must’ve sighed with relief knowing that Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire wasn’t the only bomb of the Spring. Fun fact, the illegal bombing, which has been pretty much silenced from the mainstream media, of course, was the closest we’ve come to an act of war since the Israelis started that little genocide in the beachfront properties of Gaza. But remember, folks, the solar eclipse is only a once every seven years phenomenon (much like Israel invading Gaza—ed).
11. Earthquake in Taiwan
The 7.4 level earthquake that shook Taiwan was definitely not man-made. Why would anyone want to disrupt the world’s number one supplier of microchips to the United States with technology that actually exists? It’s crazy! You’re crazy! Did you get your free tinted plastic and paper glasses that will keep your eyes from boiling when you look up at the sun?
12. Bordering on Civil War
As America continues to welcome ‘not the finest’ herrhumm… ‘irregular immigrants’ through its southern borders the solar eclipse offers the perfect protection of the cover of darkness for the country’s future insurgents. Finding refuge and free stuff in sanctuary cities these ‘visitors’ will only further divide a politically fractured nation. Much like the giant shadow line that will complete an X over half the nation, remember, some of you voted for this shit.
13. Is that a Hadron collider in your pocket or a just rolled up Berenstein Bears book?
As CERN scientists in Geneva Switzerland spool up the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator on the same day as the solar eclipse, could their quest for Dark Matter open a portal to another dimension, bringing through the forces of unspeakable evil? Much like the Mandela Effect that some theorize created alternate realities due to CERN smashing protons together at high speeds, could the solar eclipse be the ridiculous distraction to cover up the evil doings of Large Hadron Collider scientists who are probably trying to summon the Anti-Christ? Uh, did Nelson Mandela die in jail?
