Last evening during my nightly bedtime ritual (catching up on Reddit modmail, deciding what gender I would be tomorrow, kissing my Fauci love pillow good night) I was disturbed by the seal-like claps and hearty guffaws coming from my chud brother Kyle’s room. Setting down my lubed up, furiously vibrating phone (I like to tweet out positive things about Rings of Power before going to sleep with the phone firmly lodged up my arse so when the racist Tolkein fanboys respond and I can get off on their rage), I stormed over to Kyle’s room and burst in without knocking.

To my horror, the Left’s fallen angel Bill Maher filled the entirety of Kyle’s TV screen, sullying the word “Liberal” with every racist breath he took. He was ranting at his brainwashed audience about “Presentism”. I could feel his hypnotic, sorcerer eyes trying to burn their way through the TV set and into my soul (if I believed in the concept of a soul that is). I averted my gaze and clapped my hands over my fragile Muggle ears to avoid Maher’s imperius curse and/or become triggered. I fled Kyle’s room as fast as my boosted heart and giant prosthetic strap on breasts would allow.

Despite my best efforts, a bit of Bill’s extremely transphobic and deeply problematic sermon managed to slip through and poison my brain. I already have at least six mental illnesses up there, I don’t need some bigots’ hateful rhetoric crowding up what little space I keep free for new genders. I am always on guard for invading, colonizing forces. Exhausted both mentally and physically (that two second sprint from Kyle’s room to mine had really taken the wind out of me) I collapsed on my four poster bed, hoping that by the morning Bill’s disgusting words would be flushed from my mind and replaced by new leftist talking points.

MAHER UNACCEPTABLE VIEWS 

Alas, as I awoke to the sound of Kyle watching The Joe Rogan Experience downstairs whilst lapping and slurping up Ivermectin horse dewormer from a bowl for breakfast. Like a cat. The haunting sounds and visuals from last night came flooding to the forefront of my mind. But I’m moving faster than a fat Republican in the corporate greed buffet line at Heteronormative Disneyland. “Presentism” is basically judging historical events and folx from the distant past by today’s standards. Apparently to Bill and an extremely small fringe minority of racist extremists it’s wrong to hold folx from a bygone era accountable.

I beg to differ. 

UNSINKABLE ARGUMENT

Is it wrong to judge the officers on the Titanic for putting womxn and children in the lifeboats first. Clearly they should have lined everyone up in an orderly fashion and have them each in turn announce their preferred pronouns and the gender they identify as before calmly loading them into the lifeboats after taking a vote of who goes first. There is also a staggering lack of information on how many BIPOC and non-binary folx perished or survived in the sinking. Disgusting. This is a bigger tragedy than the actual event itself.

‘THE MAN’ IN THE MOON, LITERALLY 

Is it not deeply problematic that the first peoplekind to set foot on the Moon was a cis white man? Neil Armstrong should have humbly taken a giant step aside and allowed a trans womxn or astronaut of color to take his place claiming the moon for ‘mankind’. Oh, and don’t even get me started on them planting an Americxn flag up there, when a Pride or Ukrainian flag would have more than sufficed. Might as well have been a Confederate flag, SMH. NASA needed to (and still need to) do better.

TIME FOR A MONGOLIAN GRILLING

What about GengHIS Khan you’re surely wondering? Are you trying to tell me that we should just excuse his violent war crimes because he “didn’t know better”? If Mr. Khan was so intent on being a real leader, then perhaps instead of brutally slaughtering his enemies in combat he could have instead brokered a peace treaty or extended an olive branch of FRIENDSHIP towards the Eurasian peoplx. It’s almost like he didn’t even care about what future folx on Twitter and Tik-Tok would think of him. Well, we see you, Genghis, and you are #cancelled.

PAUL IS DEAD AND SO IS WHITE PRIVILEGE

And can we PLEASE talk about the lack of diversity and proper representation within The Beatles? They have the gall to be the most influential band in history and yet they were all cis white mxn. You would think that at least BIPOC loving John Lennon would have turned around one day and decided to replace Paul, George and Ringo with Yoko, Fabian and Jamal, then commit seppuku to atone for his white privilege and give a trans or non-binary BIPOC a shot at fronting the band, but no. John, you can’t be My Yoko Ono.    

THE FAULT OF GERMAN ENGINEERING

Do I even need to bring up Nazi GerMANy? Well, I will anyway, so deal with it, chud readers. I can say unequivocally that I would have bravely stood up against the Nazis. Shame on the German folx who complied!! My unvaccinated plague-rat Republicunt brother Kyle on the other hand would have definitely joined up with Hitler. Shame on him, too, and we can only hope that some brave and sensitive Liberal driver- I mean haunted SUV – runs him over soon to put an end to his bigotry and dangerous to democracy spreading of misinformation.

UNCLE PHIL WARNED US ABOUT THIS

I can also assure you that if I had been around during slavery I would have been calling out folx left and right for their shitty treatment of proud and humble BIPOC. It revolts me to think that the Founding Fathers (note the lack of womxn and non-binary folx represented yet again; why not Founding Birthing Persxns?) owned slaves. They were heckin’ evil, end of story.

I think we can all agree that I am infallible in my belief that history is racist and needs to be updated to fit our progressive ideals and modern sensibilities. We have the technology to do so. Let’s make George Washington Black, turn JFK gay, and put a giant Pride flag on the Hindenburg to deepen and politicize the tragedy. All film media not featuring an extremely diverse cast and crew should be destroyed immediately without preservation, all not woke music needs to go. Every book ever printed with the alt-right legacy of the German Gutenburg Press must be burned. And if you don’t like it then you’re just a racist bigot Nazi slave owner.